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okay, i got my ticket and everything, so i'm all set to fly out the 31st ^-^

i'm looking forward to the wedding, but the rest of the stuff i have to do not so much lol ah well, it'll be good to get some things taken care of. for example, i'd like to have my dinning room table out of storage and down here, where i can use it.

in other news:

i'm feeling rather like dead weight lately =/ i've been trying, but so far no luck in the writing department. i keep debating if i should get a "day job" or go back to school or just stick with it. i just don't know.

i don't want to give up, and taking a day job is really good way to ease yourself into "normal life" and forget all about your dreams. so would that be the first step to the end of writing? maybe not, but it's still scary to think about.

going back to school seems like a good idea, but it's complicated. 1) i left because i didn't feel like it was doing me any good. 2) i'd have to make sure that EWU was still counting me as a student and/or re-enroll. 3) i have to pay for my first quarter back out of my own pocket, so i need about $1500 just for tuition. which bring me back to the need for a job. otherwise i'd have to go asking people to lend me the money, and i really hate that idea.

*sigh* i s'pose i could just put writing on the back burner again, but i'm so tired of doing that. i don't want to wait anymore, ya know? ... still, maybe patience is what i need. maybe i'm not done being a student yet after all, and i have to do my time in the real world before i can start making my dreams a reality. damn it -_- i hate that.

one final problem with going back to school though, is that this requires me to go back to Washington, at least for the year or so it would take me to finish school. But does that mean leaving my BF, having a long distance relationship, or trying to drag him along? I don't think he wants to live in WA, and he'd have to be able to find a job up there. plus, once he's got that job, will he really want to just up and leave it after only a year? would we stay a few years then? but what if we get too comfortable there and never leave again? i don't like that idea much either =/

and then there's doubts about our future in general. like, are we really right for each other? will we eventually fall apart anyway or is this for the long haul? would we survive a long distance relationship?

he's been wanting to move to New Mexico for awhile now. So what if he decides to do that? i kinda like the idea of experiencing yet another state, and actually NM (esp the part he's looking at) is a place i've thought would be cool to see in the past.

but going back to school (at least if i want to keep my scholarship, which i really should) is on a time limit. i have to be enrolled again by march of 2010. so i can follow him to NM, but i can't stay there without doing something towards school again, or else giving up my scholarship. and giving that up kinda gives up college. partially because it covers all the expense and partially because then i have half as much motivation to go back to school at all, and no more time limit to keep it on my mind.

i don't know... i feel like i should go back and try to finish my degree. like, i'm a failure somehow if i don't. even though i know that it's not my personal dream, and the feelings of failure are just those being projecting onto me by society and my family. but still... i guess it's just cuz i feel so useless right now, i'm running scared again.

maybe i should stay with this fear for a little while. sorta embrace it and see what happens, ya know?