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Oh Well ...


I am just too depressed to stop blogging right now, I guess ... but I fully intend to stop blogging publicly once things are looking up a bit.

*sighs* I went to a job interview today (which went well! ^_^) and the people were nice, but ... it was an office environment (in much of the building). I am so scared ... *shaking* It was dark in there, I mean, there's a whole section of the building where I would be sitting if I was hired there where they keep the lights down really low. Incredibly, incredibly depressing - worse than the office I worked at before. I feel like I can't breathe ...

I always want to give up when I think of being caged for life. I think, "I will not survive." Why must offices be so much like prison cells? Grey, boxed in - sometimes even poorly lit and in hideous colors. Having to work someplace like that for more than an hour or two even is intolerable. It's seriously inhumane and sick to put free people who have committed no crime into such a place and demand that they work there for life. *trembles violently* The connection to the emotion "fear" is very strong when I think of such a thing. It would kill me. I know that with absolute certainty ...

I can't breathe when I think about being forced to live in a place like that for the rest of my life ... 8 hours a day, 5 days a week ... worse than prison ... God save me from a life like that, I'd never make it ... *trembling* What will I do ... what can I do? I want to work and to reach a salary at which I can afford to support myself, I'd probably need to be in an office job. *shaking*

I need to think of other options. I need to think "outdoors" or something. Something like ... mmm park ranger? That was actually on the list of suggested careers from the career test I took back in high school.

Vetrinary assistant? Errr ... someone working in a zoo? (the symbolism of working in a zoo is too horrible though ...) something with animals, something outdoors, somethign with people ... something meaningful ... just something that is NOT in a cubicle. *trembling violently, shudders* God ... please ... just something that isn't in a grey box. It'd kill my soul ... I lived in such freedom growing up, in those buildings with the great big windows and beautiful scenic views, spending a lot of time outdoors too. Anything else feels like poison ... God, God ... I know that you know me and what I can and cannot do long term without breaking ... please, please ... don't forget me ... save me ...

Writing stuff like this, I find myself fearing that someone might think that I just don't want to work at all! sad That is not true in the least. I would give much to have a job right now, maybe even an office job. I am sick and tired of being unemployed and at home all day. It's really depressing and lonely. I hate it!

God ... *trembling* hold my hand now, my heart ... I want to get out of this country, out of this land of grey box office prisons and soul death ... please get me out of here soon and help me to be involved in something meaningful and fullfiling ... I need something different ... God, please ... help me to hang on until I can leave. Whatever horrible little job I have to get to limp by financially for the next 7 - 8 months, please, please keep me sane and keep my heart from breaking during that time. *shaking* If I could go right now, I probably would ... I have never really been alright since my family left the Philippines all those years ago. I wonder, will I ever really be "alright" again? I can't seem to live in America - it feels like death here, to me ... I yearn for the freedom of the forested mountains, the turquoise and sapphire seas, the islands ... for a life of meaning and purpose, helping people and living in a place that is so close to being a paradise ... I don't know if I'd ever be fit for anything else. I feel sick, I feel unwell living here in this "civilized" land with the grey cement covering everything, the telephone and electric lines fencing in the sky, the people shut up unmercifully in grey little boxes to serve out a life sentence doing things like data entry and filing. *trembles fearfully* It is utterly barbaric to me ...

I fear that I shouldn't even say such things lest I would inspire discontent in someone for whom such things do not hold horror ... I think there's something really wrong with me that I can't seem to make it here that I can't feel alive here ... *trembling* God, please bring me into a place of life - a place of freedom and beauty, a place where I can do something meaningful with my life ... help me ...