The Future Me wink
I have decided to throw the limits away. I used to think that my life would follow this pattern:
Go to college, meet your future spouse there, graduate, get married, start career, have kids.
Funny how the last thing on that last for me was "have kids" and I couldn't really see past that what I might do.
But some of those things are already impossible for me. I am bipolar, coming from both parents, and even if I could somehow justify having children with my conscience (don't think I could, now that my disease is making itself felt), the medication I have to take is not something a woman can take while pregnant. (typical birth defects kind of side effects, from what I understand) So children ... if any, would be many, many years in the future. I won't be giving birth naturally, and I wouldn't adopt till I am completely stable emotionally, etc. I somehow doubt I would ever be fit to be a parent, but if I ever am, it probably wouldn't be for another 3 - 5 years anyway. So, I've got to be wild now, while I can ...
Marriage? Highly improbable. I am very independent and very afraid of being hurt in the ways that I was in the past. But ... I still want to fall in love and get married someday. But there is a part of me that will not surrender to be committed to anyone but a true "soul mate". I want to love, but the man for me would be one in a million, truly ...
Career - I doubt I'm going to be that person that has one career for life. My interests are wide, and there are several things I'd like to try over the course of my lifetime.
So ... what if I break all the rules? By that, I mean - what if I chuck the "traditional plan" since it doesn't fit me or my life?
I won't be giving birth, so if or when I get married doesn't matter ... too much ... (I always did want to be still semi-youngish, but ... whatever will be will be), I don't know if I'll find that person I seek, so I can forget marriage unless it comes my way in the form of the right man.
So, what if my life was completely my own? Completely? What would I do if I didn't have to worry about:
1. what other people think about what I wear and what music I listen to
2. whether or not I'm going to get married
3. being young enough to give birth naturally
4. what other people think about me and my vast multitude of possible ambitions I'd like to pursue ...
Wow ... just thinking about that makes me feel good ... I think the only thing that is really a loss for me is not being able to give birth naturally - I can still get married and adopt children someday if that is what I want (eventually). I could do ... almost anything, really. I could wear the clothes I want to wear, I could pursue all kinds of artistic things, travel ... various ministry opportunities, write ... sing ...
If I can lay aside the "standard" format of what life is for most people, I can live so much more freely, I think. I could be just like the prayer vision God gave to me years ago: the horse that runs freely through open fields, the unicorn that fights fiercely for the weak & wounded, the pegasus-unicorn that flies in such amazing freedom ...
Maybe God was trying to tell me that I'd be kind of a jack-of-all-trades - having many different phases and careers in my life? I know that at least one of those represents ministry. The horn of the unicorn shone with a holy light, and I knew that it represented my writing. At the time, I was writing poems for victims of sexual abuse and they were being published in the newspaper of Hope International University. Girls would come up to me ... I feel kind of sick to my stomach knowing that probably every one of those girls ... they never did say - just that they liked my poetry - we understood each other heart-to-heart on that level, members of this same dreadful family of the abused ... *fights wave of sadness and anger* *profanity* That makes me so *profanity* angry ... Not for me - I am angry for the children, most of all ... and for, well - for anyone that this happened to. I might not have experienced it to the worst possible degree myself, but I was a victim too ...
The notebooks ... I was writing so much back in those days - I carried one with me wherever I went, and while I was on the bus or waiting for class to start, I was writing poetry that I hoped would become fragments of future songs - songs for the victims. I still have the chorus of "Take Me Away" in my memory, all these years later ... I have never forgotten even though I have long since lost the cassette tape on which I recorded the tune, that tune is still in my memory and I sing it from time to time. I need to buy a little mini notebook that will fit in my purse ... something to take with me for the bus to work (once I find a job), for breaks and lunch breaks, etc. It's crazy, it's insane ... but I want to finish that song and write some others ... old, old dreams ... old, old mission.
Now that I'm ready to throw away the "outline" of what I thought my life would be ... maybe I can think about my crazy dreams again ... things like finishing those songs and singing them at a church conference for victims of abuse, counseling and ministering to former child prostitutes in Southeast Asia where the sex trade is rampant, poetry, art, electric guitars just makes me feel happy ... I want to really rock out someday ... and I want to live richly, vibrantly, deeply, dangerously ... I want to make an impact, to cut a hole in the darkness and let in some light by which other people can see so that they can shine themselves ... *dances in circles, falls over, smiling* Now, I just have to stay brave and not give up ... *nervous* I tend to give up when I get depressed or when the "You can't do this - you don't have enough endurance or ability" type thoughts start flowing through my mind ...
I am going to refuse to think about what other people think about this! I will pay my bills, do all the basic life adult things that adults need to do, but beyond and outside of that, I will be a different kind of adult ... I think that, for me, that is the path of life. Who I am is someone that doesn't quite fit into "normal." You must be who you are. A bird must fly, a fish must swim, a horse must run. If I'm "different" then I need to not be afraid of that and just be who I am. I could hide who I am from myself and from the world as I have done thus far ... but the pain of that is killing me - of not being who and what I am ... I have to be who I am. And ultimately, God created me, and He knew what He was doing and why. I just need to become, more and more, the woman that He created me to be and take His hand ... trust that He knows my heart, created my soul, and takes delight in His handiwork. ^_^
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Flight of the Unicorn
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