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I am alone and deeply lonely. I have no family to come home to at the end of the day to make all the misery of work worth it all - no one to make life worth living for that is there right beside me to hold me at night when I am sad. As a child, I believed that "what I want to be when I grow up" - whatever that was, when I decided it was going to be wonderful and enjoyable. I thought that people liked their jobs. That is because my parents were missionaries doing meaningful, wonderful work in a beautiful tropical country. I never knew life could be like this - how it is now. I had no concept of the horror, the endlessness of it all. And the obligation to go on breathing ... pointlessly and alone ... I don't want to live for my own sake. For me, that's not enough.

I don't know what to do with my life. There are too many choices, and I don't know what the right choice is. I just want God to flat out tell me. "Do THIS." I can't decide, because though there are many things that appeal to me, there is nothing that feels like that perfect fit - nothing other than writing, which is ... it's next door to impossible to make a living writing ... I wanted to have a grand purpose too - my parents had a wonderful calling, and what they did made such a huge difference in the lives of other people. I guess I grew up believing that there was one thing I was supposed to do with my life that would feel like a calling - a real purpose for living ... something that made life amazing ... a foolish dream, perhaps - but I saw someone living it right in front of me - I just didn't know how rare that was ... that so few people actually have something anywhere near as meaningful ... would I have wanted to know, growing up that it could be like this? I would not have survived as long as I have if that had been the case ...