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my brother is such a pain in the a**, but at the same time he's almost laughable.

see, he's my younger brother (by 1yr and 8mo, to the day) and while i went off to college he joined the navy. right now he's in chicago, il (i'm in spokane, wa and home is in tonasket, wa) finishing up he's training. after that there's no telling where he'll be headed o.o but he's going to try and get back to the west coast or the state of WA.

we were always really close growing up. or, at least, as close as we could be given the fact that my family (my mom's side, which we grew up around) doesn't express emotion, doesn't hug, and doesn't do anything for anyone else unless it also benefits them (or at least doesn't hurt). we actually, occasionally, helped each other out just to be there for one another, so i'd say that's pretty incredible. also, we always hung out, by choice, and even shared friends.

the difference between us is that he's an introvert and i'm an extrovert. in other words he's more focused on himself and what he's feeling, needing, etc. and less sociable then me, who tends to forget i even exist and neglect myself for the benefit of other's far too often.

even though he's younger then me, we sort of traded off on the role of elder sibling. for the most part it worked great. we were total opposites in skills, so whoever had the better skills for a particular situation would take the lead. it was a good system, for the most part.

however; there's always been this competitive streak between us. mostly it's him wanting to better me, and while i wouldn't normally care that much, i have too much pride to let him get away with anything, so of course once he hints at it i have to start in, and then it's all out war.

right now he's into comparing us in the real world. he's always kicked my but at school, so the only saving grace i had was that i was better at socializing and using common sense in the real world. now he's feeling like a hot shot, because he's got himself a stable future with the military.

i'm still in college for a couple years and he's about to complete he's training (in a matter of weeks). so he's feeling right smug about that, but as soon as he's got a victory under his belt he wants another one. so already he's trying to push for the next competition, which is career.

"what are you going to do after school?" "what's your major again" "LOL sounds like a poor man's dream to me" etc. etc.

we've been emailing back and forth the last couple days now, and all i'm getting from him is these type of comments.

now i know that i can't let him know that it bugs me, so i'm playing it cool, but the truth is it does bother me. i mean, other things bother me a lot more, but i am still struggling with my sensitive ego and need to always be right (esp against him).

so, my plan is to become a freelance writer. he thinks writing is a joke and doesn't "see how anyone could make money at writing." i've tried to explain to him that it's just like having a small business, only instead of selling something you write. you sell your ability with words. but he's too happy about how i must be about to fail at this to listen.

this last email i really laid it all out for him. i gave him a good three paragraphs of info on it, examples of types of a writing, a few examples of stuff i've already done and what i'm planning on this summer. then, right after i sent the email, i realized i might have proven that there was work out there, but i hadn't proven that there was money for it. so i sent him a quick ps. i did a word count of the previous email and explained to him that an average, starting, price was around $1 per word. the email was a little over 1000 words, so that'd be about $1000 which i wrote (albeit sloppily) in around an hour. i explained that if i had included research and editing time it would have been more like a day job probably and so about 6-10 hours worth of work, to get it up to professional grade. i broke down all the numbers for him, with scenarios out to a week long project of about 8 hours of work a day (7 days) and explained it all in terms of profit per hour.

i'm hoping this is enough to show him the job is a serious one and can be used to make money, but knowing him it won't be. all it will probably do is make him a little nervous about this latest battle and that'll put him in a more aggressive mood, which means his offense will increase.

i guess i'll stick with the defensive for now, but i'm not about to be drawn into a petty argument about who'll make more money, because, frankly, i could care less about the size of anyone's pay check.

i'm becoming a freelancer, because what i love to do is write, and i wanted a way to do that for a living so that i wouldn't have to waste my life away on a job i hate and never have time for my writing again.

the real bread winner will more then likely be my partner (soon to be legal btw), and i'm fine with that. i'd rather stay home with the kids and write in my home office all day then go to some dumb 9-5 job and bring home a bunch of money at the end of two weeks, only to never have enough time or energy to spend it anyway. screw that! i'm happy that casey doesn't mind such a job, and i'm even happier that she's supportive enough to let me freelance (even if i don't ever get rich at it).

the way i figure it, i'll be making about $50 an hour for a (typical/average) week long 2k word piece. this will have to stretch to cover non-writing hours (when i'm tending to the business side of things) so i'll pretty much break even with what i would be making at a conventional 9-5 job making $10-12 an hour. that's all i want! enough to live on without having to sacrifice my love for the written word.

why can't he be more like a normal supportive family member and just be happy for me. even my mother has seen fit to look past the unusual choice and take the job seriously. he's such a brat!

the truth is, i'm worried about making it myself. not as worried as i was when i first started looking into freelancing, but still worried. i know that failure could mean not only being forced into a job i really don't want and really won't like, but also serious shame and eternal regrets accompanied by what-if's.

at the same time though, i know i'm a good writer. i know i have the people skills, i've recently developed the math skills, and i trust Eastern (EWU) to teach me the business side of things. i know i can do this if i just put enough of my will into making it happen! like this summer, i will find time to freelance. i will find a paying gig before august and i will start incorporating my freelance life-style into my daily schedules after school starts again in the fall. i won't fail! i won't let myself fail!

and you know what really helps... my aunt (who's an editor and wanna be freelancer, and hard core down-to-earth professional type) commented me on my writing. she really believes that with a good editor (and i'm hoping she'll help me some with that lol) i could be amazing! she also has faith in freelance writing as a career. and she's not the only one who supports my decision, my aunt susie thinks it's a really cool idea. my dad wants to see me succeed, because he always wanted to write fiction for a living, and still tries from time to time. and my mom has come to see that this is a serious job market, and is really excited about my showing the world my skill with the written word. i think a lot of them feel like i'm living out a dream they never had the chance to live out themselves.

which means, i have to succeed, not only for myself but also for them. all our dreams are invested in my ability to make a living writing. i won't let them down!

and ultimately ... i guess i'll just have to show my brother. i'll prove my self by ignoring his laughter and criticism and remembering to take myself seriously. i will be a professional writer. i will make a living at it. he'll see! and if doesn't like that, he can just screw off, because i won't let him discourage me!

i have a dream (no MLKjr. reference intended) and i'm going after it, and damn the consequences!