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OK.... SO MARK DECIDED AGAIN TO NOT TALK TO ME. I LET HIM READ THE JOURNAL ABOUT HIM.... U KNOW... THE ONE BEFORE THIS ONE. HE GOT ALL OFFENDED.... BUT THATS HOW I FEEL EVERY TIME HE TALKS TO ME. AND @ LEAST HE REALLY KNOWS NOW... NO MORE PRETENDING TO LIKE TALKING TO HIM. AND NO MORE FIGHTING WITH HIM.... JUST NO HIM ANY MORE... SOON I WILL DELETE EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIM. AND I WOULD WHITE OUT HIS NAME IN MY JOURNALS... BUT I DONT WANT TO LOOSE ANY MEMORIES... EVEN THE ONES I WANTS FOND OF. HE HAS BEEN TALKING TO ME BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT HE CAN WIN ME BACK OR SOMETHING. THAT CAN NEVER HAPPEN. HE ISNT SOME ONE I WANT. EVER. I WONT WANT HIM. AND I KNOW HE WANTS ME BUT U DONT ALWAYS GET WHAT U WANT. YEA... I WENT OUT WITH HIM... BUT THAT WAS NOTHING. THERE WAS NOTHING THERE FOR ME BUT A CHEEP THRILL.... THAT WAS SHALLOW BUT TRUE. IF I KNEW HE WAS LIKE THIS.... I WOULDNT HAVE EVEN GONE THERE. IM WITH PAUL. AND THATS NOT GUNNA CHANGE ANY TIME SOON. AND IF IT DOES.... IM DONE WITH BOYS. I DONT WANT ANY p***s ANYMORE...THATS OVER. BOYS HAVE NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THEM. WELL... NOTHING I COULDNT FIND IN SOME CHICK. WELL... I TAKE THAT BACK. PAUL HAS SHOWN ME THAT BOYS CAN BE AMAZING... LIKE CUDDELING... AND CAREING. I HAVE NEVER MET ANY CHICK THAT IS AS.... BOYFRIENDISH AS PAUL. PAUL ROCKS. HES THERE TO CUDDLE... AND HE DOES IT SO WELL.... HES JUST... PERFECT. BUT MARK. UR NOT. AND ALL THAT CANGE UR DOING..... OR TRYING TO DO... I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO THAT. IF U WANT TO CHANGE THE BOYT THAT UR WITH... HE ISNT THE BOY FOR U. THE ONE U WANT WILL COME JUST THE WAY U WANT HIM. THERE IS SOME ONE FOR EVERY ONE... AND IM NOT FOR YOU. U CAN LIE TO URSELF AND SAY THAT I AM... BUT IM NOT. AND I NEVER WILL BE. AS I TOLD U... THIS ISNT FOREST GUMP.... AND THIS JUST ISNT A MOVIE. IM NOT GOING TO HAVE A HARDSHIP AND COME TO YOU @ NIGHT ASKING TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN... AND HAVE SEX IN UR BED. AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. I AM SURE OF THAT. U MAKE ME SO MAD. AND I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO TRUELY HATE SOME ONE. AND LET ME TELL YOU... ITS HARD. U HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THEM A LOT... AND U HAVE TO DEDICATE A LOT OF TIME AND EMOTION TO THEM. SO CONGRATS MARK... UR THE 1ST PERSON I HAVE EVER HONESTLY HATED. I THINK HATEING IS A LOT HARDER THAN LOVEING. I AM IN LOVE WITH PAUL.. AND THAT TAKES NO EFFORT... THE LOVE DOES IT ALL... BUT HATE DOESNT... U CREATE HATE. AND SOME HOW... U HAVE BROKEN THROUGH... AND U HAVE BROKEN ME DOWN. I HAVE BEEN TRYING THIS THING... WHERE IM EXCEPTIONALY NICE TO PEOPLE... AND IM DOING GREAT... I LOVE THE WORLD!!!! AND THEN MARK TEXTS ME. AND ALL THE DAYS LOVE TURNS TO ASH IN ONE SECOND. I CANT BLOCK YOU... OR ELSE I WOULD HAVE. I PROMISE. U DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE... THAT WAS UR LAST STRIKE. UR OUT b***h. U HAD UR CHANCES. I GUESS I WAS KINDA BEING NICE... BY GIVING U ANOTHER CHANCE... BUT I KNEW U WOULD WRECK IT. UR GOOD @ THAT. AND THERE