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I don't like going to that bad place. But I still do sometimes. And I hate it when I do. I'm in that bad place right now. And the best I can do is drown myself...In music. I don't normally listen to death metal. Or that screamo music. But it feels really good listening to it right now. I had...A person message me. A long time ago. Concerning about my journals. About how..Its always about me when..I get sad. Depressed. And lonely. And I get that. I understand that it makes me look needy. I'm just a noob, y'know? If I can choose not to have feelings. I'll probably choose to do so. If I can choose to not be hormonal, I'll probably do so. If I can choose to be asexual, I'll probably do so. But I can't. I mean..Nobody really wants to know about the happy things that you do. "I went out to eat! It was so good!" Nobody wants to hear that.."I just broke up with my girlfriend.." Which would you rather hear? Which one would you want to know the details of? Of why you went and what went where? I think everybody would pick the second one..I haven't wrote a journal in a long time. Because I took a lot of thought into that PM. Why do I always write about negative things that are going on in my life? Why is it always so sad? How come its rarely seldom something good?

I guess because. This is the place. Where I vent. When I go into that bad place. No idea if its going to be something negative. But I'm sure it is. I always find myself on here..When I feel lonely. A lot of things aren't what it seems to be. You may think you know. But you don't know. You don't know whats real or not. I guess that's where the word faith comes from. You have to put hope in it. You have to believe that it’ll happen. I don’t like using the word faith though. To me, it seems a lot like false hope. Just a word to make you feel secure. But then its going to get you hurt anyways. Faith gets a lot of people hurt. When things doesn’t work out. Or goes the way that you want it to. I guess you shouldn’t set expectations for other people either. Because when your expectations are failed to be met; its one of the worst feelings in the world. Or you just shouldn’t trust another persons word so dearly. I’m just..I don’t know. A strange person. I don’t think I have deep thoughts. Or words. I just describe the way that I’m feeling. And right now. I think I already knew this. But the world is full of lies. And its so hard to try and find the real things inside of it.

I’m such a hypocrite. Should I be happy that things aren’t what it seems? I’m not that stupid. I know when things are wrong. I know when people are doing things behind my back. I know when the feelings are diminishing. I know when I don’t want to be talked to because somebody is taking my spot. I have to deal with that. I know that. Call it being insecure. Or being truthful. A lot of things aren’t what it seems to be. I should be happy about that. Don’t judge a book by its cover. But when can you really judge? When you get to know the character of a person? Even then. People hide a lot of things about themselves. A lot of us are selfish people. Why do you think we get jealous? Jealousy comes from being selfish. And that; I am. Because I am insecure. I do things to double check. To make sure that I’m in control. A lot of the time; the worst thing that you assume ends up to be true. I’ve never had a case where it was just me being crazy. s**t happens.

I guess. I was writing about that..Because. My girlfriend Naida has really been on my mind lately. I don’t know if its coincidence. Or on purpose. But I feel like she is avoiding me sometimes. I know everybody has their own life to attend to. I think I’m just needy. But my god. Its insane how in love I am with her. She’s been giving me signs. Of wanting to give up on us. I don’t feel like she is 100% dedicated to making it work right now. And it scares me. A lot. Since when did guys get nervous about splitting up with someone they love? Never...Right? They’re always the ones that are cheating. The ones who do the breakup, right? I don’t know..I’m not sure what she’s thinking right now. I still feel like she is keeping a wall up for me. A barrier against me. I can’t read her correctly. I think I do, but I honestly don’t. Sometimes, I feel like she says things just because I want to hear it. Not because she wants it herself. I’m not sure if...It's just that she’s so in love with me…That she wants it to be real so bad..That its hard for her to be with me..That its hurting her. And she wants to be together for real. To close the gap within the miles on the map. I want that too…But that’s going to be so hard…And so long. What good can I do? Or maybe. Just maybe. She doesn’t love me like the ways that she tells me..And wants us to part ways by telling me these things. Maybe shes found a guy that shes interested in at her school. Maybe that’s why shes not devoting her time to me anymore like how she used to be. Isn’t that crazy? Like…How things can change so fast. You’re together a lot. For the first month. And then all of a sudden things change. And you guys seem to be a bit more distant. I try to bring it back closer. But she doesn’t seem to want to. Maybe she’s giving me those signals because shes trying to splitup by being nice? I’m really vulnerable right now. Lots of insecure. I hate it when things change…Because I don’t know whats going to happen. I think everybody do. Fear of the unknown. Not knowing whats going to happen. Knowing that you’re not in control and that you have no idea whats going to happen. Or hell. Maybe I’m just being too much of a wuss by worrying too much. I care about her too deeply. I want this so bad. That I’m going to get hurt for this. So maybe that’s why I’m worrying so much. Since when did males worry about relationships…lol. Only in Asian guys. I don’t give a ******** though. Whatever happens, happens. If we do split, which I feel like we might..In the close future. My gawd…..That is going to suck so bad. I don’t know what I would do. All the worst fears, coming true. I’ll probably be really butthurt. I’ll probably assume that it was a one-sided affair. Like some of my relationships were in the past. I’m just setting myself up to fall. If that day do come…I hope it doesn’t come. But I feel like it will. And I’m dreading it every second. Might as well to have loved than to never love at all.

