Well today was odd. I started out feeling depressed to have to start the day; if I weren't off in my own little world i would never had made it through. Then I was chiper even though my best friend was grumpy again. Usually her grumpyness passes off onto me but I won't let it anymore. I'm worried about her, that's all.
I had an interesting talk with my new english and writing teacher. She thinks I'll do great in college/university. It's nice to hear that because I feel so dumb in the school I am in now. I don't get enough credit to want to keep moving forward. So I struggle on and pray that I'll pass so that I can finally move on. I really do want to go to college, it's my reason for being alive right now... to know more.
My friend situation has gone a bit downhill. I feel so distant from everyone. I wonder how it happened, it may have been my fault. Yeah this entry might be kinda depressing since I'm upset while writing it, I'm kinda crying but you know, whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. I just really wish I would stop letting people get so close... it always ends up hurting more then it should.
Okay I'll admit it, I'm barely holding on. I have a few things to keep me going and my extreame fear to tie me down. It's getting scarey though. I found myself almost getting into the car and driving off five times today and yesterday when driving down a cliff I almost drove right off just to make it quick. Sure I fear something terrible, but that doesn't mean my impulses are affected. I'm not going to drive anywhere far till this goes away, that's for sure. I don't sleep cause I feel upset, I don't want to get up cause I feel upset, and I don't want to leave the school because I know I'll be upset. If it gets any worse I"m afraid I'm going to have to get some help. I don't want to but I'm really going to have to soon. I can't hurt the ones who care even if I don't see the point in trying.
I'm sorry if I actually worried anyone. The reason I stick this in here is because there is less people to worry. I wonder how many actually would think me serious? I know they worry about Aaron and Anna... I wonder if they actually worried about me. I always seem so in control I guess. I am such a good actress... It's anarchy inside. Thank god I know it's only because I feel upset that I don't see a point. Erm, I'm sure people have heard it all before and often.
And god do I feel so sick... I swear I've almost vomited my food up all day. There's too much stress. The ibs is having a great time and i find that I have to retreat to the bathroom every half an hour. Great comment eh? Well even though I was feverish all night I did get an adequate amount of sleep I guess for one being sick. I haven't told anyone I've been sick for three weeks. They think I'm making it up anyway so why bother?
Happy Thoughts: Writing is getting better and is almost done. I'm loving my new teacher so that won't be hard and neither will english.
Um... good things... I've been working hard and that's a good thing. I can sort of write again... that's definatly good. I skip less school and sleep in less now. I'm not pregnant, that's always good, XD, not like that was ever a worry.
Is it just me or is this list short compared to the one above? Eh, not like anyone reads or should read. Actually I would advise all to stop reading from now on if you hate reading sad, depressed, or annoying things like this. It'll do no good.
I think I'll go throw up now.
 Silent Flame · Tue Mar 01, 2005 @ 05:56am · 3 Comments |
