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I'm aware that I made claims to hold off on writing more, but I'm apparently going to obey my urge to be a melancholy blatherskite...

The recent Community spotlight bugged me. I'm aware this is due in entirety to the fact that I'm bitter at the loss of my beloved. Never the less, sappy internet love tales always bode poorly on my ears because I've had the misfortune of feeling the harshness of said amorous correspondence not once, but twice now. Truth be told I had learned the first time that it was unwise to take the risks involved, because mere words can't please anybody this day and age for any length of time. Both instances resulted in my having been cheated on for someone either more successful or at any rate flashier. True, girls tend to mistreat me as such often, because of my pure martial lifestyle, however that isn't the point. The point is that relationships based around the internet aren't designed to last in a world of "relationship ADD" and physical indulgence (neither of which I really understand). I just feel it wrong that Gaia should advertise such false hopes to young people--I was young once too, and crushed dreams suck the more they're fed.

As for myself returning to my joyful self, I can't say this will be any time soon. I've caught myself losing to emotion the past couple nights and doing my best to contact her despite what my experience tells me. I attribute these actions to the fact that I hadn't eaten at all in a very long time; I'd only remembered my having been starving when a dearest friend told me I looked dreadfully skinny, and thus ordered me to pick up a fork. I grow sick of food when I'm distressed I'm afraid. The last girl that hurt me even a fraction of what I'm feeling caused me to fast for a couple weeks and nearly led to my demise as well as several injuries in th dojo. Sleep is harsh too, I remember the bad dreams these situations cause me, and I can't say they've gotten the least bit easier to handle as the years go by. I'm quite sure I don't want to try dating again.

The last relationship that ended sourly left me in a wake of depression that completely defeated any interest I had in girls, or even people in general. It took two years to even look at another girl, and it took even longer to admit the fact that I was lonely. It took an accident to fall in love again, and I'm confused about whether I regret that or not. I definitely don't regret her, or what we were, but knowing what I couldn't give her in the relationship makes regret keeping it from her. I certainly wouldn't have sheltered her from happiness if my finances had allowed me to care for her. I'm definitely in bad shape, I just don't know how many years I'm going to spend training in a cave until I realize that I can't stand living that way again.