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Dearest Alex,

I don't know what we are right now. And I'm not going to stop thinking about it until I know. But I need to let you know something.

I am not a stable person. You're physically unhealthy, I'm mentally unhealthy. I sometimes think I have multiple personalities. I don't know what I believe religion-wise anymore. I don't know how people can stand to be around me. And I don't know what you see in me. If anything.

I'm convinced that you're just taken up with the idea of being with someone. I honestly don't think that you like me.

I'm so afraid to find out whether or not that's true.

I have horrible mood swings. I have moments where I can't help but think the worst, no matter what I'm screaming at myself in my mind. I have a horrible temper, and I never want you to see it.

I tried my hardest not to walk away when you said those things on my birthday. But I couldn't handle it. I value you too highly, and the words... hurt so much more than they would have from anybody else.

I don't actually care about most people in my life. That's why I am who I am. I don't know if it's because I don't want to get hurt anymore, or because I'm really that heartless of a person.

I'm beginning to trust you. I actually believe you when you tell me things. That scares the s**t out of me.

I'm afraid to show you who I am. I'm wary. Because I don't know if you'll like me. You already don't know if you can ever love me. How will you be able to handle seeing me, pure and unfiltered?

The song that makes me think of you just came on my mp3 player. Hands Down, by Dashboard Confessional.

That week we spent together truly was blessed. I can't remember being really happy. Not in a long long time. I think you came closest to making me happy than anyone else has in a while, though.

I want to do anything and everything for you. It's just how I function. I want to nurture you and care for you and make sure you never hurt. Because I actually give a rat's a** about you. Everybody else I've ever done that for broke my heart. So imagine how scared I am right now.

I'm wary to show myself to you. I feel like a feral beast. Cornered. Scared. Willing to fight if I have to, but so desperate to run away that I can barely contain the urge. But I'm containing it. Because I already love you as a friend, and I think I'm starting to fall in love with you a little. And I want you to know who I am, but I'm so afraid of what you'll think.

Words mean more coming from you. I can't make you just a friend, can't make you just another person in my life. Because I need you too much.

I don't know if I can be just friends.

I'm crying right now. Isn't that something? I'm actually terrified of the thought of you ever reading this.

I want you to know who I am, Alexander. I'm terrified of you knowing, and I'm so petrified to open myself up like that, leave myself vulnerable. But I want to give you the chance to see who I really am, without me trying to be guarded or reserved, or put up this impenetrable facade. I want to give us a chance.

It's blowing my mind, but I actually genuinely like you.


Here's to what may be, and to all the hopes that I'm paving my future with.
~Amanda Marie