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I hate Karma. They say what goes around comes around. And I think I got hit with it when it came around. This has been one of the worst starts to my new year as I can remember. It was all bad. My first time jumping from relationship to relationship and it all ended really quick. The heartache was unbearable. Ouch. Apparently, I just suck. I don't know. I'm a noob. I guess I wasn't able to leave as big of a impression as I thought I would've. But hey, this is coming from a guy who only has experienced online relationships. LoL. I'm such a noob. Naida has convincingly moved on. I stalked her and she mentioned me once. But not even my name. Just. "Some guy that I went out with". Ouch. That hurted. Somebody hand me some salt and some limes so I can put it on this open wound. Aha. I got over that breakup really quick. Or at least that's what I think. And then along came Samantha. I knew her for a long time..And basically went out with her a few days after splitting with Naida.


I don't know what's wrong with me. But I guess I felt a deeper connection to her. I hate how those relationships ended. They both ended in almost the exact same fashion that it urks my nerves. Everything is hot and okay the first month. Then a month of not talking because of real life and work. Then it's over. Just like that. AND BOTH SO CLOSE TO THE ******** MONTH'S ANNIVERSARY. Ugh. What am I doing wrong here? I don't know what I'm doing. Is it my fault? Is it me? Did I ******** up? Where did I go wrong? How could I had changed it? Man. Me and Samantha split a few weeks ago. But it didn't feel real at all. It was like. Really? Just like that. It's over? I'm sooooooo butthurt. I still am. She barely uses Gaia anymore. And I have her alternate facebook as a friend. ******** do. AND she lives in Germany. Yep. I ******** up on that one. I should've never went out with her. 7 hour difference. Lives in Germany. Whewwww. I just setted myself up for a world of hurt right there.


Two more days and it would've been our second month's anniversary. But it didn't happen. And you know something is wrong when you. The guy. Is the only one to remember it. LOL. What the ********. Aren't girls supposed to be the one bothering the guy letting them know its their anniversary? Gosh. I'm such a noob. Two heartbreaks to start off my year. That's always a good sign of things to come. My heart has gone cold again. I don't think I'm going to do online relationships anymore. They're just going to fail. And it's so hard to gauge somebody that is willing to put in as much effort as you. You can measure your own effort but you can't somebody else s. Maybe only sexual relationships. Hmmmmmm. Who knows. But I'm definitely not down to let my heart get broken again.


I don't know if I'm being biased. Or incredibly ignorant. But women are such heart-breakers. They're ruthless. I came to this conclusion before. But it went away but now its back. And I stand behind it 100%. Women like to say that men are heartless. Yet, it's men who will do anything for Love. Jump down into the depths of hell for love. Go to war for love. Men get their heartlessness from women. "I got my heartlessness from a woman". I really wish I would've wrote this when I was all butthurt. I had a lot more reasons to justify why I feel this way. Women break so many hearts its not even funny. I'll rather do the heartbreaking then letting my heart break. I'm going to take that stand and do that.


I don't know what I'm saying. I think its just because I'm butthurt. But after those two breakups. I really started questioning myself. My demeanor. My attitude. My personality. Am I not good enough? Am I too ugly? Is it because I'm Asian? Am I too fat? I'm so insecure lol. I'm pretty sure its me though. I need to stay away from online relationships. And go make real life relationships. I'm just a little b***h. I think I love too hard. I need to stop loving so hard. Loving someone too much will only get you hurt. And I need to stop doing that. I'm always doing that. I always get hurt but I just don't seem to learn from it. I got issues. And problems.


