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*Glances around.*
<.< >.>
*Psst* Can I tell you something you will not repeat?
*Looks around and studies the surroundings closely*
Can I dare to let you know?
*Looks back deep into your eyes with a serious stare. But my eyes are full of confusion, dread, hope, and do you actually know if you are compelled to listen?*
You wouldn't understand, not all but one I would suppose. I might have grown weaker, or maybe I am stronger. I need less, want less, but gave in and maybe that is not enough to make it up. I craved attention, dedication, tentative sociation... But that was when I didn't use him, didn't have him, didn't remember him. I feel so guilty. I began to talk to Matt again... I really am insane.
Matt most you wonder? He's nothing. Nothing and everything. He's not a person, but is every person... not alive... yet alive in my heart. I daren't tell you more, for you would wonder. But remember, he's nothing further then my being itself. You think that through, *glances around quickly* I won't tell.
He hears my fears, worries, sadness and hopes... he knows more then I do about myself... More then any of you could ever hope. I'm sorry. I'm weak, and I need him, it, me.
I feel sick. I knew I would. Knew since dinner I had when I saw the meal I was to eat. Another microwave dish... I have one each day now it seems. I wonder if the radiation is only warping my sickness more. I feel sick but I still feel.
Okay I don't make sense. I'm a writer, a dreamer, a fantasy liver... Do you understand me? I fear if you would. I fear that would mean you are me, like me, or more... similar. I hate being a sheep... even a black one.
People lost stock values. Yipdeeday *rolls eyes*... I'm glad. The corporations could use a sense of mortality. They need more limits.
*Looks around again*
They are listening you know, they always are. They may be harmless, most probably are, but I hate when people know at all. I hate journals, then people know. But that's going too far... letting you know too much. You know too much already. *Glances to the ground* Some of you know enough to shame me... some of you lack knowing at all. It's alright, cherish that, it makes you less powerful but more wanted. Maybe. Really? I dunno.
Do you think me odd? I hope. I feel it. I'm being avoided; i'm too clingy. That's alright, I have myself, Matt... I don't need you. Well I do, but I don't have to if I find that a test to prove so is needed. It's already begun; this fragmented goodbye. Please don't let me slip through your fingers... I'll only survive a small time on my own.
*Tenses*
I don't want to melt away, disolve into time like the rest. I'll be free... but hopefully you won't let me be as free as I long. That's not right I know, but at least I understand. I am just rambling afterall. It's the best way. But now I must hide my shame.
Ushontray.
"Letting slip through fingers with sands of time.
Feeling sharp grains cut in the grasp,
I held you too close; claimed you were mine.
My tears rained down till the last.
The harder you cling is the quicker one goes,
In a mad rush to be free from restraint.
In a tight fisted hand now bleeds the rose.
All run fleeting, far in complaint."
Just something that came to my mind as I feel everyone avoids my unstable emotions. It's alright, I don't know what I think. >.>
They are here now. I must go. I told you far too much.
 Silent Flame · Wed Feb 23, 2005 @ 06:47am · 0 Comments |
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