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Right now, I don't care about anything. I don't care if she's lying, or if everyone else is, I just miss her. I don't care if she's not the person I fell in love with anymore, I still loved her when she started coming out, and I love her now after every such alleged story I've been told. I'm sure I'd even love her when it came out that she never loved me back. I'm willing to love her for who she truly is as opposed to who she wants to be, and I feel like I don't care about what the truth ends up being. Am I wrong?

And it's because of that that I feel horrible for betraying her, accident or not, she had my word and that should have been enough until the ends of the earth. Even if she's the worst person, which I don't believe, I'm still sorry. And even if she were the worst person, I'd still have love for her and a need to help her through. It just doesn't matter if she wronged me, I never wanted to wrong her back. I'm not the kind of person to take revenge or grow animosity for someone, and every ounce of guilt just never leaves my body when someone gets hurt by my doing, so I couldn't wrong her even if I wanted to. I wouldn't be able to live with myself, just like I'm struggling to live with myself now that I had allegedly ruined her life.

I haven't been able to concentrate or sleep much since she stopped speaking to me. Everyone claims that I'm better off like this, but I really don't see it. I always wait up at night expecting her to say goodnight, even though she hasn't said such a thing in months, and I wait for her to wake me up in the middle of the night expecting attention from me. I always took such things for granted, and I miss those minor inconveniences that she put on me all the time so that she could have someone, or even a play thing if that bit was true, to be there to listen to her and entertain when she was bored. I'm a very lonely person these days, and my body seems to reflect my mood perfectly. The only good thing is that I'm able to get food when I'm hungry now, so I don't have to starve when I'm short on money. In fact, I'd wager that I'm eating better than I had in a very long time, though much of that is forced. I can't eat when I'm depressed like this, so it's hard to keep weight on; already, I don't have a single pair of pants that fit. -_- I half expect her to jump out and make fun of my figure by calling me a stick. I feel like things are just becoming worse and worse.

I'll be dropping my classes soon, because I have no other option at this point. I feel like a complete failure, because I've let everyone down--not just her. Roy has been saying for weeks that I deserve a beating the next time I show up to the dojo, and I'm not avoiding that, I just can't focus and find my passion to get off of the floor long enough to pull my uniform on and do what I need to. Sometimes I wish I'd never met Jacie so that I wouldn't have fallen out from my other love karate; the one that will never leave, hurt me, or stop loving me. But I've got to reconcile things with my body and soul before I can go on with my dream again, because I feel parts of me have been shattered now. I'm so broke now, I don't even know how I'll pay for my next semester in order to graduate anymore... I'm not even hearing back from any of the places I'm applying to either, and that makes my wallet hurt even more. I'll probably have to go back to doing dirty jobs to get by. I know I'm not above it, and I was never squeamish, but I don't even think I'd find one of those at this point. If I could have just one thing go my way, I can use that small victory.

I'm back, as one might have noticed, on my old binges again. I put on old Cure albums, and I watch sad music videos on youtube, and I clutch the nearest person and force them to watch cartoons with me... The worst part is that I can't seem to find a single one of my friends. I wonder where they've all gone. Joe probably got tired of calling a phone that never got picked up, and everyone else is likely sick of me because I'm never as good as they hoped I was. I have the sickening urge to hug and hold the first person I can too, but there isn't a single person around for that. I'm pretty miserable. Hell, the other day I was about four inches from hanging myself... -_- I have high hopes that I'm really not that kind of person, but I'll tell you that the option sounded pretty good for a moment there. I wish I knew how long I'll be paying for this sin, and I'm hoping I don't have to pay for years like I had in the past. Granted, this pales in comparison, but it also feels like these things feel worse each time.

My anxiety levels really suck right now. My chest constantly feels like I'm having a heart attack, even though I'm pretty sure I'm not. I even almost when into an episode when someone dinged something made out of glass the other day. It didn't even come close to shattering, and I had already collapsed. What's wrong with me? I need to be calmed down. I wish someone would help me with that.