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so yea...
So yea im starting to realize more and more what kinda life o was living, it doesn’t seem so pleasant. I was speaking to my dr. and advised me to slowly start contacting people. Heres the problem, im scared…according to my cusins leo and ratface like I call them, I seemed to not have many friends and I only kept in contact with two particulars. Why? Was I that much of a loner? I kno I have done things in the past but that shouldn’t be a reason why not to have friends, if anything the more friends I would have probably the more I would be able to get over the past and move on to live my life. Was my life so depressing? How horrible… I feel like that I haven’t been choosing the right decision quite often infact im pretty positive, they told me the bad accident I had was because of me, I was trying to kill myself…. This wasn’t the first time, I do remember the first time, a while back I tried to drive off a cliff and the piece of s**t car I had saved my life…the wheels locked because the rack and pinion was no good and the steering wheel didn’t do s**t so I ended up just spinning out of control and never making it off that cliff. But that story was the result of another long story, something that I will regret for the rest of my life…. Was it because I had done it again? I am seeking an explanation and nobody has an answer , this is so frustrating, im glad I don’t have many friends for the mere fact that I would feel ashamed tellin them this….oh….it just clicked…maybe that is why… so wat the ******** did I get myself into this time? I kno I had some demons from the past that are dying to hunt me down but again my cusins tell me otherwise, that being that those demons are long gone now…how it happened? They refuse to tell me… so I don’t ask questions, if they don’t wanna tell me its probably best that I shouldn’t kno, for now. it urks me that I don’t kno s**t about myself, you would think that me out of all people would lose touch wit my own mind so far that I would cause myself to do such a thing… its ridiculous…but im learning to control my anger, and despair. So it doesn’t bother so much I just lay down and think some times, I wish things were different, I mean who doesn’t lol honestly everybody has something in their life that they don’t like and would change it if they had the chance ( I kno I kno cliché) well wat do I do? Where do I go from here, should I contact my friends ? right now I only trust the words of my family we all grew up together and I trust them to the fullest, they killed for me and I would do the same. Sometimes I wonder why I coulda had the same relationship with my own direct family…. Which reminds me I guess I haven’t talked to my brother in years… I tried to call him one night and I never got a call back….my myspace page is my only hint, things have changed tho, there are more people there that I would never think to affiliate myself with but it’s a reality, and there are people there missing that I remember whom I loved so much, love? Or loved? I guess I wouldn’t kno…I started working again I think I mentioned that and the people here missed me so I guess I was a good worker lol nothing hasn’t really changed since I got back just some new equipment and more things to move. So atleast that remained the same…so im guessing I didn’t affiliate my third life into this one… so my first life and my second is still a blur, a few years of vacant memory is not good at all, my first life I have my love who is still there with me , I love her so much I wish I was wit her already so we can start our lives a new , as well as my family which also hasn’t changed much, its just my second life that im afraid to touch…there are some missing links… I kno I am not ready to hear what I wanna hear but its killing me that I don’t kno… how did these demons get casted away, did I have an exorcism? Why am I missing the few friends that used to talk me all the time about nothing, did they see me do something? And now they don’t want nothingto do with me, I thought they were my family too… they knew about my past why don’t I have them on my myspace or on my friendlist on yahoo under family , did I really do something that bad…. It gives me a terrible migraine when I start to think of it, I have to nice little holes on my head now to thank for that, apparently I had pressure to relieve so they stuck a need in my forehead to relieve it…that’s ******** up…lol then I had to get surgery on my jaw, ouch, thank god I don’t remember that, phew! Wat ******** did I do rong to lose the few friends that I had? One of them I kno is working a lot now but even when he was working a lot he still had time to call me , now he doesn’t even answer my calls any more, he was home last night his sister told me herself, why didn’t he pick up? Hes the only one I would contact now basically for the simple fact that I knew him half of my life maybe he would kno something about wat happened to me…. The other one I never told her anything about my past so I don’t wnna contact her and have to explain to her wat happened….i kno its for the best…either way we barely talk when I call her sometimes I don’t hear from her from months so I guess she can wait, shes a great friend too but shes all lovey dubby wit her boyfriend so I don’t bother her, I always had a feeling that her bf doesn’t like me at all even I love him like my own brother, I respect both of them and I even helped him through rough times they are cool people I hope they live long together happily…as for my other friend he needs to shape up I kno he still haven’t found anybody yet lol its been so long since he had a girlfriend and it seems like he just gave up , all he does is work play video games and hang out which is not a bad life style but personally I like to have company , right now I have to deal with out it because the love of my life is so far away but soon we will be together…well I can go on and on and on bout what im thinking but for now im feeling a bit better that I vented on here, I mean im pretty sure nobody is gonna read it but ******** it lol if anybody as any suggestions for me please let me kno I will welcome any help what so ever….take care
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