its so over at this point. still it feels wrong. i know its for his sake and in his mind at least a little for mine but it hurts so much. holding off til thursday for a last day of intamacy and after that...what? what will i have? i could always go with the other once hes convinced im not just rebounding and ill be done with him in a week, and of course ill have them both as friends, but still. the only reason ive been able to hold on so long so miserable is the promise of a future and the knowledge of love. but now it has to be denied so we can be friends for convenience. and yet he promises we will still be together when the situation is better i feel so empty. but this time its different. we've split before for minute amounts of time and it felt like someone had just taken a chunk of me out of my stomach. i felt so hallow and cold and alone. last night though i was sick with tears and today it feels like i have some of that hollowness and the rest of me is slowly rotting away. i dont know what to do. while the end was really so much my choice i never even seriously considered being without him until yesterday. my first plan of action was simply suicide. and i really did want to last night. i wanted to call and say goodbye and then just draw something sharp over my wrists in a deep stroke and let everything run out in tears and blood. and a lot of me still does. the only reason i havent is promises to stay to others. i dont want to cause any more pain than i have. i just want to curl up and die. im so tired of feeling alone or betrayed. i have intense pulls to do as i always have in this situation, just pull out from everyone's lives and recluse until someone new shoves their way in and forces it all out and once again i realize just how ******** up i really am and just how much they must think i am. they always leave me in the end. maybe the other will be different, we're so similar, we've been through so much the same. extensive histories of attempts at self mutilation or suicide, rejection, lonliness, intensely favored siblings...heh i think i should prolly see a psychiatrist however much i hate them. [and another question, why do i want to be one if i dislike them so much?] ive hardly had a moment where i havent been crying or just hardly holding it back the past couple weeks. ive been thinking a lot about killing myself. ive been talking to myself, holding full out conversations. singing under my breath and spacing out when im down, just going into my own little world. ive been hallucinating again, and a couple nights ago i broke down and told my motrher about them and she's had them too, though she thinks nothing towards possible insanity for either of us she thinks its some evil spirits sent from the devil [******** idiot religious people] and i cant help but think about my aunt who had adolescent onset bipolar, and how some of the symptoms include my rapid mood swings and the hearing or seeing of things that arent there [bipolar is sometimes misdiagnosed as anxiety disorder or schizophrenia if not all symptoms are stated]. meh who knows. if i am so insane as i think i might be behind the fake smiles i try to pass off to the world, and for so long i effectively did, my end will probably come long before i get help. im not too fond of most shrinks, i find they tend to make it your fault and rather than improving the situation they only make it worse and i find many others have agreed. i dont know where i to go. i feel like a burden on my friends and my father is in rehab my mom is a religious freak so she wouldnt understand half the things i would want to say im so confused and i have nowhere to go. i used to find solace in church but i grew out of that long ago, seeing so many loopholes and follies i really dont even want to exert the energy trying to believe in something i dont agree with anyway. i used to hide away in my books too and im getting back into that habit, lately ive read so little its really a great change of pace and a positive one. ive started getting out more too, not with friends though i did a good bit when i would hang out with them, but alone like i used to, walking for hours and just breathing and listening, its so peaceful when you live out somewhere like i do when theres nobody around. my only regret is that there hasnt been rain lately. the rain tends to calm me even more than the night, its more comforting, it helps me cry or scream or whatever else i need to do; the night is only my second best, though it helps. being alone is thereputic, much as i used to know. i wish he wouldnt have made me open up, be so dependant. i hurt so much more when im with people to hurt or to be hurt by than being alone. it used to be lonliness wasnt even a problem, because when you dont know what its like to be loved accepted wanted you cant feel lonely. you can just feel relieved. now ive grown accustomed to the last couple cycles of friends and sometimes i feel the pangs of grief when i cant cry on someones sholder or use them as a pillow. that was always the worst part of the long distance for me, the missing. but still it wasnt so hurtful i would want what he did. but then hes been hurt like hes hurting me so he knows what hes doing i think. i dont know if this is what i want though, or if he knows how bad it hurts why he would let it happen to me. oh well. i trust him and i love him, misplaced as those emotions may be, and probably are if my late experiances have any notice. i cant stop them though, i need him and i just have to cope with this. meh i could rant like this for hours but im going to stop my pattern of thought now i guess. more later im sure, its not even noon yet....</3
