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i have always been an open person... in more ways than one. i am open to new idias... and i am open to just... everything... especialy when it comes to sex. i love girls and i love boys on an equal level. but i dont see people the same as every one else does.... i guess. people see whats on the out side... and thats hard for me to deal with. now a days we can change a boy to a girl, and back again... or pretty much any sex change u want (human). and i dont see an issue with people getting a new body. but paul and i dont see things the same way. he is straight, and he is atrracted to females... and thinks that being with a guy is something that will never happen to him. but i dont always think of myself as a girl... actualy... i dont think of myself as a girl very much. im not the 1st one to say this... but i am like a guy in a chicks body. i relate more to boys... girls make me nervous.... i really am just like a boy. but i have boobs and i have a v****a... and all that girl stuff... but like paul said "bi people are both genders" i was thinking maybe.... since sex changes are kinda a common thing now... that i could have that done. but he said that he wouldnt be able to be with me if i was male. he said that we would just have to be friends.... and i dont understand that. he is always telling me that he is in love with me. but the word "me" is more than just this body. "sarah patterson" isnt this body... sarah patterson isnt anything u can touch.... u cant hold sarah patterson.... u can hold her body. u cant look 2 her though. u can never really see me for who i am. that isnt possible. sarah patterson is a sprit in a way.... do u understand? here.... let me go into it a little more. if some one cut off ur arm? did they cut you off? no... the cut off a limb that helped u access material things... im sure if i asked u where are u... u would point to where u are. but is that u? no... thats ur body... then where is you? ur pointing to ur head now? r u talking about ur brain? that is you? so if i took out ur brain... and i put it on a plate... i could bring it to some one and tell them that is you? no... its not you.... its your brain... but its not you. you are thoughts. and u are things that cant be held. cant be captured. u are like a spirit in a way. do u understand? well.. thats how i see all of us. and the body is only something to hold and improve the spirit of us. but people see the body as a person. and thats is hard for me to understand.. cuz i dont see people like that.... but i guess paul does. paul doesnt see the spirit of me. and i guess no one really does. cuz people are drawn to what they see. "love @ first sight" and all of that. but thats y it takes me a while to be with some one. i cant jump into a relationship. i cant jump into friendships (wich makes making friends hard) u have to get to know their spirit... and no one does. well... im sure some people do. i believe bi people do. and im not talking about the people that say they are bi so they can get sex... u know.... those people that act like sex is a copitition, and the one that gets the most wins. im talking about people that are really into what ever person they happen to fall in love with... regardless of the gender. all of this makes me question if paul really loves me. he said that if we were married he would devorce me if i became a man. that he couldnt do that. so is he in love with my spirit? or is he inlove with my body.. the things that he sees? i love him no matter what he loves me for... cuz my spirit found something special in him. though my heart part... is sad that he doesnt really love my spirit back. to me... i would be able to be with him no matter what gender he was. and no matter what he looks like. i also dont understand shallow people. they confuse me.... y are u so intrested in looks? the are only like that for so long... and then things change. thats just what happens. are u going to leave them when they get wrinkily? or when they arent wearing make up? cuz thats not love. thats lust. and thats disgusting. i guess what im talking about are morals. and i am seeing that i havent thought much about the ones i have. and im kinda starting to rethink paul. if being with him wil really work out. cuz when u are going to be with some one forever. thats becuase ur spirits are together... and like i said... is his really with mine? if i had no gender. and i had no look. i looked like nothing. but i still thought, and spoke. but with no sound... u just know when someone is talking... but u dont hear them. would he still be in love with me? if i was this universe thing... and we all were... we werent physical... we werent really there... but our spirits were... and they were mingeling... would his choose mine? mine would choose him. im sure of it. as long as they came in contact with eachother.... mine would be with his always. i am in love with .... well... paul is the name for the spirit i am in love with, though... spirits dont have names... the dont have i.d.s... they arent judged. they just are. ur "soul" i guess is what i mean by spirit. do u understand? i think i do. finaly.