You said that if I told someone things would be better. That 's what everyone who knew said. That I had to tell someone who could do something about it. You said that then I could move on with my life.
I need to stop listening to people.
So far, the only thing that has happened is the exact OPPOSITE of what everyone said would happen. So what if it's off my chest? It was already off my chest when I told you. Moving on with my life? I can't stand to be in the same room as him any longer! At least before I told, even if Mother was in the dark and I was disillusioning myself, I could pretend to live like a normal person! I get nervous at the mention of his name, even! Now what kind of ******** life is that.
Because of this, he and Mother separated. Because of me. And it's taking its toll on her and Cass... He was her soulmate and she truely loved him. She is daddy's little girl. I'm the odd one out, as usual. And, you know what? All that stuff about being 'closer' to Mother and 'more involved' and all that s**t... well, the exact OPPOSITE has happened. They've gotten closer to him almost. They leave constantly to go see him. You know what Cassie's first birthday wish was? "I wanna go see my daddy." I'm depriving her of her father. Who cares if he's a acoholic, ***** b*****d? He's still just a father figure to her. While I've managed to make EVERYONE'S lives worse, not just theirs. God, I hate this so much.
I don't care what you say. I really wish I hadn't told anyone. It made everything so much worse. I'm acting like a recent traumatized victim rather than a survivor of three and a half years, and someone who has been free of it for nearly three months. I'm constantly being left alone. And i abhor being alone. I can't stand it. It is like, my biggest phobia. Yes, greater even than clausterphobia. I hate being left alone so much. I get this weird reaction that makes me feel like I'm being abandoned. I didn't get that so often before I told.
Now I feel like that every single ******** day.
So, please, tell me- what good is it that came of all this?
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A walk in my geta
To steal a phrase from one of my friends, this is Mostly Lovely Randomness.
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