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idk
thx for everything for being my friend and a great one at that. i truly am sorry for everything from not doing things right to ******** everything up. i wish i could change things lmao dont we all. i am sorry for being who i am, but know that i have no remorse. my path is that of a warrior, i can not change that, i create war for progress of life, this is my own progress. i can only learn more from my own mistakes. and this was my biggest. idk if u will ever read this but if you do thx for spending the time to read it. i regret everything because now i dont have anything to help me save myself. my family grows apart each day they arent any help my friends dont care about me im only a punching bag to them, my warriors see me as a leader and this is the only way i feel comfortable now. i havent turned a cold heart completely i still leave the chest that held my warm half locked away back in to the abyss that is pandoras box. i should have left it there never to be opened. i didnt mean to make things worse i hope you can understand that, what i wanted to actually tell you in person was simply that i still cant stop thinkin about you and its not about being together, just how much of a great influence u were in my life and i still cant let it go. i never had to see u face to face i just need to kno u were still there. i had to see u this time cuz like i told u a million times i just had to kno ... otherwise my death would have been empty...i guess i can still justify my death now...i found my answer...but my path doesnt lead that way i am allaguna the intrepid warrior i start the war and never finish until i feel need the rest. i am the only obatala who is able to carry a sword and i wipe my enemie's blood clean on my white cloth...a little bit of yoruba for you. this is why i have to commit myself to servitude... i am invincible and i faced death numerous times... and i still dont want to rest.... theres no need for rest i am not happy yet...i am not at peace... my soul will continue to feel anger and hatred until i say so... and the only way that will change is if i finally find my true love and i know i will...i am trying and she said she does but we been through so much that i cant trust wat she says to me but i said ******** it i dont care i rather have bs love than none at all....tainted love... this isnt poetry this is life.... and now i have to deal wit it... how am i gonna do it with out you i have no ******** clue. im getting out in november...maybe that will give me time to think. i already hear people want me dead where im going . but that doesnt scare me... the second thing i regret is watching u cry and the last memory u will have of me is me wit a cigarrette in my hand wearing some shitty a** clothes lmao... you hair look nice by the way i love the color. i want to write continously bout how sorry i am but i dont think its gonna change anything. ur not a nobody u helped me alot u actually having feelings for me is just a bonus ... to be honest with u dont take this negatively...well u never do anyhow... but i dont even care that u ever liked me in that way...honestly i can get over the fact that we had a chance i dont care about that at all i was happy just being your friends... you probably wouldnt believe me but i can barely see wat im typing because of all the tears in my eyes while i type this...i completely understand your decision and his and it is completely fine wit him...the third regret i had is that i dont have anything of you.... nothing at all... just that shirt you gave me as a gift but i dont kno if he bought and you chose it or wat but i dont count it because like i said if it involves him in anyway i dont want it...i mean the box did say from u n him n the kid... and even if i did had something of yours i dont think it would be enough anyway...i just wish we can meet again in the future and go back to the way things were....i will honestly consider changin my life... i was talkin out of my a** that day...but for now i do owe my guys my life i really do i mean i did the deed but with out them i would have been watching you right now just hovering around seeing if u can notice me ...actually that doesnt sound like a bad idea...but then again wats the point if u are going to forget me anyway...god works in mysterious ways... u ever notice how the needle goes faster after half tank... i never remember the ******** exit... n that day it just so happend it was the right one...wtf...so i said maybe hes telling me to go see her...n so i did... only to make it worse... i knew my decision to remain a warrior was already chosen when i realized that things couldnt change now that i do have to cut all ties...i have nothing else but to finish my war... god is tellin me to finish wat i started and fix all loose ends... there are things that i still havent told u...i gotta finish my list off.... starting with the top. so im starting where it all started for me...the one who raped me... and go from there... im not gonna lie it wont bother me at all...i have 4 lives already.... a few more wont hurt... but it will have to be done a different way...i vowed not kill again... i will ruin their lives though that i can promise you... i will take care of myself because like i said i am not done yet... if you and him together could ever give me a second chance like god has given me several, i will gladly accept it ... and things will be different i promise no bs... i just need a year...when the sun rises after the stormy night a flower will bloom, and u will know thats my spirit calling out to u ... you are honestly the best friend i ever had ... i should have respected the boundaries ... whether if i was gonna die or ******** could have been celebrating my life by now before i go in... but then again maybe i woulda just hid it from u like every year and just run for a living like i always did wit this issue...but regardless now its over...its my turn... and i guess god is telling me that if i am going to finish it i cant bring anyone else wit me. he needs to ******** realize wat wonderful ******** treasure he has and stop treating u like s**t i dont care if he dont trust u that shoudnt be his ******** excuse to treat u like s**t, he destroyed my life by giving u up, but i kno its for u and him to be happy so im allowing it...if he doesnt trust u then why the ******** is he still wit u... if he still doesnt trust u and he has reason not to then he should have ended it years ago...he needs to take care of you like he supposed to...i am the intrepid warrior allaguna i start the war and i dont finish it till i need rest.... i havent slept in 5 days....my war isnt over....im not giving up on life...although suicide seems very friendly right now...the funy thing is if you dont read this im pretty much talkin to myself.... well heres hoping you get to read this...i dont love you anymore if thats wat u worried about...im just upset because i lost a part of my heart that helped me live for 7 yrs well when i get out in november it would be 8 yrs...amazing....i loved you...i dont love you....i loved...the idea of you because you are honestly one in a million but i dont think i ever loved you.... i loved you....i still love you.......just the memory of you as the only person i told everything to and believed me, i think she thinks that i made all this bs up lol thats why she never took me seriously and treated me like s**t cuz i was a loser but i dont care i rather her not kno anyways ... i dont like people lookin at me terrified makes me feel like a devil... i only want my enemies to notive my devilish eyes....i was cold hearted when i left you on purpose i rather u be mad at me than feel sorry that we never even kissed....that day i was still a killer....i was smokin on purpose...u dont wanna taste an ash tray anyway... eww its gross....i wanted u to hate me so it wouldnt be so easy for you to let me go ....i kno its ******** up but i ******** up bad enough already so wats another hit...dont worry my icey heart is only temporary...till i get the warmth...the red glow...my rose....my red apple...back into my life....if you can send me a message... some how...hopefully u remembered my address in anyway shape or form.... my number will remain the same... and so will my email address even this little disco avatar..... my flag will be black for now...if i ever hear from u it will be white again...i just want my friend back and thats it no more fantasies ... i realize we can never be together its obvious lol i mean if god stopped it and 9 mos didnt happen then i would have thought that i might have a chance but i doubt it u will have a fruitful life and a happy family with him i just hope he can treat you like a queen...and i hope someday i can be a part of the child's life as well.... like i said i dont love you any more....and knowing you ...you kno what i mean... you always get what i mean even tho it sounds ******** up lol i dont understand it but im glad that u do...i kno im over u...im not ready to give my life for you at all.... i have to go back and patch up this hole the right way ... and write the final chapters of ox.... please send me something please....anything i dont care if its a hate letter .... something... anything..... ill be waiting .......********.........
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