So, really late on putting this up. lazy as i am I'm not going to edit it at all, I just want it here should so it's easier to grab later sweatdrop enjoy?
[19:32] Velo: I could feel the sun radiating on me when I stepped outside, it's rays wrapping around the surface of my skin. The smell of the morning city rushed inside of me. The noise of laughter, radios, everything all being taken in a once. I began to feel relaxed, fantasizing about today and how it would turn out.Or rather, How i would I like it to turn out. I continued running down the street, carefully avoiding any collisions with other pedestrians. They didn't seem to mind. It was almost as if they understood. Wait ...
[19:42] Velo: Understood? That's impossible unless this behavior is typical of the ordinary college freshman, which I doubt. Most are enthusiastic to be here, I am not. Or I am? The sound of the bus braking snapped me back into reality.
[19:57] creatures kissing in the rain: With a sigh I turned and boarded the bus, smiling sadly at the bus driver again. She gave a curt nod with a hint of humor. Perhaps she could tell I had rushed to get here again today despite her warning yesterday. I plopped down in the nearest seat to stare once again through the warped glass, fogged with face and fingerprints of the many people who had sat here before. Were any of them like me? We rolled slowly onward down the road, passing a multitude of people smiling obliviously through the gale of an ever rushing world. Were any of them aware of the changes happening that could devastate any one of them at any moment? A butterfly effect that could change more than just the daily weather. Did it pass through the scampering minds of the children running through traffic and their parents bickering in the shops? I hardly noticed the passage of time as the bus lurched toward the college, and i exited in a stupor. With a blink that pulled me back into reality, I looked around at the faces of a thousand strangers on the lawn. Perhaps the interactions today could be just as productive, but less catastrophic.
[20:25] Velo: I walked up through the door and to my locker. So far so good. I've made it this far in without anything going wrong. As I put my books in, I lost track of myself. Out of nowhere, a thought of the girl from yesterday took over my mind. I hadn't seen her yet. I found it embarrassing, referring to her as "the girl", although theres nothing I could do, since I didn't get her name yesterday. Or maybe there was something. Pushing my luck, I set a goal to find her today and ask her for her name.
creatures kissing in the rain: I considered the thought for a moment. Would she allow me to speak to her again? Perhaps the repeated approach would show my good intentions out. I don't want another scene like yesterday, though. Perhaps I should give her time. No, that wasn't right. I needed to make my approach now if I planned to build on our encounter. I spun on my heel, set to face her wrath if that be the case, but even so I stumbled and nearly fell on my face in shock.
[20:44] creatures kissing in the rain: She was there, right behind me, staring intently at what only seconds ago had been the back of my head.
[21:05] Velo: "You ..." She said, soft and firm. Her glare was as strong and unchanging as before. Is she still mad at me? She stopped speaking, as if she didn't know how to continue. Or maybe she was waiting for a response. I took a chance. "Me?" I said, almost cracking my voice into a shrill. I was still startled by the perfect timing of her appearance. "Yes, You. I didn't catch your name yesterday"
[21:05] Velo: She loosened up a bit, or it seemed that way to me. I've never been good at conversations, nor deciphering attitudes and behaviors of other individuals. But I wouldn't let that ruin my chance at making a friend. I responded boldly ...
[21:05] Velo: "Neither did I" boldly and stupidly. What the hell is wrong with me. Was I trying to drive her away? I know the conditions weren't exactly as I planned a few minutes ago but still...
[21:05] Velo: "You're right, I suppose I cant get something for nothing." she stuck out her hand and offered a shake. " I'm Carmen"
[21:05] Velo: Every feeling that I had ever experienced decided to resurface at that point. I was too confused for thought, and hadn't noticed the time. I took her hand and responded. "Hi, I'm..."
