A Tower of Strength
Not that long ago, I was very defiant.
"No! I will be single for life! I won't let anyone have me! Guys only hurt me ... I want to be alone so that I can never, ever be rejected for not being as pretty as some other girl ... I'm better off alone. I don't want to be fenced in, captured, or caged by some guy that would have his own ideas of who/what he wants me to be!"
I want to go back to being defiant, hard, cold, and independent ... I felt so safe ... I could lie to myself and tell myself that the reason I'm not married already is that I am selective and because I am very independent. I miss feeling completely satisfied in being single. It was good. I would focus on enjoying life, singing, etc. I would never, ever let anyone hurt me again, I said ... I would never, ever hurt anyone again ... I wouldn't be vulnerable, reachable, etc. I was so free ... It's cold and lonely ...
How many years I have dreamed of this man, wondering who he is, where he is, if he even exists ... "Nothing more than a fantasy," I had concluded. It feels safer to believe that, to bury the knife of loneliness in my chest until I am numb and don't care if he exists anymore, don't care if anyone will ever love me. I want to be free ... but love is a kind of freedom too - but it can be so painful! sad I have waited so long for him ... "The man I've been dreaming of, he is a fantasy," I whisper, and shove the knife farther into my chest - I do not want to love, do not want to care. I want to be made of stone and ice so that I cannot feel pain. I fear and distrust men. They reject me, they say horrible things to me, they try to take advantage of me in one moment while telling me that I am not as desirable as they could have wished, they try to make me into who they want me to be. If I were hard, cold, and proud enough, would I make them all go away forever? But that's not what I really want, deep down ... Deep down, I want to love and be loved. I want to be vulnerable to love, to allow myself to trust someone. I guess I'm just not ready to trust right now. More than anything, I know that I am not fit for this man of the future. I am unworthy of him now and just plain much too messed up still to even begin to be the woman that he deserves. Very messed up still ...
I try to trust that God won't let go of my hand until the right man comes along, but I am so disillusioned. It's sad, because on those occasions when I did open myself up to give, I gave so much, cared so much and I was happy to give. I want to be able to trust and be vulnerable. It's just not time yet, though ... Too messed up ... could I ever be worthy? I feel like a craven being covered in dirt and filthy rags - unworthy, unlovable, unworthy of love. Ironic because my name means "Worthy of love" and "Beloved". I'd like to feel like I fit my name.
I need to read a whole squadron of books on stuff like: self-esteem, codependency, assertiveness, boundaries in relationships, etc. I am a sheep, plain and simple. Sheeps get eaten by wolves. I am tired of being dinner. "Self-defense for sheep!" There should be a book by that title ... and how can someone who is a sheep not attract a wolf? Maybe attract another sheep somehow? How? Also, do I really want a sheep? No ... I want someone who can stand and I need to be someone who can stand up for herself too. I just want to be normal, healthy, and whole - whatever that is ...
Even the two guys I've dated who weren't "wolves" eventually didn't want me ... I just wasn't enough? Wanting is more attentive - wanting is being important to someone ... I want to be wanted ... feels like such an impossibility ...
I need to trust that God hasn't allowed me to meet that man yet, that future man because the time is not right yet. I am not ready, and maybe he isn't ready yet either. I try to have faith that God will save him for me even though I've been so slow in becoming ready for my love ... God, please don't let anyone take him from me ... Keep him for me, please and give me to him and only him. Bless the love we will share someday. May it be as a sweet incense to You. True love is a beautiful thing and it glorifies God with its beauty and purity.
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What do I wish for?
I definitely want to sing with him. I want to do ministery with him. When I think about him, I swear I can almost see him smiling at me. His eyes are so kind, and his smile is warm. He loves me so much! ^_^
When I think about him, when I focus on him smiling at me, I can believe, for a moment, that he really exists ...
I think that we will talk about art, literature, and poetry together, maybe ... that would be a dream come true! >.< I hope I will be able to pursuade him to wear crow feathers in his hair for me maybe once or twice ... *has major crow feather fetish now ...*
When I think of him, I get this flash of us at some sort of church emotional healing conference thing - like maybe after we sang? We're about to go pray for people, and he looks over at me and smiles ... *melts* ... and his smile is so full of love and he looks so happy. His smile seems to say, "I'm so glad that we're doing this together." ^__^ *blush* In the past couple days, when I thought of him, this scene popped into my mind. I don't know if I could or even should call it a vision, really, but I do think that I am picturing what I want when I see this. It's such a powerful image, though - so clear I swear I can almost see his face. All I know is that he has a wonderful smile. smile I hope that this will happen ...
I feel strange saying that ... I was in a relationship not that long ago, and I feel guilty and sad (lingering feelings of love ...), but thinking about the man that I'm going to marry, whoever he is, is helping me to let go as I should. I guess that, deep down ... I've always known that the person I would marry someday would be someone I would minister with. I didn't believe it for so long, no matter how much I wanted it, I couldn't believe that I could be so blessed someday. Maybe it will happen, maybe ... he's out there somewhere, my mate, the one God has for me ...
two birds
two hearts
to wings take flight
chasing dreams
follow the light
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