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I've always been somewhat of a talker to myself, I think it's made me feel more comfortable than talking to other people, because usually those other people are new and I don't really know them that well.

So I'm pretty introspective. But I'm a vocal introspective sometimes, and a brooding introspective other times.

But anyway, I've been going through the days with a little bit more to hang on to each day. I've now fully implemented the "work journal" so that my thoughts are more organized in both regards.

I feel pretty happy and grateful that I'm able to do stuff like this.

If I wasn't, I'd just be drifting along like just another bit of driftwood, not really going anywhere except where the current took me.

But with this journal system I've got going, I'm seeing where I'm drifting to. And if I muster up enough energy, I can change where I'm going instead of just staying on the present course.

This is something that I need, mostly because the present course I'm going at is getting more vertical than horizontal, and I'm not getting any higher. If that makes any sense.

I think, on the last journal entry, I was half asleep while typing. I can't quite remember this, but I'm pretty sure that I typed a good chunk of it with my eyes closed.

Maybe this isn't a good thing to get in too deep with. I really don't want to be the one who can communicate only by typing on a keyboard, and I especially don't want it to keep me from talking in real life.

Yesterday morning I realized just how hard it was for me to address a crowd. While I had the right words to say in my head, and I was pretty sure I was calm enough, I was speaking with a very noticeable waver in my voice. While my conscious mind was sure of itself, my subconscious was affecting me by wanting to run away and hide in a safe place. It took a good deal of will for me to keep on talking and finish what I was saying.

This is a problem. But I believe it's just a temporary one, because I can still attest to the fact that I don't consciously will it to happen, it's just a subconscious desire to do it, and I attribute it to the way I've been in the past.

If I keep pushing myself every day to accept the unpredictable and unsafe conditions, I can get over this affliction between body and self.

Stress is my mortal enemy, but I will not let it define my mortal state. I am fed up with it.