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It's been a rough two weeks for me. Aside from finals, work, track, and volunteering for my organizations and clubs, a close person to me has passed away.

He was my Light, the person who inspired me to better myself. He was my boyfriend, the person whom I cherished dearly. While I know it's not my fault that he has passed on, I can't help but feel partially responsible for pushing him to the edge.

<span id="test20262951">. . .</span><br/><div id="post20262951" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;">

We had been dating for seven months. The day before he died was our seven month anniversary. The first few months were wonderful. He was my first real boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. But rather quickly did things become turbulent. One day we would be perfectly fine, talking and holding hands, the next he would avoid me. Yet, he would never tell me why. Finally, I forced him into telling me.

The first time it was about our relationship. About how we never "hung out" enough. I found this rather odd, since we had gone out the past two weeneds and had plans for the following week.

The second time he actually told me. I remember it well. It was exactly one week before he died. In class he had raised his voice to me, which was a first and it made me fustrated. When we were walking in the hall, he told me "Sorry if I seem mad today. Because I am." "About what?" "Our relationship. We'll talk about it when you get back from your trip."

My trip? I was to leave on Wednesday morning at 3am to Disney with my chorus group and we wouldn't return until Sunday afternoon. Five days. When I caught him at lunch, I tried to ask him what it was about. "Sometimes you act like a zombie."

What. The. Hell. I'm the lifeless one? I tried figuring it out with my friends afterwards, which resulted in a humorous "brains" rendition. But still not satisfied, I talked with him that afternoon until late that evening via phone. It seemed that things were okay and that he was going to call me on my trip.

Yet, amidst seeing Jason Earles (Jackson Stewart of Hannah Montanna) and sitting a mere six rows behind him on Expidition Everest, my boyfriend failed to call me even once. I was fustrated, but succeeded in hiding it until I eventually told my roommates about it. It resulted in my calling him and we talked for a brief time until he had to go. He sounded happy enough, he finally got his two-mile time down to 11:02 (his goal is eleven minutes).

The rest of the trip went well and I even made a few new friends from our other group. When I returned on Sunday, he was waiting at the airport with flowers. It made me happy and things seemed well enough.

Yet, I already had the notion to break up with him in my mind. I was still miffed about him never calling me while I was on the trip, considering that I was away for five whole days. I called him when he went to Forensics Districts and a one-night trip for Regionals. And still, I heard something rather interesting. My friend who is also on the team with him stated that while they were on the trip, he deleted his contact out of my phone. When she asked as to why, he stated "Just relieving some stress" and proceeded with a rant on breaking up with me. Of course he never told me about this and when I asked he stated "I was just stressed out and had to put your new information in anyway."

I talkeed it over with a friend and my mother, who both suggested that if it was becoming too difficult to manage, then I should break it off.

Our first day back from the trip, May 5 (our seventh anniversary), he was acting strange again. It made me mad and I told my mother that I was going to break it off with him the moment he gave me a reason to.

Opportunity presented itself the next day. Sitting next to each other in class, we were busy with taking notes for our upcoming exam. Due to missing so much of class, I was intent on catching up to do well. Thus, I wasn't as talkative as usual. When he finally spoke to me, he stated "You know. I'm going to be really busy Friday (his birthday), so we may not be able to do anything."

That ticked me off, seeing as I had already cancelled some important plans on Friday and had rescheduled them to completely fill up Saturday. "Why?"

"Well, my family wants to do stuff for my birthday."

"Fine." And the conversation ended with that. When the break point arrived, he asked if I wanted to go into the hall with him. I knew why, because it was the same method I used when I wanted to talk with him. Still annoyed about earlier, I stated "no" and he left by himself.

When he returned and class started, not even one minute in he stated "I think we should break up." He sounded on the verge of tears (I wasn't looking at him) and in my calm voice I replied "I think so as well, but I think we should wait until a more appropriate time to discuss this."

