I haven't written for a while. i guess that's been because my life has been so very hetic right now. And unfortunately for me, I don't have very healthy ways of dealing with things.
At the very end of October, my grandfather died. I held in all the emmotions that I was feeling because I felt that if I let myself be sad in front of my family, they would say I was weak. The irony of it all, is that because of my actions my family said I was stoic and unfeeling... Such words only made me numb myself even more towards them. Little did my family know is that I had cried so much over his death... They just didn't see it.
In November I tried to forget all those feelings and woes that I had over his death. I tried to close myself up and not let anyone see the pain that I still felt and never had a chance to fully let out.
My actions only increased when I heard my great uncle had a stroke. He was left completly paralized on his left side and couldn't remember any of his family and friends. My grandmother made the decision to stop feeding him so that he could pass away.
Which he did... not too long ago.
Once again, I acted numb and calm infront of my family. They did not say anything about my actions this time. Maybe because they did not feel as sad for my great uncle. I did though. That man was the kindest person I know and didn't deserve that kind of death.
These past few months have only fueled belief that there is no God. No all-powerful being in their right mind would take away two wonderful people such as my grandfather and great uncle.
But they both believed in Heaven and in God... So it's hard to face my family when they tell me there up in Heaven and all I can think of to say is "They're not in Heaven... They're simple gone." Of course I can't tell them that to there faces. They would only ridicule me more then.
I just don't think I can handle anymore death. I feel that if I have to suffer through one more funeral of a loved one... I won't be able to fins my own reasons to go on. I don't want to numb myself to everything around me, but I don't know any other way to deal with things. I don't feel comfortable discussing the pain to others. I guess I feel that they won't understand.
Writing all of this down helped a little... but no much. Hopefullly, with tomorrow being Christmas, I'll be able to cheer up, even the slightest bit.
After all... it is the season of miracles.
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Kodoku na Oujo no Nikki (The Diary of a Lonely Princess)
This little, worn diary, holds my deepest thoughts and fears.
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