I’m still a live but I’m barely breathing…
The pain is all I feel as it invades my mind. Memories of us are all I can think of as I lie there still in my bed. I’m curled into a tight ball as I wrap my arms firmly around my body hugging myself, hoping for comfort that I know will never come. I shut my eyes as tight as I can, hoping that when I finally open them you will be there.
Just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in…
I didn’t know how long I cried into my pillow the night before or how many times I whispered your name. All I know is that nobody came. With a tear soaked pillow I was finally too tired of crying and against my will I forced with no other option but to fall asleep.
Cos I got time while she got freedom…
Waking up the nightmare begins. Rolling over to my side I still laid there. My eyes sore and puffy from all the tears I shed the night before. There is terrifying emptiness that I feel now knowing that things will never be the same. Closing my eyes I hope to dream again.
Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even…
Searching through the broken dreams, the shattered happiness, a torn spirit tries to find their way through so much sadness knowing that they can never turn back.
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
I’m pulled away from my sleep as my eyes open again, hearing the clicking of the clock that hangs on a nearby wall. Running my hand over my face I try to wipe the sleep away. My fingers run through my hair I close my eyes as I turn over on my back and give out a small breath. Lying still against the bed I know that life is passing me by. The clicking of the clock tells me so.
What am I suppose to say when I’m all chocked up and your ok
My eyes open as I stare at the ceiling. That wall…so white, it reminds me of a time when I was innocent. It reminds me of a time before all this tragedy happened. Taking a moment I stare at the ceiling as I unconsciously gather my strength.
I’m falling to pieces….
My body wants up and I somehow manage to find the strength to do what it wants. Feeling myself sit upright for the first time in days I feel dizzy as a twinge of a slight headache is now beginning to build. My hand reaches up to my head as my fingers rub my right temple, trying to soothe the impeding pain.
I’m falling to pieces…
I can feel myself lean more onto my left hand as I close my eyes and focus on trying to regain my bearings. After a few moments the pain goes away, for now, anyways…The first thing that hits me as I open my eyes again is the bright light that blinds my vision. Shielding my eyes whit my hand, I give my eyes time to adjust.
They say bad things happen for a reason
Once adjusted, I can see that the light is penetrating through a small crack from the blinds safeguard my room. Shifting once again I stand to my feet. Stumbling momentarily I fight gravity, willing myself to stay standing. Once I gain the security of my balance I make my way to the blinds and shut them, not allowing any light in. Not allowing the outside world to come in. Darkness replaces where light once was.
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
I can tell from where I am standing that there a new voice messages left on my answering machine. Not knowing why, I walk over and begin to play the messages. “------, it’s your mother. Please sweetie we all miss you…” I hit the deleted button. The next one comes on, “Hey -----. It’s me Bill. You know your best friend. Look, we all know you are hurting inside. We are all worried about you. Please…” I hit the button again, slightly growing irritated knowing that others would naturally assume how I feel. Taking a chance I play the next one, “-----, It’s me Sherri. Please honey, you need to talk about this. It’s not healthy to barricade yourself in your apartment. It’s not right to worry everybody like this…” I let the message continue. “We all knew Tom was a great man.” My eyes shot open at the mentioning of that name. She continues, “And we both know he wouldn’t be pleased with the way you are dealing with this.” I can feel my anger rise as frustrated tears form, blurring my vision. “We all miss him, honey.” I had enough. “What the HELL do you know?!!!” I yell with all my might as I grab the machine and throw clear across the room, hearing it break wherever it lands.
Cos she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
Breaking into hard sobs, I feel my knees give as I collapse to the floor. “What the hell do you know…” I say over and over again feeling my body shake as hot tears form and fall from my eyes. Almost collapsing completely I brace myself with my hands, not allowing the rest of my body to completely come into contact with the cold tile.
Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even…
In the midst of my crying I hear something fall. My body not wanting to get up, I force myself to see what it was. Crawling over to the direction of the crash, I see reminisces of a broken picture frame as it lay shattered across the floor. I reach out and take the frame shakily in my hands. New tears forming in my eyes as I see it is a picture of us, of what we used to be.
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
I smile weakly trying hard to hold back the tears.
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
A soft sob chokes out breaking the silence that once consumed the room.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains
Tears falling and hitting broken glass of the picture, I don’t want to hold back my tears. Agony, hate, despair, dismay are all laid out as I cry before the picture in my hands. I don’t try to hide the pain anymore. I let it all out.
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name
Then the question that I have been avoiding all this time finally comes out, “Why?” At first I ask it out hoping for a response but none is given. My eyes furrow from anger as I ask again, “Why, damn it?!” I stare angrily at the picture putting forth all my unspoken anger, “Why did you leave me?!!!” Angry tears replace sad ones, “Why Tom?!!!” I shake the picture in my grasp. “Why the hell did you leave me…” I say in broken sobs.
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you…
Closing my eyes I hug the picture close to my chest. “I need you…so why…why did you leave me?” I feel myself cry again out from the blistering pain that I now feel building in my chest. It feel so heavy, such a heavy weight on my chest that only seems to grow heavier from the pain.
What am I suppose to say when I’m all chocked up and your ok…
Closing my eyes I roll over onto my back, allowing the tears to roll down the sides of my cheeks, leaving a hot trail of liquid as they fall. “We were suppose to be happy…You were suppose to take care of me.” I feel another torrent of tears rise as my body slightly trembles knowing for the first time I am admitting aloud the pain that I feel, that I harbor.
I’m falling to pieces…
“What am I suppose to do now?” I helplessly ask in the quiet darkness, hoping that your voice would answer for me.
I’m falling to pieces…
I want to hope so bad as I lay there cradling your picture against my chest that you would come back and wake me up from this nightmare I am living in now. “Why did it have to turn out this way?” I helpless ask again feel the need to be answered by anything.
One still in love while the other ones leaving
Whipping my eyes I stare out into the darkness. Gathering the picture from my chest I raise it up so that I can see it with my eyes. I try to smile at the memory but pain quickly replaces everything. I hold the picture again, hugging it tightly as I lean my head back.
Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even….
“Why Tom? Why did you have to die and leave me all alone again?…” I quietly ask as I close my eyes hoping that I will never wake up again.
When a heart breaks…it don’t break even…
-End
“Break Even” by The Script
I don’t know what you would call this but it is a story written to a song “Break Even” by The Script. Don’t ask me why I wrote this, I just did. If you don’t like it, “Oh well.” Comment if you like but I hardly doubt you will read it all. ^^
I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…
Just prayed to a god that I don’t believe in…
Cos I got time when she got freedom…
Cos when a heart breaks no it don’t break even…
Andi_lover Community Member 
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