IT WENT. BOO HOO. OH. AND IF I TEXT UR FRIEND... THAT DOESNT MEAN THAT I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU... @ ALL!!!!!!!! U DONT RESPECT ME... AND U NEVER WILL. U SAY THAT U DO. BUT U DONT. U NEED A SHRINK. U NEED A LIFE. AND UR OUT OF MINE NOW RIGHT? DONT COME BACK UNLESS YOU REALLY ARE SOME ONE ELSE.... BUT U CANT CHANGE INTO SOME ONE SO DIFFERENT THAT I WILL STOP HATEING YOU. I PROMISE YOU THAT. U CANT. SOME PEOPLE CAN CHANGE A HELL OF A LOT. BUT UR NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. AND YEA... IM PUTTING U ON BLAST CUZ THIS IS SO IRRITATING TO ME. U COME IN AND OUT OF MY LIFE. SOME TIMES U ARE TOLERABLE... AND THEN THERE IS ALL THE REST OF THE TIME. I HAVE NEVER HAD A PROBLEM LIKE THIS WITH ANY ONE ELSE IN MY LIFE. AND THEN U SHOW UP... AND ITS AN EVERY DAY THING. U MAKE ME SO MAD... AND I DONT EVEN KNOW Y... IT TAKES SOME ONE SPECIAL TO DO THAT. U JUST HAVE A KNACK FOR IT. I DOT WANT TO BE MEAN... NOT BECAUSE ITS YOU... JUST CUZ I DONT WANT TO... THATS NOT REALLY MY THING. I LOVE BEING NICE. I LOVE FEELING LOVED. BUT I CAN NEVER FEEL THAT WITH YOU.... I DONT FEEL ANYTHING FROM YOU... ALL YOU DO IS TAKE EMOTION.... U DONT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ANYTHING GOOD. WHENS THE LAST TIME U GAVE A GIFT TO SOME ONE THATS NOT IN UR FAMILY? AND NOT A CLOSE FRIEND? WHENS THE LAST TIME U SHARED FOOD WITH SOME ONE THAT U DONT KNOW VERY WELL. OR GAVE MONEY TO SOME ONE THAT WASNT ASKING FOR IT BUT NEEDED IT. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME U DID SOMETHING FOR SOME ONE OTHER THAN UR SLEF.... HAVE U EVER BOUGHT A FRIEND FOOD AND NOT GOT ANYTHING URSLEF CUZ U KNOW U CAN W8 TILL U GET HOME TO EAT? HAVE U EVER SPENT THE DAY HELPING PEOPLE OUT THAT U DONT KNOW. DO U EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A PERSON MARK? HOW TO CARE ABOUT SOME ONE OTHER THAN THE PEOPLE DIRECTLY IN UR LIFE? I THINK THAT WOULD DO U SOME GOOD. GET AWAY FROM THE SMALL GROUP U HANG OUT WITH. STOP BEING SO "SHY"... ITS NOT SHY.... @ ALL... ITS THAT U DONT KNOW HOW TO COOP WITH PEOPLE OUT IN THE WORLD. THATS THE REAL PROBLEM. AND I GUESS THATS THE PROBLEM I HAVE WITH YOU. IM SOME ONE IN THE REAL WORLD. I HAVE FUN WITH PEOPLE I DONT KNOW. AND I MAKE FRIENDS EVERY WHERE I GO. I MAKE FRIENDS @ THE STORE WHEN I GO TO GET SOME MILK. BUT YOU...... YOU DONT. I HAVE THIS SMALL AMOUNT OF FRIENDS. AND U NEVER MINGLE. EVER. U NEVER KNOW HOW TO BREAK OUT OF THIS SAFE PLACE U HAVE ALL BUILT. U DONT KNOW HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE. THATS PROBABLY Y I THINK U CAN NEVER OVER COME WHO U ARE. U ARE AFRAID. U ARE AFRAID OF JUDGMENT... U ARE SCARED TO BE SHOT DOWN... U ARE JUST.... AQWARD. UR STILL THAT LITTLE KID IN DAY CARE THAT CAN ONLY TELL U HOW OLD HE IS BY RAISING UP THAT NUMBER OF FINGERS. AND THEN U GO RUN OFF SOME WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND YOU... OH. KINDA LIKE WHAT U DID @ THANKSGIVING.... SO THERES UR EVADENCE..... ANY OTHER QUESTIONS... CALL ME... BUT HAVE A LIST OF WHAT U WANT TO SAY... AND LEAVE OUT ALL THE "UMMMM"S AND ALL THE BLANK SPACE WHERE THERE COULD BE WORDS...... IM STRONG. IF U WANT TO PLAY WITH THE BIG KIDS.... U NEED TO LEARN TO KEEP UP SQUIRT.