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My heart feels like it's bleeding tonight ... various circumstances have combined in negative ways ... and I feel ... very sad right now, and lonely too.

*sighs*

Well ... maybe that's the way things will always be ...

I keep thinking about romance and wondering if I'll ever get married ... *sighs* I should just avoid everything romantic now so I don't think about the bleak existance which might be looming ahead of me, an endless desert. How long ... how long will this go on ... I wonder ... why do I feel that this is so important? What does it matter anyway? No, I know it's important, and cynical questions like that can't make me believe that it isn't. So, for now I write to pour this poisonous sadness out of me. This acidic pain, poison, this terrible loneliness it's ... horrible. Right now, I am finished with college, unemployed (long story, but I'm trying to change that), and I don't have a driver's license or a car (another long story & also something I'm trying to fix.) The hours stretch out endlessly before me ... empty and alone ... devoid of love, life, and purpose ...

this is a nightmare ...

I feel like ... I feel like I've felt for longer than I can remember ... that I am dying ... Can this be life? ...

Sometimes, there are dreams and wishes that I have, and they almost come true, but then something happens and they fall apart at the end ... and that is the most painful thing of all, when I held my dream in my heart, only to see it die ... then ... that is when I feel like I'm dying too ...

This pain is so deep, as though my very soul were weeping, bleeding, and dying ...

This must just be a temporary mood ... just maybe tonight it's worse ... I held a dream in my heart and watched it die tonight ... but it was never really mine and never could have been ... and a part of me died tonight too ....

Why aren't my prescription anti-depressants working? Is it because there is no cure for loneliness ... that must be it ...

I'll feel better tomorrow, I'm sure ... but tonight, all the pain welled up at once because tonight, a dream died ...

I'm suffering, dear God in heaven, if you have any mercy, put me out of my misery. Please help me not to dream so without reason. Help me to be wiser. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be cynical, but maybe, for awhile I need to be that way ... just to survive. If I care about how I feel, if I care that my heart is in pain, then I cannot live, the pain in my heart is too much for me to carry right now. If I can just deny it's existance for a little while until I'm stronger, then I might be able to shoulder the weight of the pain in my heart or even to destroy it someday. God, help me to survive this pain until it is gone. If I do as I used to in the past, write until the sorrow is all poured out of me upon the page before me, then I can survive. But most of all, God, I have to turn to you, You're the only one that really knows me - you know me better than I know myself ... thank you God for reminding me that I need to write to pour out my pain ... be here with me as I write ... be here with me always ... never let me forget that You're always with me, and that I will see You someday.