I’m such a selfish person. I keep a lot of my relationships because I want something out of them. Because it will gain something for me personally. I am such a fool. An idiot. A bigot. It sucks being a selfish person. But then again. I guess every relationship is formed because both partners want something out of it. Maybe every relationship is selfish? Who knows. I said I will stop caring months and months back. And I did. But I care again now. How stupid does that make me look? It felt good. Not to care. Not to give a damn. Not to try and put on a certain image for anyone. But just be myself. Let my insecurities be known. Let people know what I dislike about myself. And it made me stronger by not caring. I think a lot of people should do that. Let the world know about their own personal insecurities. And if somebody gives you s**t for it, ******** them. You can’t change it. But you can accept it. That time when I wrote the 13 things about me. In those months that it was put up. It made me feel much better. I remember being so insecure about my p***s size. But now I just don’t give a ********. If you don’t like it, ******** you too then. LOL. Makes me giggle for being so ridiculous. And if somebody gives me s**t for it. I can’t change it, and your not cool so ******** you too for giving me s**t for it. And it’s the truth so I don’t give a ********.

I don’t know man. I’ve been hella lonely for the past few days. Girlfriend ignoring me. Hasn’t really spoken with her. Can’t text her anymore. But I figured she’s probably texting other people. And maybe another guy. Probably another guy. And I can’t help that. All I have is faith. Because I’m such a goofball nice guy idiot and so easy to manipulate that stuff likes to not go my way a lot of the time. Sucks man…Really sucks. I’ve been talking to a few friends. And I feel really close to about 2 of them right now. I talk to one late night. Who lives in Texas. And one of them lives in Germany. Halfway across the world. Great, isn’t it? Lol... I never knew I had any admirers. I just found out recently that I had a few. But I guess that’s not a bad thing. Maybe that’s part of the problem too. Is that I don’t know whose watching. Whose looking. I feel alone, yet so many people seem to be watching. That’s the reason why I don’t have so many friends. I have 977 friend requests on Gaia. But about 12 friends. And I already feel lonely enough. Imagine how it would feel if you had 500+ friends and don’t even talk to them. How worst would that feeling of loneliness be? I can only imagine…God. That would feel horrible. So many ‘friends’. Yet, nobody truly knows how your feeling. Who you are. What your feeling…Thinking. You think somebody is watching but they probably aren’t. That’s why I don’t have a lot of friends…Because I don’t ever want to feel that way.

Been writing a lot. I think it’ll be nice to whoever’s reading to stop here right now. Main points: Feeling very vulnerable. Emotional. Needy. Lots of lonely. And just not that good. I’m not like this all the time, I can assure you. It just happens to be the strongest emotions that I feel and I have to let it go somewhere. And heres the place where I let it go. I don’t think everybody is all that different. And we all just want to belong. We want to fit in. To be comfortable with someone, or a group of people. We don’t want to be judged. We want to be happy. Why do you think a lot of Asians marry other Asians, a lot of Whites marry Whites, a lot of Blacks marry Blacks, a lot of Hispanics marry Hispanics. Because they can relate to each other the easiest. Without putting as much effort to adjust to the changes in dating another race. It gives you the same thing that every human wants. Emotional support. But dating outside of your race is a bit harder to adjust to. So I applaud anyone who has ever done so. I know it may sound racist. But think about it. People are just more comfortable around their own people. That’s not a bad thing of course. Its just easier to be able to relate to someone who speaks the same language and has grew up in the same culture as you. Whether its rap culture, being catholic, a lot of the time people are comfortable around who they grew up with and what they grew up with. Its up to the awesome people to step out of their boundary and try new things and not be so strung in. Ever think their will be a day where all of humans can just be comfortable around each other? I don’t know. I’m just over here bullshitting. Spewing my useless thoughts. I know what I wrote down has been all over the place. I’m just freestyling and writing what I’m feeling. And some of it just happens to be me feeling like s**t. Oh well. Thanks for reading whoever you are. Hopefully I got you to stay and read some more of me when I feel ******** up. Thanks.(: Maybe l’lI write another one and not have to keep whoever is waiting; waiting for 4-5 months again. I have no idea who is going to read this. When they are going to read this. It can be a few days after I post. A few weeks. Maybe even a few months. But I just want to say thanks for slipping into my mind for those minutes that you did. I’ll write again soon..

Emotions and feelings are retarded. Don't you agree?