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How is one supposed to deal with losing their best friend? How are you supposed to react when one of the few people you genuinely care about admits they're happier not talking to you? I've wasted so many tears on this idiot only to have it end with a nice i hope your life is hell in reply to well wishes and sorrow for all the pain i've caused. I'm such an idiot. How is it i always manage to screw things up so badly? Sometimes i think i'm not supposed to have anyone. Maybe it's better that way though. I can't hurt them and they can't hurt me. After all, nothing hurts when you don't give a s**t what they think. Lonliness doesn't hurt unless you're missing the absence of it. I spent so long being lonely without caring. Now i'm empty and hurt over losing the closeness of one person. Sometimes i have to wonder if i'm lying to myself about not loving him. For that many tears to go to any one person maybe i do. I wish i didn't if it's true. Things get too complicated. It's amazing how much pain can be caused by one mistake...one confused person in a situation where a choice needs to be made...I wish the day he told me he loved me never happened. I wish i could take it all back. I hate losing friends over a romance...it's the stupidest thing to lose them over...It's times like these i wish i didn't have to feel sorrow. I wish i could just hate. The time comes when i have to be torn between wanting to torture and wanting to apologize. Between wanting to live, just to make everyone else suffer; and wanting to die, to end the pain. They'd be better off without me. All i seem capable off is hurting. Hurting and being hurt. Pretty pathetic. I need to stop wasting time and tears. But it's hard to stop when you can't keep them out of your dreams. When you can't push them out of your thoughts. Why is it we dwell on the most painful things? Why do the negatives always seem to outweigh the positives? Why do we keep on living when we're going to die anyway? It's not like it makes a difference. None of us are worth anything. We all die in the end and pretty soon nobody cares anymore. In the grand scheme of things we aren't worth s**t. Any of us. Nobody is anybody. We're all nobody in the grand scheme of things. Life sucks. At least it's short. Small blessings...
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