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"Don't waste your time on me,
You're already
The voice inside my head
I miss you, I miss you"

Recognize it? You should. I'm a bit ashamed I like it. I chose not to give it a chance because I never liked Blink. Then again, to be fair, I never gave them a chance. But, lately, songs hold a different meaning to me. I don't feel primarily disconnected from a girl. I'm missing my dad....

I wish I could feel his presence. I wish I could feel him contacting me in a dream or something because so many others have felt him spiritually. Granted, they were doing some drugs, but at least the spirit was there. I can't feel right about handling his death because I'm not nearly as sobby as everyone else

But, I get depressed at random times. And I wonder why it had to happen. Why couldn't anyone see it? And why couldn't the doctors help him? He's gone and nobody can do anything about it now, but GODDAMNIT THEY COULD'VE DONE SOMETHING THEN!!!

I'm angry, depressed, and alone in more than one way. I'm angry at all the times I ever spoke badly of my dad. And I wish the ******** doctors could have helped him get better, but they never did. I hate my grandparents trying to make my decisions for me. My dad would have never done that. I'm depressed that he's gone. I'm depressed that I'm still alone, and I'm alone without him. In the end, I have nobody I can turn to.

I don't have a shoulder to cry on anymore. My mom's in Sacramento and I don't see her often at all. My grandparents are ******** up people. My cousins can't get the gist of how I feel, and I don't have a girlfriend or a close friend giving me any emotional support

People wonder if I'm okay. I'm only okay because I tell myself I have to be. Lately, I realize I'm not. I'm ********. It doesn't even matter. I'm floating through a pipeline, filling in time. I'm not destined for great things. I'm not fantastic, I'm never gonna make it, I'm not gonna fly high, and they're not gonna love me.

"Come in here, Dear boy, have a cigar.
You're gonna go far,
You're gonna fly high,
You're never gonna die,
You're gonna make it, if you try;
They're gonna love you.

Well I've always had a deep respect,
And I mean that most tensely.
The band is just fantastic,
that is really what I think.
Oh by the way, which one's Pink?

And did we tell you the name of the game, boy?
We call it ride the gravy train"

When I think about the future, I think of now. I think of when my dad steps out of my life and I became the person he wanted me to be. Well, he's gone and I feel like the floor's been taken from under me. Now, I'm just falling. I don't really have a reason to keep on journeying through life

That was one of the greatest things my dad ever did: gave me expectations. I think he's the reason for everything. Everything he ever did led up to July 12, 1993 at 8:48 am. With him gone, I don't feel like I have any reason to make anyone proud




It wouldn't matter

No one

No one in the world

No one in the universe

No man, woman, child, animal, or plant

No one

Can ever take the place of my dad...