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In Search Of A Dream



I do have my ministry dreams, the things which should help to keep my heart alive and beating in the midst of the grey world that is an office setting, I hope ...

But the day job ... the bread and butter to get by. What particular form of life-threatening, heart-murdering torment will I be next forced to endure? I wasn't strong enough to keep hope and dreams truly alive last time. Will I be this time? Or will the grey world slowly drain me of life and swallow me again? I won't let it - never ever again! Even if I must work in the prison that is an office cubicle, I will never ever let myself, my heart die like that again ... Without the hope of a better life rich in meaning and purpose, many things seem sort of pointless ... It isn't right to say things like that, I know ...

Surely, there must be something I can do as a day job that would not be intolerable? It's not that I don't want to work, it's that working in a grey, windowless box feels like prison.

I will need to find something that is tolerable, and I have a sneaking suspicion that graphic design would eat me alive and spit me out - I am not good at doing art at a rapid pace ...


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My train of thought took a different course when I was distracted for a second - I think that if I end up doing the singing as part of a band that sings at churches or something, I would suggest a name that has something to do with a bird or a phoenix in it. Probably a phoneix. Possibly a unicorn, as my prayer vision had a winged unicorn in it. The repeating themes here are wings. flight. freedom.

Once I have a strong enough voice, I might go looking for a band ... but who would want to be a group that only sings about one cause? And a dreadful, grueling mission it would be to sing against the darkness, to sing about the horror. When Light takes up the sword, Darkness moves against it, so there would be opposition ...

I should probably focus equally on voice and guitar, since it's probably a bit unlikely I'd be able to find 4 or 5 other people willing to do songs that are only about this one particular cause ... unless maybe all of them were victims of sexual abuse too and feel as strongly about doing something about it as I do too? It would be great to find other people who feel that way and we could do this thing together. From my vision, though, I always got the feeling that I was meant to do it alone ... I can do it.

Earlier today, I was reading the Bible for awhile, and all these verses about injustice and protecting the weak kept coming up almost everywhere I went as I flipped the pages. I wanted to post the ones that I found today:


Ecclesiastes 4:1

"Again I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless."

*simmers slightly with the beginnings of wrath*


Proverbs 31: 8 - 9

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those being crushed. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice."


The above two verses might be something I would re-read at times when I feel like giving up when I go through times of thinking that I couldn't do it, that maybe it isn't for me to do.

Over the years, as I tried to ignore this "impossible" quest, I felt God reminding me of things like this:

Jonah who ran away from preaching to the Ninevites and was swallowed by a whale and ended up arriving in Nineveh anyway ...

Moses who told the Lord that he wasn't a good public speaker and that God should be calling Aaron to lead Israel out of Egypt. (*coughs* I am shy ... and my voice is okay, but I'm no prodigy ...)

The words "Let my people go" in reference to release from slavery under the Egyptians, but when these words passed through my mind, I knew that if they were coming from God, they were about leading these poor broken souls (the abused) to a place of healing from shame and to be bold enough to name and defeat the darkness which sought to destroy them.

These things would keep coming back to me every couple years or so. I thought, "This is irrational - I could never do this. I'm too old now to start something like this, and I don't have enough musical talent to do it. Let someone else do it."

The words in the book of Esther have come to my mind from time to time, "For such a time as this ..." - for such a time as that she was exactly where she needed to be in order to be of use to God to save the lives of His people. Who knows, maybe even now, at this age, I can still do this seemingly "impossible" task and maybe I am exactly in the right time to pursue it?