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Well, I think I just got on Gaia. s**t just got really real. Now, since I'm anonymous on here, unlike I am on facebook, I could pretty much put anything in here and there are only 2 or 3 people who might actually see it. And since they don't know I'm back for some 30 minutes, they probably won't even see this

... You know who you are...

I kinda miss Gaia. Having only my trusted friends seeing my thoughts and feelings and rants. Now, with facebook, anyone I know can see what's going on in my mind. And, I'd probably make an a** of myself. Because I mostly have s**t to b***h about. And, not only will I get ridicule from my family and ex-classmates, but I might even get some static from some friends if I flamed them.

So, anyway, I'm just pulling s**t out of my a** right now. (Hold the fiber) I don't expect anyone but my future self to read this

I'm 18 now. I'm going to college soon. I'm still single. I've had one girlfriend named Brittany who was a walking c**t bucket and was bound to cheat on me. My 2011 summer has been nothing but me sitting inside and complaining about being bored. Cool things happened: I got my guitar totally tricked out and I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Getting drugged before the surgery was funny as ********. I even managed to actually get away with making a threat to someone I hated on school grounds. And with teachers walking by. Yeah. I grabbed Mitch's collar and shoved him up to the wall and whatnot. Not to be badass, but to prove a point. I even graduated with no difficulties

This summer, however, hasn't been so much fun. Looking back on it, I should have appreciated my senior year more. I have peer pressure from my parents and grandparents to cut my hair, get a job, get a driver's liscense, and open a ******** bank account. Now that I've registered for college, these ******** couldn't care less about whether I get an AA or not. (2) I've been having a hard time sleeping. I just lay down and think about so many people that always look so happy together. And they obviously never abandon each other like Brittany basically did to me. I broke up with her, but she gave up hope on me within the first month.

(3) I keep having dreams that I want to live in. Dreams that are so nice and so perfect, it's like I'd rather say "******** this world" and go to where things are perfect. (Saying that on facebook would attract a LOT of grief) Live in a nice house and have all the things I don't have handed to me. Most of all, I still wanna be with someone like Cleao, Ryoko, Ayeka, Mae, or some of the girls that keep appearing in my mind. Someone who would give me a real hug. Not the s**t where someone wraps their arms around me; I mean a real embrace where I would feel the blood running around her body and be able to hear her breathe. And I'll stake it out right ******** now that it's not creepy or anything. It's me wanting to fall in love with someone and not just hug but embrace that person with the full extent of my emotion

And, that's just why we all want to be kids again. So we can be given everything. So we don't have to work. So that the world can be simple and understandable and pure and white. But, once you become 18, that world fades to a crystal ball. It becomes something so small that you can't see much past the mist and fog inside the crystals. It becomes something unreachable and, at the end of the day, it fades from memory

But, I just seem to be angsty and conflicted more so than I once was. I can't bring up conversations for more than 15 minutes anymore. I don't have a school ground full of girls I can look at. I can't go on to hope that there's someone out there like Cleao or Ryoko. (Anime characters. Bad stuff to fantasize about) And, it's starting to seem almost like I don't even have friends. Just people that I can ask questions to and then watch them turn around and act like I'm just some guitar playing dude. I'm not anyone's best friend anymore. I'm barely even anyone's close friend anymore. I'm just a friend who will make you laugh to them now

And that emptiness there, coupled with the way I want to be with someone, is the possible reason why I'm awake until 5 in the morning lately. I'm ******** insanely and neurotically emotional. I'm F.I.N.E. I can't even cry. I can't even play guitar right without wanting to fill the emptiness. I can't play video games. I have a number on my California ID. I'm not a person like I always thought I would be. I'm just a number. It's not fair.....



It's not fair. But nobody ever said it was gonna be...



I guess that's all that needed to be said. Everything about my summer, anyway. It's all about how I'm having a hard time and it's all linked to the fact that the only girl that would show anything towards me isn't even real. And the only girl I ever felt anything towards is gone from me.
She crushed my soul on Friday, May 29th, 2009 at about 11 in the morning....
I miss her so much....
If only I wasn't so rash....
If only I knew what I said....

It's flat emptiness. I'm feeling an emotional draught. There's no compassion around me anymore. And, it's kind of at the point where it never has been. The only people who would possibly show compassion, affection, or love towards me are the people who only exist in my head...