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Couldn't sleep....It's 4:17 am.....And Time.........Time has flew by me....When I was young, there was so much time.....All the time in the world...But I look back and I can see everything in a blink of an eye.


A blink now and I remember when it was 2012. Has 4 years really passed? That much time already? I guess I never really moved on. Have I really been using this website for 8 years? What am I still doing here...


First journal of the year.........Probably going to be the last again for the year.......I really have nothing to come for on here....I destroyed the last thing. There's nothing left...Hopefully I don't come here anymore...It saddens me how much time I've spent on this website....I guess I grew up.


Out of all the girls that I've talked to....Ever; on here....There was only one that truly loved me....And I broke her heart into a million pieces. Her name was Sopia. Sopia Van...She loved me with all her heart...And there is no worst feeling in the world, in knowing that I ******** up. Such a stupid reason. You love somebody so much that you let them go. What kind of reason is that? You love them too much that you have to let them go. Because it hurts you too much to love them that much. It hurts that you can't be with them. That you can't touch them. That you can't be there for them when they truly need you.......And so you let them go........Because they deserve the love of actually having somebody be there for them.....Somebody that can actually do all of those things for them....Since the biggest problem about Online Relationships is distance.........You let them go....Because they deserve a love that is better than the love that you can offer...


The grass is never greener on the other side...


Guess that's the story of my life. Forever Alone. I ******** up everything. And I deserve to be alone forever.


I think a lot more than I should. I think about things more than I should. I overanalyze s**t. I do it too many times....I use the phrase, think before you do something; too literally. I think too much....And in thinking too much I don't do enough. Always DO. DO. DO, DO, DO. Do it and regret it, then NOT do it; and regretting it.


I ******** it up with everybody. Nobody's gonna wait for me. Everybody's gotta do them. I have to be more selfish. You are going to do what makes YOU happy. Problem with me is that, I'll put your happiness first before MY happiness. And sometimes I do that too much, and then I get unhappy. I'm too selfless and people get used to it....And when I get selfish just once, it ruins everything. Not even once, more like twice or three times.


When I tell you I love you, I will love you forever. Truly. I will think about you everyday. For the rest of my life. I've done it since 2012, and its 2016 now and I still do. If I've ever told you that I love you.....I will love you forever. I'm not lying when I say that...I truly mean forever. Its hard for me to let go....It always has been.....I'm hard headed. And I'm an idiot....


If you can get me to care about you. And get me to love you. I will love you forever. Its hard to get me to care about you though. But if your amazing enough to get me to care about you, I'll care about you forever. I don't care about a lot of things....But if you can make me care about you; you mean a lot to me.


That includes you Allyssa. It's just a shame that, I had to go and ruin everything. I will cherish the time that we spent. The countless nights together until morning. The snoring. The movie time on netflix. I haven't loved in a long time.....And you made me remember how it was like to love again. To love somebody again. You made me happy....The happiest that I've been in awhile. In years actually....And I have to thank you for being in my life. Because of you, and the way you hurt me. You hurt me, but you were being honest with me. I will always appreciate you. Appreciate you for being truly honest with me. About my life, and my situation. And for me to DO SOMETHING. So I'll do that now....And go back to the real world, and stop avoiding my problems and to actually confront them. You taught me not to fear. And by hurting me, I have nothing left to care about. All the fear is gone...Not just the fear....Everything.....Everything is gone. And for that, you pushed me to the brink to become a better man. A better person. A better human being. I should be sorry to you. Don't ever say sorry. Say everything that you mean, and never be sorry for it. Because you're not a sorry person. I just want to say.....Thank you for everything. Thank you Allyssa. For the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thank you. A couple of manly tears fell when I typed that, but I'll be okay.


Hey guys, thank you for reading my journal. I'm afraid it ends here, sadly. I have nothing left to live here for. Nothing left to come back for. Nothing. If you were reading since the beginning, I guess this is it. Hopefully you won't be seeing a journal post ever again from me.



I deleted my snapchat. (Thatguyzaa no longer exists on snapchat)
I don't have an instagram.
And I don't have a twitter.

Facebook me: Za Xiong



Goodbye.(: