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Yours To Live

Tonight, I am listening to the song, "Meant To Live" by Switchfoot. I am thinking about all the ways I have lived as if I had no choice in what happened to me, and all the times I have given up because the battle for life was too fierce for me and my courage failed me. Living with bipolar disorder is truly hell, sometimes, and just surviving can be such a struggle - living deeply seems like a luxury that I cannot afford with my meager energy that I expend just to survive the darkness and stay (physically) alive.

And life, for me is such a solitary journey. I'd like to connect on the level of what I'm writing - to know other people's deepest fears and wishes expressed, but I haven't seen a lot of this. But I haven't really gone looking, so I can't say that it's not there. I ... was just watching another music video and it completely derailed my train of thought. This is what I really want to write about, I think.

"Awakening" by Switchfoot

What so many younger people in their teens and early twenties have realized yet is that there are parts of you that never grow old (at least, that's what I can see from my perspective in my late 20s - but I've heard other, older people say similar things).

This would be such a good time for me to live in an apartment by myself or with other people my age or a bit younger - people who still have wild in them. The people in that music video seem to be in touch with their "wild" - even the guy who has to wear a business suit for work. I love that ... No matter what hellish place I have to work (i.e. be imprisoned, because, to me - many kinds of careers might feel that way ... *shudders*) I want to be alive and passionate in my free time ... but too often, the sadness of the day from being caged all day - so hard to shake it off at night ... But I want to so much ...

I am practically crawling out of my skin to express myself more, but I'm afraid. I have let that hold me back so long ... cared so much about what people thought about me, feeling that I had to project some outward image of what other people would think of as acceptable. I want to live alone someday so that I can really crank up my music loud. I LOVE good music played so loud that it fills the room ... floods it, beautiful. I want to go crazy like the people in that video, lol. >.< I hope that there will always be some "wild" in me that I can get in touch with. If I woke up someday and it was gone forever, I would be so sad. Life would seem so bland without it ... I want to have some fun ... I want to come alive.

I think that what I need to do is push against my comfort zone - even now, I need to live (with the exception of keeping the music down to respectable levels when everyone else is home) as I would if I were living in an apartment by myself. I made myself a schedule to stick to everyday to practice vocal exercises and guitar playing in the evenings, along with my roleplaying and writing. I found a bunch of vocal exercise videos on youtube, and so, though I'm too broke to afford voice training, I can still learn.

I live in hell everyday with bipolar disorder that no medication can seem to fully eradicate all the symptoms of, so I sure as heck am going to get some enjoyment out of life in any safe and moral way that I can ... If I need to live in a louder way to feel alive, then I will do it ...