[21:15] creatures kissing in the rain: At that moment, the bell rang. Silently I cursed both it and myself, because the sudden and loud noise had dragged me out of my intent focus on the girl. Or Carmen, as I should really start to remember her as. The jerk of the bell on my consciousness had seemingly swept through a number of other people, including Carmen. In the moment it had taken me to comprehend the meaning of the sound she had been swept into the crowd, either by her own rush to class or simply through the massive push a sheer wave of bodies tumbling toward a number of staircases on my left. I searched franticly for her in the sea of bodies and caught her face for only a moment. She mouthed to me what I thought was "Lunch," but above the indistinct roar of one hundred voices mouthing the same vague yet unique instructions for later, it was hard to tell. Either way, this was a spot of encouragement. I knew to seek her out after class, perhaps I would search for her after this one. It wouldn't suit to lose her confidence because of a student stampede. But with my wonderful first day track record of universal tardiness, I needed to run. Eventually, the professors would grow weary of letting me slide into my seat not-so-discreetly to attend the lecture.
[21:27] Velo: The next to classes where decent. An assignment was given in both, which I did fairly well on the one for first period, but not so much for Calculus. It didn't matter. My mind was elsewhere. I opened up my journal in my free time, in an attempt to addict myself to it. I began putting dates and soon times as titles.
[21:27] Velo: After that, I would jot down anything that came to mind. Little poems, Theories, Scenarios, random things. Things that interested me. I started writing more goals for myself. The first one had been such a success -if you can call it a success- that I decided I needed more to maintain myself. To keep me from losing myself.
[21:28] Velo: Finally, the bell rang, and I was on my way to lunch to meet Carmen.
[21:48] creatures kissing in the rain: I hopped down the steps, anxious to see Carmen. I stopped for a fraction of a moment to look at the lowered voices arguing near the stairs, those two boys from the first day again. I considered trying to intervene but I couldn't risk the fragile relationship Carmen and I had reconciled in the morning. I jogged to the cafeteria feeling like I was floating on a cloud of sunlight and dreams toward a promise of completeness. A shadow of doubt pressed against my mind, telling me this was unrealistic. Only yesterday she had pinned me to a table and laughed fiercely in my face. I shoved it away. I wouldn't let my doubts break me today. My substandard esteem would not prevent me from fitting into this picture perfect painting of college life. This could be my break into the independent world. The dream most kids have as soon as they're old enough to understand that life under authority's firm hand placed restrictions on what and when a child could do. And what a delusion it was. Any person with half a brain knew that there was no great place in life where one could do absolutely anything they wanted. It was a pleasant thought though. A lifestyle governed by the Id. I strayed around a crowd of giggling girls and cocky boys exiting the cafeteria with flirtation in their words and more explicit urges in the poorly hidden roaming of their glistening animal eyes. A push of the glass doors and I was with Carmen.
[20:53] Velo: There she was, sitting at the table I choose yesterday, hunched over in her chair, with a fist in her cheek. Her eyes where locked, her trademark glare replaced with a sense of calmness. Her notebook was set snuggly under her arm. How beautiful she was, sitting there in her own world. This world's existence seemed to bounce right off of her, like the sunlight in her hair.
[20:53] Velo: As I walked over to the table, I felt a chill. Maybe I was just nervous.
[21:00] when we've said goodbye: Was it just nervousness? She glared almost constantly through life from what I'd seen, but her frown seemed so intense I wondered if I, or someone else, hadn't caused it specifically for this occasion. I slowed my pace for a moment, considering. My final decision fell near to my original resolve. Waiting could only make the situation worse. I straightened myself for the last few steps toward this vision of beauty, this angel in hell, and opened my mouth to greet her.
[21:26] Velo: As I opened my mouth to form words,and then she blinked and looked at me. For a moment in time, it was as if the whole world froze. Everything around us seemed meaningless. The world suddenly felt dull. The same way I had felt on my first day. . .But this time, I wasn't alone.
[21:26] Velo: "Hey Carmen..." I began to say as I sat down. She only responded with her glare, looking directly into my eyes.
