Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

*Note: I didn't really proofread this entry, so sorry if there are a lot of errors*

My life has been looking pretty bleak lately. It’s no secret that I pretty much hate my life right now, but the only thing that gives me hope is the thought that one day I’ll have my own place, and maybe with it some friends I actually deeply care about, with them feeling the same way about me, and some sort “life” where I don’t just sit at home doing homework every weekend. But lately my mom has been making comments like “You need to get an education so that you can make good money and have a nice house so I can come and live with you.” She’s serious about these comments too. I think she’s seriously planning on biding her time until I have my own place and then dropping everything, moving in with me, and having me help take care of her. Not that I don’t love my mother, but she can be extremely hard to live with. When that day comes, what do I say to her? I can’t say no, especially if she needs to move in with me for a legitimate reason such as she’s going to lose the house, but how can I say yes? I can’t abandon my mother, who for the most part, except when she makes me want to kill myself, is a good mother, but how can I give up the freedom of living independently from her when I so long for it?! If that day ever comes when I would have to make that choice, I think the only option would be death. Like stated above, I can’t say no to her, and I couldn’t live with myself if I did. I also can’t say yes, for my own soul, happiness, and sanity, and regress back to the life I live now. I can’t see a winning way out of this, except to die and permanently escape it all. Is this the life I have to look forward to? Never fully escaping my mother’s iron grasp and living for myself? I wish I could see the future and see if things are going to turn out this way, that way I could end it now and save myself the trouble.

Plus, my mom has just been being really disagreeable lately. She knows I want a tattoo, and I know how much she disapproves of tattoos. But that isn’t going to stop me from eventually getting one. Why should it? The other day she told me about this story she heard on the radio about Taylor Swift wanting a tattoo, but her mother told her no so she’s not going to get one. She ended the story with “See, her mother told her no, so she’s not going to do it.” I replied with “She’s like 19. She can do what she wants.” My mom started to go off on this tirade about how I better never get a tattoo. I just calmly told her that it wasn’t a matter of whether I was going to get one, it was just a matter of when. She seriously said that if I get a tattoo, she’ll disown me. Seriously? Disowning over a tattoo? What the ********?! Maybe if I killed someone or was a child molester, then it would be ok to disown, but over getting a tattoo has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! She could have just been saying it because she was mad, but I wouldn’t put anything past her. Do you know how loved that made me feel? That are relationship is so easily uprooted by a ******** tattoo. The mother-daughter bond must be a colossal joke. I think her comment was meant to deter me from getting a tattoo, but I hope she knows it just reaffirmed my want to get one. It could just be the rebellious teenager coming out in me, but giving me and order like that followed by a threat definitely made me want one more.