a few hours later...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nHKKFf4EDlM&feature=related this post is prolly gunna be scattered with links to songs...so im still depressed about this all. im hesitant to go see him and i could skip out easy as hell if i decide to. im not sure i want to go and see him knowing after that one last time its all over with little chance of starting again soon, if at all. im missing him so badly and hes not even really gone. i just want to leave all this behind, i have so many memories and none of them can comfort me now. im going to miss it all so much. yeah, i can make it on my own, but i dont want to really. ive grown so accustomed to his closeness and the illusion of always having somebody, whether or not hes done a poor job of upholding the image lately. i dont like knowing hes going to be with someone else if only because it hurts so much to know that someone is there but you cant be with them hardly ever. i know he has a physical dependancy. but still i cant help but cry at the thought im just his backup, his second string, just a friend he used to love [or does as he says, is the first thats impossible, but i dont feel like it, phrasing doesnt do much for me]. http://youtube.com/watch?v=Dbh_k5GLRuQ im good though. ill just talk to myself and regress into my own little world just a little at a time hiding in the imaginary places of my books hiding away from the world and the pain. im going to be crying so hard these next few nights..these next few days... i dont know how to stop. he was the one who used to make it better. who used to stop the tears. but if he cares he doesnt show it. how do you stop crying when the only one who can stop you is the one who made you start? its so hard just to hold on right now. everything i do i think about killing myself. eat an apple:cyanide in the seeds. do the laundry:swallow the detergant or bleach. pick up the broken glass: slit your wrists with the shards. put away the scissors:stab them somewhere important. do the dishes:look at the blades on the knives...brush your teeth:flouride overdose with the toothpaste? put the brush in the cabinet:what if i took the pills out when i did...i feel so tempted to do horrible things to myself, to kill myself. i hold on for those who do seem upset for my sadness but those are few and its so hard to hold on without constant reminder and promise making. anything at all to stop the pain...http://youtube.com/watch?v=UnR8MLwMywM i love him so much why is he doing this. i know the distance hurt but doesnt this hurt to? and wasnt the love and the fact there was a future something to him? anything? i gave up so much to him and here i am alone and broken and its the best he can do. and the worst part is that this happened to him. he knows how the one who did this to him felt. but he knows how he felt to. cant he see how bad hes hurting me? i still feel sick and hollow. like something is rotting away my insides. my eyes are burning and my face is hot. my stomach and chest ache from crying so much so hard. ive been working all day to make the house spotless so i can go see him tomarrow...but why? all it will mean is goodbye. it hurts so much. http://youtube.com/watch?v=19vXyUi-bkE i want to just curl up and die. so i dont have to deal with this pain. whith all the hurt. i never want to see a human face again. why does it hurt so damn much? why does it have to? how can he say he loves me and still do this to me? why are people so cruel? i have so little to live for and it slips away just as i get accustomed to it. if you have to leave me bleeding and broken why come in the first place? why cause so much confusion? so much pain? all it makes me want to do is lose trust you spent so much time earning, trying to get my trust out of me. and i did trust you. i trusted you with everything. all my secrets. everything that ever happened to me. that i ever felt. i offered you everything i have and promised you forever. everything i have and everything i will. we created a future together in our minds. you were all i ever wanted and you said i was all you did. but it wasnt enough. you could still break my heart into little pieces. and i cant help but love you with the shards. i had so little hope so little trust for anyone. you made me open up. you made me hope. and then you took it all away. you took away my soul. im just an empty sorrowed shell anymore. all i want to do i pull away from the world and die. i knew fairytales couldnt come true, why did you convince me they could? why did i believe you? i almost wish this hadnt happened. i almost wish i had simply been alone. i was so happy with you, but now everytime i think of the times we laughed, smiled, talked, cried, kissed it cuts into my heart, into my soul. it makes me cry. but i knew this was going to happen from the start. i told you it would. and you said you would never leave me. but you're drawing back. im so alone...http://youtube.com/watch?v=aLse7g_Nfuo was it all a lie? was it nothing to you? or did you think it would come true regardless of what you've seen? i hoped for so much. but now its nothing. i dreamed of so much. but it was all just a dream. you promised so much, said so much, and you still swear it will happen, but i just cant imagine it, not like this. everything ive done ive done ti for you and you cant help me hold on. so long you didnt notice at all. ive been crying, slowly dying for so long and you didnt see it. and now its too late. but they say love is the slowest form of suicide. so why am i suprised? why am i suprised things turned out this way...ive seen all of this coming for so long. you finally convinced me it wouldnt happen though. and now here it is. and im all the more heartbroken because you made me so sure. you made me so sure it would be forever. it took so long but you did. you put so many images in my mind of how happy we would be i stopped doubting it would be true. and now its all gone. all gone. now all i can say is sorry i guess. sorry i wasnt enough to keep the pain at bay. to keep you happy. i hope you're happy now. are you happy now? i wonder. http://youtube.com/watch?v=1Z-klNDHXp8 oh well. i wish you luck. i wonder if that future you promise is even what i want now...i wonder if i want to trust you again when i could be so broken like this again. if my shattered heart is willing to be put back together so i can trust you again, try you again. i still love you, that doesnt need to be remedied, but i wonder if i can trust myself with you again. if i can let myself be put in such a position when the future is now so fragile to me again. i dont know anymore if i want to be held or if i just want to push everything away and be alone again. i hope shes everything you ever wanted. i obviously wasnt. shes probably everything im not. and im good with that. ill get over this all in due time. i really do wish you good luck. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJkBZ_7Mtmo
again...
im sorry i still love him i still need him...&/3
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