emo No words, only the horrible tears that fall inside me tonight. Burning, burning down into my chest, eating through me like a corrosive chemical substance ...
God save me ... I just want to be okay and just stay that way for the rest of my life ... What do I do just to make it through the night? I'd like to know - all I can think of is needing to be unconscious, to not be able to think or feel. I don't want to have any emotions tonight. It's too heavy ... I wonder what I should do? I'm not tired enough to fall asleep and it's 6:18 PM, so I wouldn't sleep through the night even if I was able to fall asleep right now. God ... please ... what do I do?
I had plans of things I wanted to do this evening, various things I need to do, but I am really, really not well ...
I think that I'm just going to have to take it easy - maybe watch a movie? Anything that will take my mind off of myself and my own feelings ...
I'd love to talk to someone, but all that would come out right now is this darkness, and I don't want anyone to hear it right now - it's too heavy ... I wish I could talk to another MK tonight and ask: "How are you? Are you happy? Have you found something to do with your life that fits you? What is it?"
Maybe I should look for a chat room for AMKs (adult missionaries' kids) - I wonder if there is such a place? Probably not, as the total population of MKs in the world probably only numbers in the thousands, and of those, how many adult MKs would find it worth their time to chat with other AMKs in a chat room? I should still look anyway ... someone out there must have found a way to deal with the restlessness that feels like such a disease ... something to do with their life that feels meaningful ...
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Very depressed ... *listens to "Justify" by The Rasmus*
*thinks of lost love ... sighs*
What a sad song ... emo Beautiful, but sad ... I'm crying too, but, as is all too often the case, the tears fall inside my heart instead of upon my face. Tears that fall outside seem to bring release and relief. Tears that fall inside just seem to collect in a rising pool inside. When the flood waters rise high enough, will the tears finally all be released?
I miss him.
I'm frightened about the future, about not knowing what to do with my life long-term to earn a living ...
I'm sad ... I feel hopeless tonight ...
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How does an MK (missionaries' kid) heal? How do I move forward with the restlessness inside of me? What do I do? I can see why there is such a high rate of MKs returning to the field to work as missionaries themselves someday ... it's the only world, the only life they know and the only place they really seem to fit. They grew up as wild creatures in wild lands - how could they ever belong in westernized society?
Where do I belong? There is nowhere ... I belong nowhere. I don't belong there, I don't belong here. There is nowhere to belong. It's a burning, aching seemingly accursed existence ... Endlessly nomadic.
I want to be home, wherever that is. I want to travel, I want to move, but I want to be home. I am very confused. There is no place for me. There is no culture, and the only people that would understand me are the ones, who, like me lived as strangers in a strange land everywhere they went, other TCKs (third culture kids). Where should I go? What should I do?
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Flight of the Unicorn
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