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But why? Why does it always have to be such a struggle?

I read Nya-chan's journal. She's afraid and hurt. I don't know whether or not she knows it, but I'm hurt too. She walked away from me. She walked out on our friendship. For the second time. She walked away from me and abandoned me and said "I can't deal with you, you're always so hurtful to me."

I'm not, you idiot. I'm always protective of you, and you've taken me for granted since we met. I've always been there for you, but that's because you've always treated me right. As long as you've still loved me and cared about me, I've been there. But about a year ago, you stopped seeming to care quite so much. You got too busy for me. And I had to start to let go, because I couldn't keep hurting myself over you, when you weren't going to be there. I can't dedicate myself to something or someone that doesn't care for me. I need the reassurance that you still love me, the reassurance that I'm doing a good job, that you still need me, that you actually care.

I've always been there. And then you got Louis. And I told you over and over that this was a bad idea. I had always been right for six years. You know that I had been. But when you got Louis, you started thinking for yourself more. Not a bad thing, but it affected you negatively. You started to rebel against that protective shield I had wrapped over you.

Never thought it might've been there for a reason, huh?

You decided to do things with him that you regretted. You didn't tell me about them because you thought I'd judge you or think badly of you.

You said you didn't know me at all. You're right.

If you knew me at all, you know I would never have judged you. Would never have lied to you. Would never have just abandoned you. Would never have let you face the consequences alone.

And now you're upset because you've become a person that you hate. You're too terrified of people to even let them touch you in a dance lesson. You can't let anyone close to your heart anymore. You disregarded me and my advice, and took a risk. And it turned out badly for you, and now you want to shut down from the world.

You're afraid of my temper. Everyone is. Even me.

I cussed and you didn't like it. Allow me to justify myself:

You said that you were avoiding me. That felt like you took a pencil and stabbed me in the lung. Then you told me why. You were avoiding me because of Alexander? Because you were jealous? Why the hell would you just let that fester?

That was your fault too. You incurred my anger. You had been neglecting me. You could've asked Louis to say "Happy Birthday" to me once you realized that you had missed it. You could've apologized right then and there. You knew that I was sitting right next to Louis; he told you that. I know, because I was next to him when he did it. You could've used him to communicate with me, since you knew I was staying there.

It wasn't just him texting you first. You texted him too. You went out of your way for him.

I reacted with anger. Yeah, I did. Do you know why?

Because you hurt my feelings.

You've been acting like I don't matter. Like I'm not important enough. Like I haven't been there for you for seven years straight, through every single moment, through every trial and fight with your parents, helped you struggle through any problem you've ever told me about. Never judged you. Never abandoned you. Never left.

You left me. And then had the audacity to make yourself out to be the victim.

I've stopped wearing your necklace. It feels too heavy for me to support right now. I can't handle having your leash around my neck if you're not even going to take the time to remember that I'm here at the end of it. I haven't had any attention from you in what seems like months, except when I n** at your hand until you look over at me. And the first time you notice me, what is it to do? Tug my chain and call me bad.

So I lashed out. Not all of the anger was because of you, but I had actually trusted you to be there for me. And you left me and betrayed me, just like everyone else.

I can't trust anyone in my life anymore. Do you know how badly that makes me hate myself? I can't even let my guard down far enough to let Hawksley in enough! I'm suspicious for every reason now.


You abandoned me and tried to have a life without me. It went sour. You could've come back, but you didn't. You still can come back, but you won't. You're too afraid of me now. You've become someone you hate, and hey, I'm right here to help you get back to who you want to be. But what do I know? I've only known you for seven years.

I'm still here. I'm still waiting for us to talk things out. I'm still waiting for us to figure out where we stand. But from what I can tell, we've destroyed a lot of our friendship. And I hate to say it, but a lot of it is your fault. I feel hurt. And betrayed. And neglected, and that's why I got pissed. Yeah, I get pissed a lot. But I've always nurtured you. You're the one that decided to go off on your own.

The protective bubble was there for a reason. I wanted to save you from this. To save you from the world. But I let go so you could see it for yourself. And when Louis broke your heart, lied to you, got back together with you, and broke your heart again, and again, and again, I was waiting right here for you to come back.

Nettie, where'd you go?