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Why did I write religious stuff? o.0;;; |
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I'm suppose to write a journal for writing. I can't do journals as one might have noticed and well... it's mandatory and is worth a hefty amount of marks so I just can't skip it. But what am I suppose to write about knowing that a teacher who is linked to the government and who has a phycology background is going to read it. I also don't have a journal to actually write it into anymore. (I lost it. ^.^; wink . So this will be interesting to say the least. I guess I'll have to use that little bit of money that I scrimped over from my birthday... (I don't get an allowance nor anything that would make up for a lack of allowance but 20 bucks every few weeks for gas. This would be why I need a job. SOrry Chibi, I have to get one, and we all know how that's going to be on my IBS stress. >.< Fun fun!).
Okay so I'm grumpy today. Not surprising, I'm grumpy almost every day there is school. My hours just don't fit into this whole get up early thing. But garnet (Trying to reduce swearing into stupid quick fillers), I am sick and tired of everyone saying they are a night person when usually it's just kids who hate the limits of School bedtimes. Real night people stay up most of the night when they can and usually even if they aren't suppose to. I know someone who claims they are a night person (no one any of you would know) when this person cannot stay up past one and gets up before 10 the next day. Sorry, you ain't no night person. I would stay up till the wee hours on a school night if it didn't actually almost kill me the next day. Once they find a treatment for IBS I am the first to sign on. stressed stressed As for me? I'm neither night nor day right now. The schedual I have to follow sets my hours so out of wack that I cannot got to bed early for school nor stay up late on weekends and days off. Not to mention that because of that I'm always upset and pissy. ANYONE REMEMBER HOW I WAS IN THE SUMMER? Well that would be me in my normal schedual. Happy, IBS free, and oh garden, NOT CRANKY! xd I even got along with people.
Oh yeah, today would be so-called day two of the addiction fighting... Piff, dumb I say. I was really out of it and stupid yesterday. I always deal with hurt badly. You see, yesterday I wanted to talk to my bf and I did. He talked of his day then left. Gee thanks buddy, nice to know about your day, how letting me talk of mine? I always try to talk issues out with him that I'm having but he just retorts it back to his issues and even will change the topic back to what he was talking about.
I'm in a program called CSI. No, not the tv show; it's for school. Critical Studen Intervention: We help the students who need the help to grad. Okay so I'm not dumb I have been able to prove to myself and others, just a very procrastinating person. The projects I have to do are boring and unchallenging and I always get stuck on the easy stuff. Even in math I'll have a problem with a hard question only because I am thinking that it's suppose to be harder then it is. I never realize that maybe it is as easy as I see it. No one could be THAT smart eh? Especially not myself. No, that would be a self-centered thing to think. Oh, anyway, it gives me two days (4 sessions in total) where I will have a nice quiet room to work in where there is a humanities and a science and math teacher in there dedicated to helping us. If you need more help, they will assign for a teacher to come in another session and help. If you need materials, same thing. It helps me to NOT procrastinate and get away from all those ignorant "not my fault I don't do work" talkers. I am so sick of Children not taking responsibilities for their own failure. I failed to do work. I failed to get help when I needed it. I shouldn't be talking and I make mistakes.
My bf? Well he doesn't understand that it seems. It is never his fault, always the teacher's... or heaven mercy: THE SCHOOL SYSTEM! >.< *Pauses a moment*
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*Breaths*
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He agreed that he needed help and I was proud of him. He said he should be in the program as well: (Yay!). But then the next day when we were suppose to go to it he suddenly is like: "Oh the system sucks and will never work."
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*Breath*
Well... I think it will work and I think you should do it. But nope, the systen sucks and will never work and that's that. He has an issue with authority you see... Funny, I actually loath people like him. Makes me really wonder why I am with him sometimes. He's really good with actions. Like he'll rub my back if it kinks, and he'll hold the doors open for me... he'll pull my chair out and rub my leg for comfort... give me a hug if I'm upset and a place to rest my head when I'm sleepy... His words and attitude just really really really really really, kinda, suck.
Maybe this is what I should write in my writing journal. Or maybe I shoulds stick to: "Today I thought I would write that twisted tale of Rapunzle but then got distracted since I really hate the fact that you as the teacher told me I should do it."
Yup, she'll love that. smile
I'm not really going anywhere with all of this. *Laughs*. I even let my bad tendencies slip up in the guild. That must have worried them poopless. 1. NO I will not take my life, 2. NO I will not hurt myself, and 3. NO I will not disappear.
Why: 1. I promised, 2. Ju-ju will never speak to me again, and 3. I lack the strength. I could also mention that I am scared of all three of those things too.
Oh did I forget to mention I hate people who don't take responsibility seriously? CSI is heaven to me and in walks these stupid girls who have alot of giggly and chatty friends who don't even need the program. They just wanted a place to sit cause they were kicked out everywhere else. Where there is one, there is always 20 more. Girls kept calling to them, they kept talking, and you cannot use your Diskman in this place because THAT sort of thing is not suppose to be allowed. I guess the teachers got them in the end. Ridiculed them for talking, ridiculed them for distrubing another girl, riduculed them for trying to leave to talk to a teacher, and riduculed them for sneaking out for an appointment. HAH, SUCKRES! And you all thought I was nice... pity. Hmm but I am also grumpy so I might not be like this later... that's a thought I should keep in mind.
Oh and you guys may, that is a MAY, not see me on msn much anymore. I hate it, it depresses me, it upsets me, and it angers me. I get sad when cetain people aren't on to talk or don't talk, I get mad when certain people bug me when I am busy and don't take a hint when I don't answer them after the first three times they messaged, and it depresses me when no one talks to me at all. I brought that all upon myself mind you, so no blame is to befall anyone. So obvious choice is to quit it. But there are a few I don't get to talk to often unless I sign on so I guess I'll be on a few times. Like now for instance I am about to sign onto it. *Signs on*.
There is no one on. Whoot. neutral
Oh, if God answers a question should you listen? Yesterday I asked God a question and in it was a request that he answer in a sort of action. That action happened and I dunno if I should listen to his answer. It's nothing bad or anything, but it means alot of risk on my part and well... Alot of stress and work to be done. It has something to do with a soulmate issue. (I hate love... it scares me and is too much effort. razz ). Anyway, I'm not really a great christian... in fact I do believe in the God that Jesus talked about but I don't really consider Jesus my savior. I'm sorry for you die-hard Christians, I mean no offense at all, I just don't worship Jesus in that way really. Doesn't fit my beliefs. I would stop celebrating Christmas and Easter if I didn't consider them a Family holiday more then a religious one. I have a feeling this is going to send me to hell, right Christians? Well... I kinda believe in reincarnation. Okay so you say that means I don't believe in the same God? Maybe after all... But I do believe in God even if the other things are a bit fuzzy.
Don't try and convert me or anything. Pushing makes me want to do the opposite and I really don't want to end up hating God just because you wanted me to love him. sad That would make me sad.
I should actually delete all that. If I was as I normally am, wishing to avoid confrontation, I would. But really... I want people to know how I am so I guess tough to the side of me that fears pressing the submit button.
And that is all. xd
 Silent Flame · Thu Feb 17, 2005 @ 10:17pm · 1 Comments |
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