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Restless ... I know I need to sleep, I know it ... but I am fighting to be free ...

I did not receive the call from Unemployment today ... I must have done something wrong - I may have to rush out and get some horrid little temp job in a gray little office somewhere ... I feel that I'd rather die than do that - it's too horrible. Over 2 years of that is more than enough to last me a lifetime. I don't want to end up in another job that will send me to the hospital for severe depression again. I just can't do it ... That is why I am taking graphic design classes to try to update my skills so that maybe I won't have to be a filing clerk again ...

I can't send myself to prison again ... I do not have family and love to come home to - I don't have parents, a sibling, or a husband to come home to to make it all worth it somehow. Working for myself is ... but then, work is part of survival. But some kinds of work are like being in prison ... gray and hopeless ... *sighs* ... I can't do that again ... but I might not have a choice ... I only pray that there's still a chance that Unemployment will deal with me promptly ... and not delay anymore. When I think about having to get some awful office job again, I think "Why bother getting up in the morning? Is life only made for suffering?" I really need to go to sleep ... I am afraid and so I am holding on as tightly as I can to the things I enjoy - roleplaying, watching anime, writing, etc. - all this internet stuff that is the morphine I need to dull the pain of life. Reality always comes around again on the other side of escape. Waiting for me when I wake up. Maybe that's why I don't want to go to sleep. I want my time to be my own. I want to be free.