But hey. I really respect Samantha for being truthful with me. She didn't sugarcoat anything. "Yes Za, we have drifted apart..Za..I fell hard for a guy in my class..I'm sorry but its time for us to move on.." MAN. THAT SUCKS SO MUCH. UGH. lmao. Did I tell you that I cried over her? Second time. Eva. That I cried over a girl. I need to stop putting them on such a pedestal. Or maybe I just need to go after older women. I don't know. But most of these girls are the same. Some more insecure than others. But they're all the same. They all hurt you in the end. They say sweet things to you. Sweet words. Very sugary words. But under those sugar coated words..Are pain. Lots of pain. Sadness. Regret. And self-doubt. "I promise I won't do it to you. I won't be like the other ones". Turns out to be like the other ones. I need to stop letting people get so close to me. No wonder why I find myself to be alone most of the time.


Sometimes its better to be alone because then..Nobody can hurt you. Do you believe that? I do. Being alone sucks. But getting hurt sucks even more. I wish I would've done that..I hate myself for having these retarded things in my head. I don't know if I'm a nice guy. I hope I am. But some days it makes me doubt that. I told myself that. I wanted to be one of those guys where...You can look back and think. "Yeah, I miss him. It was fun being with him. We had a great time while we were together.." But by thinking and doing that. I am only setting myself up to get hurt. Well, that mindset is out of here. I'm going to do everything and whatever else that I feel like doing. Even if it means trampling people over and feeling like s**t. I feel like s**t right now, is there really going to be a difference? Nope, not really.


I recently got into contact with some people that I used to know. I'm not sure why I did. But no way am I going to let them get close to me again. I think I did because I watched a video on youtube. And this 105 year old lady said..The secret to happiness is having a happy heart. With no grudges. And just be happy. So I guess that's why I got into contact with those people. But here I am. By myself. Once more. lol. No more jumping from relationship to relationship. I crashed so hard after I split up with Samantha. It all came crashing down. And I was bawling my eyes out like a girl. For an hour. Aha. That is so unattractive. xDD


Girls are weird. They say they want a man to be emotional. But when a man IS emotional. They don't like it. Why? Because the girl herself already has enough issues to deal with, they don't want to deal with their man's issues. They seem weak when they cry. They don't want a weak man. They want a man where they can lay their head on their shoulder when they're feeling sad. Girls wanting emotional men is such a myth. I don't know why they say that. I guess they want that because it shows that the guy cares. But once the guy does that and shows that the guy cares, POOF. That girl is out of here and on to the next one. That's why guys turn into wolves..Because of women like that...


I'm going to be honest with you. And myself. I basically wasted a year. I graduated high school last year. Don't have a job. And just went into depression for a year and got into these online relationships to distract myself from the inevitable. I am a big p***y. I'm scared. I'm scared of College. My school sucked so much that they didn't even prepare me for college. I am scared out of my mind. I can't drive. Don't have a car. No license. Don't know how to fill out for Financial Aid. Don't know what to do with my life. But I have to do that. I have to do something. This past year of staying home not working not doing anything. Made me feel like s**t. Stay home be a bum. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to change. I have to change. Or I'm going to regret things and feel like s**t for the rest of my life. I'm just so afraid of taking that first step because I don't know how to. I don't have anybody to help me. I don't know where to go for help. I don't know how to start. I don't have anybody to talk to....I need to do something though..But I'm so scared..I need to stop being a little b***h...Wasting my life doing nothing....


Alright guys. I guess that's it. Those 4 months flew by really fast. I didn't expect them to fly by so fast. But that's the truth. And how I'm feeling like right now. I'm all butthurt and s**t. All depressed. But I don't give a ********. It's the truth. So thanks for reading with me. Er...Reading how I'm feeling. And how much of a b***h I am. Its been a long time since I wrote...And I'm probably going to quit Gaia..Since I don't have a reason to stay anymore..Too many hurtful memories..But we'll see. Never say never..Thanks for reading into my insecure mind. It was lame I know. And I really apologize if you read this really late..Whether it was just posted yesterday, a week ago, a month ago, 3 months ago. I really appreciate you reading my thoughts. But oh well. Until next time..I wrote too much and this is too long..I'm pretty sure nobody reads these anyways so I'm just talking to myself..lol..Bye.