After class he ran out and I didn't see him for the rest of the day. When I went to track, he wasn't there and I knew why - he was avoiding me. It was all the same tactics. I left practice early to do some make-up work and after I got out of the shower my phone rang. I instantly recognized the ringer - him.

Me: Yes?
Him: We need to talk.
Me: *Annoyed* What more do you want me to say? You're the one who suggested we break up and I agreed.
Him: But I... I don't want it to end.
Me: Look, I can't deal with this any more. You're just too emotional for me. Right now I can't deal with a relationship like this, so I just want to be friends.
Him: So...it's over?
Me: ...Yes.

And it ended with that. I was on the phone with another friend of mine and talked with her for a bit to see if maybe I was too blunt with it. But I didn't want to prolong it. My phone call was interrupted with a call from him and eventually I answered it. He was on his way to my house. By foot.

I was ticked, as I was still in a towel and had to pull on some clothes real quick. When I ran downstairs he was in the driveway.

Him: I didn't want it to end with a phone call.
Me: Look, don't do this. It's over. You said it yourself and I agreed. What more do you want from me?
Him: I... I just wanted to explain.
Me: Then what's this about you wanting to go to the dance with someone else? (It was that Saturday and I was going to be working.)
Him: I was deciding whether to go with our friends or not at all. The only girl I would ever want to go with...is you. (He said my full name.)
Me: Stop it. Just... stop it. It's over. So quit making it harder.
Him: I'm sorry.

I drove him home and made him promise me not to do anything stupid (in my mind that meant running two miles to my house again). When I dropped him off, I told him I'd see him tomorrow in class and that maybe not now, maybe not in a few days or weeks, but when he was ready, I'd be willing to be his friend. He agreed. That was 4pm.

The next morning (Wednesday), he wasn't in class. My thoughts were that it was his way of avoiding me and nothing more. But the teachers were acting weird. Still, I thought it was in relevance to the upcoming exams. When I went to my next class (chorus), we went to the auditorium to rehearse for our performance the next day. I saw my guidance councilor walk in and he motioned for me to get my thing and come with him.

The whole time I thought it was that I was in trouble - but it wasn't an administrator, so I couldn't be. Was it about my classes? About Josh skipping? Did I say or do something stupid?

"Your parents are here, just to warn you." "Oh...okay."

I sat down next to my mother, both with a serious look on the faces. When my coucilor reached his seat and sat down, he looked dead at me and said the last words I had been expecting to hear. "We received news this morning that last night Josh killed himself."

And then everything stopped. I cried, my mother comforted me, and then they called my younger sister. I decided to tell her and she gave me a hug, in tears herself. They forced us to leave, so that we weren't there when they announced it to the school. At home my family did their best to make sure I was okay, the first time we were all together for a while. One of the girls from the other group that roomed with me at Disney texted asking about her dress and if I was going to bring it the next day. In the middle of talking with her about it, I received a text asking "Are you okay?" And that's when I knew it had been announced. I asked her to confirm it and she said she recognized the name when I had told her over the trip about him not calling me.

That day I resolved to go to the track meet, to compete in his honor. When there, the people I knew best came over and hugged me, telling me that it wasn't my fault (those who knew I broke up with him). I've heard that a lot "It's not your fault." But after that they made it so that I wasn't thinking about it, talking about nonsense occurences. And really, that's what I wanted. I couldn't dwell on it.

Maybe it's that I had already emotionally detached myself that I don't hurt as much. But this has affected me - I'm afraid to pursue a relationship so soon. For the longest time I couldn't be by myself (and wasn't). But most of all, I hate him for making me angry. For breaking his promises with me. For now, nearly two weeks later, I've seen a shrink and have been released as "sane" with "no intentions of harming herself or others".

And honestly, I won't end my own life. While I may not be religious, I have my reasons for living. For pushing through the hard times. My friends are here, my family is here, and most of all - I am here.

But I implore of you all one thing: In the near future, go to a friend and make with them a promise. That if you ever think of harming yourself, that you will tell them in person - not by a text message or phone call - and let them help you. Promise it. Because it may save your life.</div>

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