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listen hit replay several times.
holding back screams and tears is so painful. just knowing that he'll be back and i'll get to see him tomorrow makes me happy enough. i remember what everyone else says, even though they may have been joking around. how i'm lucky that it's only 11 months and not 4 years. or 10 years. and just knowing that i may be able to visit him in december keeps me going.

just finished watching Voices of A Distant Star, too. I teared up. but i had to hold back because, like he said, crying won't change anything. plus my sisters were around. i can only show my brave face to them because they know crying means you're weak. it won't change anything. they know that. the night before the day he left, my mother stood in my doorway. i was writing the goodbye card i'd bought him that day. that night He and I had our last date and night together for a while. We danced. We kissed in the rain. I miss him. but, my mother stood in the doorway of my bedroom. she asked if i was okay. i hate it when people ask me that. i answer yes even though i can feel my brave face ripping away. she kept asking and asking, and i kept saying, "yeah, i'm fine" my voice getting smaller and weaker. then i told her to please go away. she kept asking the same question. "go away, please just go away. leave me alone." then she asked why. that was when i broke down. i cried in my mother's arms, like the baby that i am.
my little sister told me that she cried when she overheard me weeping. I'd let down my little sister, that looks up to me for guidance. I must look so weak to her, letting her listen to my cries that night. that is why i'll make it up to her and be the "good girl" that i am, and work hard. get a job, maybe 3. just to be able to show her and every one else that i really do love Him. i miss holding his hand in mine, poking his sides, watching his face change expression everytime. His worried look whenever my voice begins to fade. And his voice across the phone when he knew that i wasn't okay, even when i said i was. i miss his lips on my forehead. on my hand. on my own lips. i miss holding him. i miss listening to his heart beat with my own, at the same exact pace. i miss my Riley. today's my second day without him. it feels as though he's left weeks, even months ago. the days are getting so much longer. i hate that. because when i'm with Him, the days cut off short. why can't it just be the opposite? so these 11 months will go by in a heartbeat. i've cried a total of 75 minutes since he's left. aren't i a strong girl? I can't just cry and wait around for Him to come back to me. He's already done so much for me, i don't think i've done enough for Him. to show Him how much i love Him and only Him. everyone else doubts us but i want to show them that thinking that way will only get them a broken face and make me ten thousand times stronger. watch me.