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a saturday morning
so i saw paul being amazing... in a peice fo my heart last week. on opening night. that was really fun. and i wanted to see it lyk every night, and i wasnt able too... and i have been trying to get my dad to let me see it again since i saw it... there are only 6 preformances... and finaly, he is letting me and my sister see it, today is the last preformance... and its the only one that isnt @ night. i cant w8 to see it... i know for me... the 1st and last performances i am in are always the best. cuz the first one is all about adrenalin, and then the last one is kinda the same cuz u have been doing it for so long and it is finaly over...... i dont know if i should bring him flowers. or do u not do that for guys? but hes not every guy... so idk..... i think ill bring him a rose... the show starts @ 2..... and its a 2 hour show. today has been kinda a weird day.... on the way here [[my grandmas house]] for the first time my mom was pulled over. and my dad was in the back with the dogs [[kenai and sidka]] she got a fix it ticket.... for haveing an out of date licences something... my mom never gets in trouble for anything, and she was all scared and shakeing.... it was awedul. i think the cop knew that she was freaking. and let her get away with it. lyk all my life neither of my rents have gotten a ticket, and since this summer they have both gotten one. my dad had it bad though. he had to go to trafic school... and court... and all that stuff. but my mom doesnt... i think. idk.... i was kinda not paying attention. but that lady cop was armed.... he had everything. she had a gun, and she had mase... and just EVERYTHING a night stick..... anyway.... oh... i heard about that guy that killed himself on the enternet.... and he tryed it in septemeber... but some one called it in, and he was saved. but this time 3 thousand people watched live as he killed himself... it was something lyk over doseing.... idk. unless it was something lyk caffiene that doenst sound lyk fun.. to watch [[not that it would really be fun watching some one kill themselfs]] and all the people watching were rooting him on. i bet those people thought it was just intertainment... or something. i wonder how many people that watched really care that that guy killed himself. i know paul is gunn ahev something to say about this [[if he reads this... ever]] but that sounds like something that paul would do. let the whole world watch him die. and listen to all the people encouraging him to kill himself.... my dad says that site will get sued. i think it was myspace or somthing lyk that. it was lame... on the news they didnt show the dead guy... the blocked out his body... and all they were showing was when a cop came in and found his body on the bed. i wonder how long it took for him to die. and will he get a darwin award? or are the requirements being incredibly stupid? cuz he did die... but not really by natural selection... and i think that is one of the requirments... im not sure though. there were pix on the news of that kid and his friends... and just lyk paul it looked lyk he was a pretty happy dude... but alone... @ home... all his regrets come to life... and try to take his life.... i know he probably wont want all this out here... but i dont think he reads these anyway...... for every one else he is normal, and fun... but there is another side to him. lyk dr. jeckel and mr. hyde..... kinda lyk that. he wants to imbrace death... and pain. he wants to hurt. and he wants to be hurt. he has done bad things to people and animals... but there is one thing i dont understand. he does feel remorse... but im not sure y. cuz he isnt stoping what hes doing. and he is proud of his distruction. his arm is all full of scars... on his left forearm.. and he wears them with pride. he lyks what he has done... and honestly... i feel lyk it is something i did. i cause him to cut. my name always comes up when he is talking about the reasons he has cut. its almost as if i cut him myself. and i cant stop him, or myslef. and i know what gets to him, and i know what sets him off...... and for some reason i keep doing those things. well, not right now. but i used to... i guess............ eh... dead people.... sad thing. i wonder how many people will keep that... or if his rents or other family members will.... and i wonder how many other people have done things lyk that..... this kid wont be remembered... and his legend wont live on...... i wonder how old he was. and what he has done. and what he would have been.. what made him do this.... was he curious lyk myself? did he just want to know what was on the other side? or did he have some other reason? did he hurt? what did he have to gain... had he lost? what killed him... was he dead before he took his life? was he a pain zombie..... though people incouraged me... was that really what helped him? how many people are out there that wanted this stranger to kill himself? y couldnt he be saved? what was wrong? i want to know. was there any one out there for him? some one that is now missing their other half. a ying with no yang? will that person sence there other is gone, and have no reason to live either. or did his other die @ the same moment? did he know what love was? DID HE KNOW! WAS HE AWARE! IS HE DEAD! or will he still walk the earth. will he incourage other people to die. or will he stay here in a new body. was he reincarneated into a new body? is he needed in a heaven... or is he now in a hell? will he meet the colombine boys? and all the others that took their lives? how long will he be remembered? until his family is gone? how many people did he kill when he took his life? i know his mom is dead... and she cant ever be alive again... she is lost. a pain zombie.... but his friends? are they dead too? or were they some of the ones begging for him to end it all...... can they feel anymore? do they cry out to him? or do they keep it all inside. how many people are hurt? and will they get better? how much time did he spend on this earth? and how much did he use? enough to make a new life? could he have fed 2 more lives with all he has consumed? will i ever have my questions answered is he the last one? or is this the begging of a new trend? suicide is already a trend in teens.... but now with tehcnology.... can they advertise their death? i hope he is better now. and that where ever he is... and whatever he is doing.... he is better.
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