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Sometimes, I find that writing stories about romance or watching romantic anime series or something ends up being a can of worms best avoided. Somewhere along the way, it all starts to remind me that I am single now, have been that way for years, and might be for ... who knows how long.

So easy to end up feeling sad as a painful downside to my enjoyment of romance in fiction, because in contrast, my life is so loveless and lonely. I enjoy my solitary pursuits - writing, anime, roleplaying, etc. Well, solitary in the sense that there's no one physically present in the room with me as I pursue these forms of escape.

I have never been in love before - infatuation yes, but never real love. I wonder what real love is like ... I wish I knew ... I can only wonder, imagine, hope, and dream ...

I've done a lot of writing about Ellie and Scar to sort of get a feel for who they are as well as to brainstom ideas of things that could happen between them. As I've written, I have seen some of what I hope for there - in the latter stages, when it is all gentleness, sacrifice for the other's well-being, deep devotion to each other, etc. *sighs* I'm just writing about this now to write the feelings out of me. If I pour them out on a page or screen, sometimes the pain will go away and leave me alone for awhile ... I want someone who would risk his life for me and who I would risk my life to save too - that deep bond that you are so intensely connected to that person. Seems kind of impossible, somehow. I've never been that precious to any guy that has ever been interested in me. I'm tired of being a thing, a doll, or a lump of clay that someone overbearing thinks he can mold just because I'm usually pretty passive irl. I'd like to be a person rather than a thing that some guy thinks he'll be able to own. I am my own person with a mind, a personality, and a heart. My heart can only belong to one who knows me well and who can appreciate and enjoy who I am, inside my heart and mind. Somehow ... I must've had a run of really bad luck with guys, because I never really felt known, understood, or appreciated by any of them - thus, I never truly felt loved. I know that I believed at the time that I was "in love", but looking back, I can see that it was not love.

Such bitterness is ugly ... I'd prefer to be as soft-hearted as I used to be, but there are just so many people who can't be trusted in dating relationships ... *sighs* ...

I hate being bitter ... I'd like to be soft and tender - warm and brave and alive ... that is the person that I want to be ...

But I have been that person that glorified bitterness - proud, cold, and aloof within my heart, while yearning not to be all the while. And even here, I suppose I have glorified my bitterness far more than condemning it for what it is. I'd rather forget about the past, learn life again, new without the past affecting me any more. Does it really affect me that much anymore? Sometimes, yes - when I feel ugly and remember the guy who was pursuing me romantically, trying to get me to go out with him - who actually told me that I looked ugly once ... those words still echo in me, I think ... I want them to be dead words that cannot touch me anymore ... Beautiful, not beautiful. The mostly scary middle-aged men who try to flirt with me on the bus vs. guys my age who mostly look right through me as if I wasn't there ... what am I really, on the outside? I don't like that it matters to me, but it does ... maybe that's just part of being a woman ...

I still feel so worthless - but mostly that's because I tend to put myself down in my own thoughts and because somewhere deep inside of me, I'm not strong enough to believe that I can actually succeed - at anything ...