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i hate sleep now. as an insomniac i can rarely get enough but now what little i do have is painful. some time in the recent past there was about a month where i didnt remember what i dreamed. or perhaps i just dreamed the blackness in my memory. i didn't like it, i said i would rather dream anything than the nothing i had been. i was mistaken. i would rather not dream at all than have the dreams that have come to me lately. memories with twists from reality, distortions from the events i know, or just imaginary events focusing on the people i want to think of the least. and all painful. the memories were bad enough but you can shove them away violently with enough force. but they'll haunt you the same. dreams you can't stop until you're awake. it's like a brand new happening with the people who's faces you never want to see again. and then you have a whole new set of memories, new painful scars branded into your mind. i dont have the energy or the motivation to keep angry. though it doesn't make the loss of the first real friend ive ever had any easier, perhaps it even makes it harder, i know this was all my fault. my stupid choices as usual. the anger makes me guilty, even though i've been told i have every right to be angry for the brutal things that have been said to me. there are still hints of rage in my mind, but the majority of it doesn't care. revenge isn't desirible. i just want to off myself. those promises not to cut are becoming very bothersome again. maybe i'll break them like last time. most likely not. i intend to try to keep those who haven't abandoned me yet, though their loss seems inevitable. in the end they always leave. you can tell before they do it's going to happen. they know more about you now and they don't look at you the same. maybe they're scared. when someone knows you could break at any second, whether to break down sobbing and talking to yourself or to slug the next person who says anything to you while muttering curses under your breath, they can't be sure but they can be sure you'll snap some time. it happens a lot less often now. now that i've stopped trying to pretend i'm happy with how everything is. but it's harder to avoid talking about it now. if you glue on your smiley face you can pretend the 'nothings wrong im fine' routine is reality. something about people makes them think that you need to get it all out. that somehow exposing all your fears and everything that's crashing down around you to the world is really going to help. don't get me wrong i love to vent. and when you cry out all your problems to the right person you can genuinely feel better. but most people just make things worse. they pressure you into talking about something you don't want to so you're angry and frustrated to start. then they have no clue what was going on so they're all 'well that was a bitchy thing of them to do' when in reality it was the best thing that could have possibly happened. they often don't understand what you're saying anyway, or they think you're overreacting. teachers or shrinks are worse. no im not downing that i know some people they've helped a lot. but most of them just make it worse by calling up wherever the problem is so they can say its not my fault and they can scold you or they can supposedly help you and only make the situation worse. usually though what bugs me is they write it off as teen angst or hormones or an overreaction. or when there actually is a problem they assume you havent tried anything to resolve it and on top of it all, its your fault the whole thing came about. or that you deliberately caused it. they hold an impatient im-better-than-you air. it makes you feel like s**t and it doesn't fix anything. it more often than not made it worse. but that's just my experience. really though, how stupid do you have to be to go to a reported bullier and expect them to say 'yes ive been beating up on them give me a detention'? they're going to deny it and beat harder. whatever though. id really rather be left alone in all honesty than 'helped'. something about the helpers seems to make things worse.
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