[21:26] Velo: I told her my name and began to talk. She wasn't very social, although I cant complain since I wasn't either. Her voice was strong, as if she could talk down anyone who bothered her, yet soft like an innocent child. I noticed that she was wearing a sweater, even though it's almost 90 degree outside. One arm had the sleeve rolled all the way up, while the other went down to her hands. Why, I wondered?
[21:26] Velo: Then I remembered. Without thinking, I asked her about it. "Where were you bleeding yesterday?"
[22:01] when we've said goodbye: "What?" She asked, indignantly, immediately set on the defensive. "What do you mean?"
I had no choice now. I had brought it up, and now I needed to resolve the issue. After all, if we were to be friends, we needed to get these issues out of the way. With a deep breath I countered, "Yesterday. When you were under the stairs." I continued hesitantly, gingerly. "You were crying. And there was blood spattered lightly all over down there. What happened?"
"Nothing." She replied coldly, her eyes icy on mine. "Nothing happened yesterday. I don't know what you're talking about."
Her eyes were intimidating, threatening. But underneath they were pleading too. Beneath the brittle shell she had constructed she was begging me to stop. There were more tears glistening deep, armed to well up in a chorus of harsh sobs. But I had to know now. "Please don't lie to me," I said. "I saw the blood. I saw your tower wrapped arm at lunch. Your clothes are poorly suited for the temperature. And don't give me any bullshit about you not watching the weather channel."
[22:08] when we've said goodbye: She let out a little gasp and tugged her hands from me. I looked down at our hands to see mine clutching hers so hard my knuckles were white. I hadn't even noticed I was touching her. I fumble on an apologies in my mouth, so ashamed of my clutch. She was far more fluent at this point. "Don't touch me." She hissed, jerking her arms again. I wanted to let go but I couldn't let her go now. I had to know. I shifted my hands slightly and loosened my grip, but still she winced and gasped. I realized then where she had been bleeding. I flicked her sleeve up before she could stop me. There on her wrist in stark contrast to her pale flesh was a jagged crimson canyon bordered with displaced bandage. I looked up with shock and sorrow in my eyes. She met mine with desperation and anger in a single sharp blast. I noticed abruptly how close she was, and without any thought, I leaned forward and kissed her gently.
[22:39] Velo: Then I blanked out. When I finally came to, I found myself pinned to the window, my neck again victim to her hold. She held on tightly and pointed a finger at me. "I said don't TOUCH ME! Am I clear!?"
[22:39] Velo: "I'm ... sorry" I struggled to speak. " I didn't know ... I mean, didn't mean to" She didn't grant me the freedom to finish. Instead, she tightened her grip and pushed me into the table. I landed face first on the metal roundtop. I looked up at her. She offered no sympathy, and only responded with a glare. She looked down at her arm where a long trail of blood was already dripping to the floor. "
[22:39] Velo: "No..." She said, in a broken voice. She clutched the wound with her free arm and ran off.
[22:52] when we've said goodbye: I stared after her hopelessly. I wanted to chase after her, but her grip on my trachea had left me lightheaded and dizzy, hardly able to sit upright. The eyes of the world were divided equally between myself and Carmen, some staring at the pathetic form of I made up crumpled against the legs of one of the vast tables, others following her graceful lope across the lawn, still clutching at her arm. Twice she had tried to asphyxiate me. Would she come back again this time? She had approached me of her own accord this morning, would I be so lucky this afternoon, or even this evening? I wished again futilely that I had obtained a phone number, or at least her last name in order to track her down. I made a mental note to check the girls' dormitory later. With my luck she would be like me, choosing to stay in an apartment and I would have no hopes of tracing her to apologize tonight, but it was worth a shot. For now, however, a soft, sweet, comforting darkness called to me to sleep. A soothing blur rippled across my vision, and I was gone, into a floating realm where nothing was painful, and where Carmen with her gaping wrists danced regally, overwhelming me with desire...
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