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Entry~
Well, it turns out I didn't spend the day in the forest after all.
Something propelled me to leave. I couldn't stay there any longer, the fountain was dried completely.
Made a small offering. Not sure if it will do any good.
I went to the center, only to see Tsuki collapsed, crying. I had to comfort her, she looked so broken...
It was about Gin.
Apparently some other Chesherr came out (The one Rika and I clashed with.) and made fun of Tsuki, so I had to cheer her up.
Then I sort of remembered I haven't seen Luna in two days. Apparently Tsuki saw her limping in the commonrooms.
********.
So I tried to call her. But after Tsuki tried tracking her with this black powder, this black stripe starting appearing on my hand.
I don't really know what happened after that. It feels like another conscious joined with mine, but just barely.
The few times I have my regular conscious everyone is staring at me weirdly and telling me things I already know. After a while, I get full control back.
Then for some reason, everyone wants to go in my mind or something. Get Luna out of there.
Hell, I told them that isn't going to happen.
Something inside of me was asleep, and I had to go inside to wake it up and get it out. So I went to asleep.
Guess who I find in my dreams? I don't know it, but they're the real deal Jinx, Cielle, Rin, and Tsuki...
So I lead them all to the circus, and they get to see first hand Gio-puppet disappear when Rika-puppet is jumping off the swing. She falls to her death. Tsuki-puppet falls off the tightrope.
I don't...want to describe it all. It was horrible, now that I'm looking back on it, but my awareness in that form was muted.
And just like that, Jinx-puppet stops standing around and so begins to knife-throwing act. With her precious knife that always manages to get lodged in my chest.
Like always, it seems.
But just before, the Ringmaster tells me I would be great for their circus. What good is a twisted reality without me, right?
I don't think anyone noticed. There is this...feeling of disappointment because of it. They were all too busy trying to get to me, screaming at Jinx puppet....
I'm already strapped to the wheel. Jinx and Jinx Puppet are both have a scream out, when...it finally registers.
With a twitch of my fingers, the strings go loose. She falls. I get off of the wheel.
Could they be any more obvious? They were practically screaming 'We aren't puppets this is a dream' in my face.
...Oh wait, let me scratch out that practically.
So who decided to appear? Luna. She can't leave just yet, because she's injured.
She throws the knife at them, which turns into the Dreamer's Dust they all need. Just in time, too.
They fade away as I run out of the circus tent, looking for the hall of mirrors.
So we all wake up. I'm pissed out of my mind. I'm still pissed out of my mind.
I'm mostly just arguing with Tsuki and Jinx this time.
They're screaming at me, telling me to 'listen' (I've listened to them for so long) that they 'care about me' (Shhhit. The only reason they ever need me is because they just need someone to sob to) and that I should consider their feelings.
Consider their FEELINGS?
Yeah, I wrote that ******** right.
They had the nerve to blame me, me of all people that I don't care?!
If I didn't care, then why did I let Tsuki cry into me? If I didn't care, then why did I always run after Jinx when she had a b***h-fit over the littlest things? If I didn't care, then why am I even here?
If I 'don't care' then I would be long gone. I would've accepted that offer to join Ringmaster's troupe the minute he offered without a second thought.
And you know what? I'm still ******** considering it. I'm still considering dropping everything and just walking away.
I'm sick of balancing everyone's feelings. I'm sick of being the only calm one.
And if Jinx had the same anger fit I did back there, no one would be screaming at her to 'listen'. I guess no one likes to see one of the only calm ones break a little, huh? It means we all have human emotions!
LISTEN TO ME, GOD DAMNIT! YOU JUST ENTERED MY MIND, AND WHAT, YOU WANT ME TO THANK YOU FOR IT OR SOMETHING? AM I NOT EVEN ALLOWED MY SECRETS?! DON'T GIVE ME THIS 'WE CARE, WE WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP' BULL s**t!
IF YOU ALL REALLY CARED, YOU WOULD'VE WOKE ME UP LONG AGO! BUT NO, 'ELVES VALUE THEIR DREAMS', SO YOU ALL JUST LET ME GO THROUGH HER ******** TORTURE, OVER AND OVER, IN THAT GOD DAMN HALL OF MIRRORS. WHAT, DOESN'T ANYONE THINK THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, US ELVES DON'T WANT TO FACE OUR DREAMS?!
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ALL KNOW ME SO WELL! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LEAST THING ABOUT ME! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ALL KNOW BEST! I'VE BEEN THE ONE LISTENING TO ALL OF YOU CRY, TRYING TO HELP!
