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I have so many thoughts on this subject buzzing around in my head. It's hard for me to organize them. Hopefully I can write about this somewhat intelligently, but it might turn out as a rant-like jumble.

I'm just so disillusioned with the human race. I don't think it's something that happened overnight. It's the building up of events over time that had lead to my current, I guess, disdain. People are always just doing stupid and selfish things, and things I don't understand.

This leads me to another point. I learn more and more that the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. People are just always doing things that dissapoint me. But, I guess sometimes I'm not much better. I dissapoint myself sometimes, and I'm sure I've accidentally dissapointed others. What's happened to all of the loyalty? I've yet to find someone who is as loyal a person as I consider myself to be. I deeply want someone to be so close with, who would devote everything to me and be so loyal they would always think of me first. Well, in certain cases, at least second, after the themselves. Another reason why I doubt I'll ever get married. I don't think that person is humaly possible. Or, if for a moment I think they are, they will dissapoint me down the road, furthering my disillusionment. My best friend, the one person I really like and try to be as loyal as friends can be to, dissapionted me the other day. I went away for a week, and the 3rd day I'm gone she has a party. The next time we talk, she tells me all about "how fun it was and how I should have been there." Umm, wtf!? If you would have waited for one more week, I would have ******** been there! The thing is, we had been trying for a while to schedual a party where most of the people could actually make it. I'm probably the easiest person of the bunch to be able to actaully come, so what does she do? She has the freakin party the one week I'm gone. It pisses me off because it goes back to the loyalty thing. If I was hosting the party and she was gone, I wouldn't have had it that week to take my best friend into consideration! She was just talking a few weeks ago about how not any other of her friends, besides me, remembered her birthday. Shouldn't that at least get me brownie points of some sorts!? But, she leaves me out anyways. This is also the same chick who told her sister about the guy I like, as wrote about in an earlier entry. So, this isn't the first dissapointment or loyalty issue.

Then, a few days after this happened, we went to another girl's going away party.
She had her camera with her, and preceded to show me all of the "fun time" pictures she took at her party. Yeah, it did look fun. But, she left me out so why the ******** would I want to see her pictures!? Then she tells about how she was thinking about moving a few states away to live with her dad just so she wouldn't have to deal with her sister getting in her room. A) Her sister has been graduated for a few years, so she should be moving out soon anyways. B) She only has a couple years left of school, so she could move out then. C) Why would she want to totally dissrupt her life and move over something that could easily be taken care of. When she moved here in the 4th grade, she told me about how she had a hard time adjusting and meeting people. She even had truent officers after her because she stayed home from school so much. Why would she even think about putting herself through that again? She has a lock on her bedroom door to keep her sister out, why doesn't she use it!? Seriously. stare I just don't understand her decisions sometimes. Plus, she would leave me without a best friend. Wouldn't she think about those she would leave behind, like myself, the rest of her friends, and her mom? I'm sure her mom would be devastated if she were to move.

Hell, maybe I'm the one whose got it all wrong. Maybe I set my bar to high and expect to much from people I'm close to. Maybe I'm just setting myself up for dissapointment by having expectations. I guess I can't help it though, it's just the way I feel. I have yet to find someone who doesn't fail miserably.