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i feel like crap ... total and complete hell ... and i don't know what to do about it.

i'm in one of my moods right now, i guess i must be experiencing a minor depressive episode or general overload on my emotions and stress levels or something.

for those of you who don't know, i'll give a little detail here. these moods aren't simply an over all crap feeling. they start with stress and usually a short temper or anger or sorrow. if this feeling continues without relief i start to sorta shut down. i remove myself mentally and emotionally from the world. it's strange, sorta like being a zombie or something i guess. i mean, i'm here, i can see and hear and feel and all that. i'm aware of what's going on around me i just ... lack the ability to care or really take in the information.

for example, casey was trying to explain to me how shitty she feels and how stressed she's been earlier tonight. i had already been stressed to the point that i had started shutting down, and while i knew that i cared and that i wanted to listen and to help, i was so overwhelmed by the topic, and so removed already that i was unable to do much more then sit there and sketch.

to the outside eye it would have looked like i was pretty much ignoring her completely except to encourage her to keep going every now and then or make some random comment.

and speaking of random comments ... that's another thing that comes out of this state, i always say something very ... well very removed and sort of volcan like or something. seriously though, i make weird observations that often come off as completely inappropriate or, as it did tonight, cold and judging.

my comment was about how different people have different ways of coping with life, and then i went on to observe that if one stopped placing value in something they perceived as important and an issue in their lives (lacking whatever) that it would cease to be an issue.

casey took this as my saying that she should just get over her issue and focus on something new to help her forget about the thing she's upset over. (i won't even drag you into that, it's such a long story.)

that's not what i meant by it of course. i didn't mean anything by it at all. you see what i mean, it was random and sort of cold sounding, but all i was doing was making an observation. i don't know why i do that, and i wish i didn't (or at least that i wouldn't do it out loud), i just do. i guess it's part of that distancing myself thing.

like somehow if i just think in terms of removed observations and don't attach myself to any particular feelings one way or another, then i'll be safe from any harm.

i guess it's true to an extent. while it hurt casey's feelings the entire night hasn't left much of an emotional impact on me.

i mean, as i'm starting to come out of this mood, i'm feeling really bad for what happened and really horrible that i couldn't be there for casey, but, at the same time, i know that if i hadn't reached that removed state there were several things she said and several more that i would have said which would have hurt us both a lot more.

so i guess it was sort of a lesser of the two evils .... i don't know .... all i can really say for sure is that this state takes over sometimes and i have yet to learn anyway of bring myself out of it save time and maybe a little venting (like i'm doing now) to encourage myself back out of this emotional shell or whatever it is.

the other thing with this mood is that i sort of loose control of my body. only partially ... well sometimes a lot, but if i really will myself then i can snap out of that for moments at a time. mostly this just means i sit and stare. sometimes i'll do something, some small, and usually strange, activity over and over again. like rubbing my finger or tracing circles on the wall. something totally out of place. occasionally it'll be something that makes a little more sense, like rocking myself back and forth or drawing, but whatever the activity the point is that i loose myself in it. same thing with the staring, i loose myself in the staring. sometimes i obsess over what i'm looking at, sometimes i'm not really looking at anything at all. i never really think much, and the thoughts are always strange and often repeated.

tonight i was staring for probably around half an hour at the blinking light of someone's car alarm across the street. only a handful of thoughts went by, mostly i was just watching. it's really strange to be in the state, because you're always thinking about something it seems like, even when your watching something. the only other time i've ever noticed really loosing myself into what i was staring at was watching tv, and even then you think about things, like the jokes or plot or the characters, whatever. it's just that you do experience moments of blank mindedness while watching tv. sorry, i guess that's the best i can explain it.

...

i really wish casey were awake still. i meant to go in after her, but i just couldn't will myself to stand and follow. then the thought randomly occurred to me that i should wait until 1am (she went back to the bedroom at about 12:30), because by then she would have probably fallen into a light sleep and when i came in she'd wake up only for a moment and we'd probably be able to just apologize sleepily and then snuggle and fall asleep.

it's gone down that way before, and it's typically a better alternative then going straight in and continuing a fight, or going in after she's been long asleep and then having to sit there feeling crappy.

*sigh* unfortunately, she either fell asleep deep enough to not wake up, or else was still upset and faked it. either way, that leaves me feeling crappy and incomplete about the whole night. plus, i was still in my removed state.

so, i guess that's why i finally gave up sitting in there (on the end of the bed in the dark) staring out at that stupid flashing light and came out here to get online.

i also sorta figured a little journaling would do me good.

and i was debating just staying up all night. i don't know now though, because i'm feeling a little better. i mean, i still feel shitty about the thing between casey and i, and i'm incomplete about it, because i can't apologize and fall asleep with her, but ... i'm not in that weird state so much anymore. i feel slightly numbed/removed still, but i can control my motions well and i'm not zoning out or anything, so i think the worst of it has passed.

*yawn* also i'm feeling sleepy now, whereas before i couldn't tell if i was tired or not really, because i was too removed and upset to work that one out.

...

i feel crappy going to bed though ... but i want to now. ... i'd sleep on the couch or something, but i'm afraid that'd hurt her feelings more and then we'd be back into it in the morning and screw that!

*sigh* i don't know ....

i'd wake her up, but she's really tired and has to work early and long tomorrow, so that wouldn't be very nice of me. especially since it's kinda for a selfish reason. i mean, i want her to feel better by knowing what i meant to say and do and all and reasurring her that yes i do care and want to help, but ... really ... honestly, she wouldn't be asleep right now if she was massively troubled by it, and my main motivator would be because i don't want to go to sleep unforgiven and incomplete.

...

it's just after 2... i guess i really should go back in there and at least try to sleep....

...

...

...

okay, i guess i will. maybe i'll get lucky and she'll have been faking it and want to talk to me now, but i rather doubt it now that it's been so long.

either way, i'm tired and i really shouldn't deprive my body like this. i've been really hard on it lately, so i better just suck it up and go in there.

...

well, here goes.

good night. i hope.