DON'T YOU ALL DARE YOU TELL ME CARE. THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE THAT EVER CARED ABOUT ME ARE BOTH ******** DEAD.
IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT I CAN'T LEAN ON ANYONE, LIKE I THOUGHT I COULDN'T. IT'S NICE TO KNOW I CAN'T EVEN HAVE MY SECRETS, THAT EVEN THE DARKEST CORNER OF MY MIND HAS TO BE INVADED IN SOME HALF-ASSED ATTEMPT TO SAVE ME FROM MY OWN MIND.
STOP KIDDING YOURSELVES.
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(A line strikes the page, and the next words are written when Lily comes back to write, calmed down.)
Jinx then screamed at me she was sorry that she was never there for me like she thought she was.
And I was so sick of lying, I basically just told her 'Well hey, looks like someone finally just realized something!' And honestly, it's true. Jinx has never been there for me.
How fitting, huh?
Then she tells me that she doesn't need me anymore.
Excuse me while I go laugh my a** off.
...
Kay, back. Anyways...'I don't need you anymore.'
That's another fine piece of bull s**t, hmm? Jinx wouldn't even be at GEIOW if it wasn't for me. She's the most dependent person I've ever met.
She wouldn't even know she could do other magic other than dark if it wasn't for me and Ray always pushing her. She was always scared, of everything.
And it makes sense, right? A puppet isn't anything without a puppet master to guide her. Tsk.
We're complete opposites, Jinx and I. One who keeps to herself and remains without a person to lean on, and one who depends on anyone she meets.
Then she screamed at me, repeatedly, that she hated me.
And you know what? I can't bring myself to care. I really can't. I'm so tired of looking after her, of running after her every time she gets upset, of arguing about the same ******** thing, over and over...
I almost wish we didn't break our promise to Flora to pretend we didn't know each other.
So I told her that I'll remember all of that the next time she runs off for another b***h-fit and I have to cheer her up. I also told her to tell Flora I said 'Hi'.
So she screams at me she wonders why Ray even liked me.
Now that, that hit me a little. A little? What, am I bullshitting myself now?
So then it's just me, Cielle,Wren (Tsuki's pet fox who was sent by her had.) and Mira, who drops in for a small visit.
Then this little hell butterfly poofs in.
Apparently it's Tsuki's dad, and some captain saw Tsuki rage-fitting and grab another captain to fight, so he wants a counseling session?
...Yeah, I don't really know either.
Then Jinx suddenly runs out of the Grunny commons and throws a bracelet at me, all smiley and 'Oh, I understand why you still won't forgive me.'
It's a bit dirty, though. It's a charm bracelet, filled with cute little charms of things I like. Now that I'm looking at it now, it seems it has an inscription...
...Oh, how sadly ironic. 'To Lily, From Ray and Jinx; We'll always be there for you.' They must have made it when mom dropped.
Liars. They're both just a pair of ******** liars.
(Yes, I am keeping it forever. Problem?)
Oh, right. Trip to japan.
Enter paranoia that I'm going to die from a little girl's (Another lieutenant or something.) sandal (What? It's possible, sandals are freaking lethal.) in a hot spring (Rin, Cielle, and Jinx wanted to all go.) in ******** Japan.
(I'm very sweary today. Must be because I'm pissed.)
So this counselor guy (He said his name a couple of times, I can't be bothered with learning strange and long japanese names and yes that is my excuse.)
(But why should I be telling you this? That's right, this is the place I go for my thoughts, where no one can read it. Pfff, right. I bet like 17 people use this for casual reading.)
Uh, anyways. The counselor guy had a sick-fit and we have to stay for the night.
I handed Cielle my will.
So we all went to the springs (Reminded of that trip to Bassken Lake. That idiot...he better come back soon.) and enjoyed the water for a while, all the while Cielle threatening me (Teasingly?) with sandals.
Scary. As. Hell.
So I told them I was tired, and now I'm here, staring at those sandals across the room warily and listening to the magnificent sound of Cielle snoring like a beast.
Oh hey, it's 11:59. I almost forgot it was New Years.
I wonder if everyone else is staring at a clock, too. Wherever we are all...
Everyone back at GEIOW, Lena (Who's lost near her Grannie's house. I'm coming after her.) Gio...
Are we all going to wish for the same thing? Probably not.
...
3...
2...
1.
I wish that everyone will come back and laugh, together.
I guess this is to hope, something I'm beginning to forget myself.
 Siyaahi · Sun Jan 01, 2012 @ 02:01pm · 0 Comments |
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