Alright, this is my journal. Diary just sounds weird, so journal it is. I'll write about whatever I want and such, and I really don't care if you read it or not.
If you want to take a looksee, go ahead.
Entry Ninety-Six - Is a sad, sad day. For now.
I say 'For now' because undoubtedly the sorrow will fade into a memory and will be buried by happier memories, and also curious ones.
I have tried to distance myself from the 'pains' of having a social media outlet/account and the heart-wrenches that are said to accompany it. Said by those that peruse that social media far more than myself and are more prone to that sort of thing, i.e., break-up's of any kind, misunderstandings, etc...I thought I had escaped it to a large extent. Nothing terrible had happened. All of my friends were still my friends, no matter if we rarely talked. Every 'controversial, friendship-destroying' topic was carefully avoided or navigated around with minimal hazard. It worked for as long as I believed it worked, which right now I'd say is 97-99%.
I was right. And, I was also wrong.
I did expect something to happen, of course. Not just because of the social media hazards but within the course of your life something will happen. And I suppose I want to say that the...feeling of your heart dropping wouldn't happen in this sense, or that it wouldn't be such a far fall. But that's my naivete, and I force the 'that won't happen to me' belief onto myself in order to stay in a half-and-half sort of speculative mood to explain this. I want to say that 'These are my friends, and they're different. They'll at least have the courtesy to explain what is happening rather than cut away!', but that is untrue. They are my friends, yes, but they are also individuals just like me, and so it's not so hard to imagine that they might do what I would. Yet, I still believe that this occurrence is...unfair?
Social media, chat clients, and gaming are the only ways that I am able to communicate with anyone long-distance anymore. I've met a great selection of people from Gaia itself to add to my companions and thus into an RL sort of status. In this way, my care and adoration of my Internet friends turns them into something...closer. More intimate? Maybe. And this is where the 'social media blues' clashes quite dramatically with my wish to appeal to everyone I meet in a favorable light and to avoid as many toes so that I don't step on them. Not as a social butterfly aspect, but more of a loneliness aspect.
Now, I feel that it is one thing to 'unfriend' someone and another to 'block' someone. 'Unfriending' could mean so many things, and not all of them negative. 'Blocking' is...final. There is a finality to it that speaks volumes to my heart. It means that something is wrong, or something may have gone wrong and I was never told about it, instead being resigned/rejected to a corner of someone's mind that they'd rather set apart. I believe it's commonly done when one 'grows up' or 'grows out' of things they see contrary to who they've become, but that's only my opinion.
So, I was blocked. I had a suspicion about it, as they had disappeared on my friend's list quite a while ago, a fact I discovered when I went to 'tag' them into something I thought they'd be interested in. Their name no longer showed up in the 'Find peeps' bar, and it seemed that I could find no inkling of their existence around, not even in things I had done with them. I checked to make sure that I had not blocked them, perchance by accident, but I have never blocked anyone before. I saw that a mutual friend of ours was, in a conversation, talking to me first, and then to some invisible post made by them that I had no way of seeing. I hadn't know that they had even been included in the conversation in the first place! It hit, and my heart plummeted. I had been blocked.
There is a list of things that ran through my mind:
But...why? I thought we were good friends! What happened...? I'm...like...the nicest person around...Why me? What about all of the good times we'd had? The stories we've created together! Was it you? Did you decide that it was time to let some things go and I was one of them? Or...was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Why didn't you say anything to me about it!?
And so on. My thought process doesn't lead to anger, it leads to putting myself down for something that may/may not have been my fault, and to the feeling of irreparable loss. Then I question my friend's body language the last time we met, and the few 'off' interactions we had as well. They had been aloof, standing in the background, and someone else had talked to me instead with a polite, friendly smile. My friend's eyes had been dark, or possibly held the flat, cursory look that one gives to someone they don't wish to be associated with any longer, and their face was kept stony calm. They did not speak, and left without a word.
We had talked on a subject of 'growing up' some day before that. How my friend had felt as a child going nowhere for so long, and that they felt liberated to be able to be an adult at last and take on responsibilities. Yet, there was a bitterness to those written words. As if accusing me of prodding into a personal decision that I had absolutely no right to, not even as a friend because I was still perhaps 'someone they had met on the Internet. How dare I, now fading into just another acquaintance, try to influence their decisions! I suppose I was a bit strong on my own wishes to be able to communicate with them through Gaia more, because at that time I used it far more than any other social media. But I feel terrible, as if I had somehow caused the problems and the rift between us.
I suppose that perhaps this could be some misunderstanding on my part and I'll feel the fool when things are reconciled, but I doubt it. We're still friends on Gaia, although I feel that doesn't mean much anymore seeing as they don't get on here much. I want to say that I'm sorry and want to know why this has to be, but I doubt they'd see this or listen if they truly wish to distance themselves from me.
Whatever the outcome, all I know is that losing any kind of friend I have and can relate to is a horrible, gaping chasm.
--Ty, the sorrowful creator-god
Ty Gwynnia · Tue Nov 25, 2014 @ 05:11am · 0 Comments
