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Wow, so much is on my mind right now. Where do I even ******** begin? Well, for starters, I graduated from high school last Thursday. That’s pretty big I suppose. On Friday I got a car, which is pretty big too. Finally! With all these big things happening all at once, I’ve kind of felt like I’m going through a mini mid-life crisis. I’ll save that for another post though. Right now I want to talk about something that’s been on the forefront of my mind since Friday.

So there’s this guy, Mike, who works at my local Borders. He’s pretty damn hot. He’s got longer brown hair that flips out at the ends, a beard and moustache combo, and he can rock a pair of skinny jeans. I’ve had a crush on him for a while, and one day when I was in Borders I had the perfect opportunity to try to talk to him. The thought crossed my mind, but I quickly dismissed it. Me talk to a random hot guy I know nothing about? Yeah, right. So of course I left. As soon as I was out the doors, I regretted it though. Why not talk to him? The worst that can happen is he’s not interested. And it’s not like I haven’t experienced that before, or it would be any worse than past experiences. I told Ann about it the next Monday, and she was like “OMG, you need to talk to him!” I marinated on it for a while. Why the hell not? I decided I would try. So I went in there maybe two weeks later, and he wasn’t working.

I tried a few weeks later, and once again he wasn’t working. I wasn’t able to get in there for over a month, which was last Friday. I saw him wondering towards the back of the store. I went his direction, thinking I could ask him to help me find a book and maybe strike up a conversation. No such luck. My legs wouldn’t let me move. He went up to work check-out, and I thought “Damn! I’ve missed my chance. How am I going to talk to him in line?” Well, in an attempt to get him as cashier, I bought the magazines my mom wanted for her. Luckily, I got him as a cashier. But this time, I couldn’t get my mouth to move to talk to him. I walked out to the car where my mom was waiting, defeated. I figured if I couldn’t do it that time, I never would be able to, so I was going to give up. When I got in the car and told my mom how I couldn’t talk to him, she suggested I put a note and my number under his windshield wiper. Not a bad idea, but would he really try to contact someone who put a random number under his windshield wiper? I wouldn’t. So she suggested I just go in and right down my name and number on a piece of paper in person. I mauled it over, gathered the courage, and went back in the store. I figured he’d still be in check-out, so I could just walk up to him and give him my number. He wasn’t there, so I took a stroll around the store. I couldn’t find him. In a last effort, I asked another employee who was at the service desk if she knew where he was. She looked around, and replied “I don’t know. He was here just a second ago,” and before I could even say anything she got on her walkie-talkie and paged him to come to the service desk because someone was asking for him. I stuttered out “Oh, no! That’s ok, you don’t have to contact him,” but she went right on talking like she hadn’t heard anything. I wish I could have seen my face, because I’m sure my expression was one of pure terror. While I waited for Mike to come from the back room, I asked the other employee if she knew if he was single, because if he wasn’t I was going to sprint out of there. Of course she said “I don’t know. I don’t pry.” Of course. So anyways, about that time Mike makes it to the service desk. I still don’t know how, but I was able to force out and “Hi. Are you single?” He replied “Yes, I am.” So I handed him the piece of paper and said “Here’s my number if you want to call me sometime. Don’t worry, I’m 18. I know I look young.” All he said was “Ok, thanks.” Or at least I think that’s what he said. My mind was numb by that point. So I turned around and walked out as fast as I could. It took all my will power not to just run out.

That was pretty much the most embarrassing moment of my life! Not only did I not give him my number very smoothly, but he had to be ******** paged, and I had to do it all in front of another employee. Ugh!

But the good news is he texted me about 9:50 that night. We texted for a while. Here’s the bombshell though: He’s 26 years old! He looks like 23 tops. So I don’t know about that. He contacted me on Saturday while he was at work, and we texted for a while that day too. Then things started to get a little iffy with him. We texted like once on Sunday, but I initiated the text. I figured he’d text me when he got off work, but not such luck. There was still nothing from him Monday morning, and he had the day off, so under instruction from my mother, I texted him again. We did end up talking for a while. Then late Monday he started texting me again, and he asked if I wanted to hang out. So we might be able to hang out Wednesday. I really hope he texts me back later with more plans, because I don’t want to have to text him and bug him and be like “Hey, when are we hanging out?” It sounds desperate. I’m still not really sure if he’s interested in me though. I’ve been trying to flirt, but he doesn’t return and of my flirting, and he’s had some perfect opportunities. Plus, if we do hang out, I don’t really know if it’s a date or not. He used the words “hang out,” not “go out.” So I don’t know what to think, but I guess it’s a step. He’s also an unreliable texter. He’ll be contacting me a lot one day, and then not at all the next. He’ll also just stop texting me. It’s not like I’ve left it where there’s nothing to reply either. Two times I’ve asked him a question, and he just doesn’t reply. It’s weird and confusing. I don’t know how to read him. All this uncertainty, and trying to figure out how he feels towards me is making me sick. Last night I could barely sleep, and I woke up with knots in my stomach this morning. I’m doing ok now, but that’s because I’m keeping busy. I know if it’s starting to get late and he hasn’t texted me, I’m going to start to get sick to my stomach again. I can’t handle relationships. They’re not good for me.

Anyways, hopefully we cement plans to hang out tomorrow! I would be ecstatic. I really hope he texts me about it though. I really don’t want him to think I’m too clingy. Hopefully I’ll have some good news to write about in here in a few days.