06.03.2009
00:07
00:07
Hey, you.
I just don't understand... but lots of things I guess just aren't meant to be understood. I've gotten more than my share of answers from friends- 'you're not worth it', 'you have bad hygene and I so don't wanna go there', 'Don't waste any tears on you 'cause you won't waste any on me', 'you're just a creepy, sex-driven douchebag of a b*****d that doesn't know a good thing when it hits him'. Among many others. But none of them are my answers.
I miss you. Like hell. And I don't understand why. From what I've heard, I shouldn't have liked you to begin with, let alone feel all the weird, crappy things I do now.. And from the general consensus, I should hate you. From my personal experience, I should too, but its never that easy. The only people I ever fell out of love with were my parents. I think I fell wey to hard for you waay too fast. Was that part of the unspoken reason you ended it? See, the love thing... I can't just say, okay, let's love this person. Oh, but now they don't like me anymore, let's hate them. If only it were that wasy. Because, you see, (at least for me) love is earned, hained. Like the trust issue I spoke to you about. Once you earn it, there's practically nothing you can di to lose it. You, earned it gradually, and most of the time probably didn't even know.
Unless that was you plan from the beginning of the second semester when I first met you- and here's a thing; you didn't turn me straight or bi. That's a helluva goal, and not one I'd reccommend. I'm lesbian. I like girls. Alot. I can relate somewhat. I can get a coherant sentance out, because I'm not confused out of my mind on what might be okay to say. Y'know... all the things that happen around you. I'm probably just as liable to ******** things up because I'm so damn insecure, but I'm fixing that... it seemed you forgot that I'm a LESBIAN once I told you I liked you, even when I explained it. THAT MEANS- If I was cheating on you, idiot, it'd be with another girl. Not that idiot. And no one you know besides me is lesbian, so you're freakin safe. I crushed on you and you alone. And, although you crushed me, you didn't turn me. I'm not a human who became a vampire. Because as much as you say it and pretend to be one, you're not a vamp either. Sorry. You're the only guy I'll ever love. I'll swear that on a stack of your choice of significant objects, since we're atheist.
But back to the love thing. I can honestly tell you how it progressed- for me, anyway. Who knows, the way you act about it, you might have just woken up one morning and decided that you were going to like me that day, then another morning decided you wouldn't. In Virginia, I wasn't really popular... okay. I was the weird brain everyone simultaneously hated and copied homework and answers from. My friend counter was always at a constant zip. So it just amazed me, when I moved here, and people wanted to talk to me! People liked me, and not just because I was the only reason they were passing the year. It was like a ******** miracle, especially when I met you. I can't really describe it. Just... sitting there, and talking to me, at lunch... god, it meant the ******** world to me. I'm sorry I never told you that. But... even if it was a little... interesting, I always had fun. You always made me laugh, which was a big thing for me. To be happy. You can ask Maili or Amythest, I went into a silent little emo corner when you weren't there. I didn't have much to say to them, and they didn't have much to say to me. But, I do have to thank you for introducing me to your circle of friends. If I hadn't met you, I'd me stuck with Tekky and Coble for my only 'friends', if you can call them that- being as although one is ok, he just wants to take me to bed & the other blames me for his relationship problems. But, once again, back to the main topic of conversation.
I love you- I'll shout it from the mountain tops or so any other love-infatuated thing you want me to. I ******** love you, and I don't care that you don't live me back. Chain me up, keep me on a short leash, I don't care. A few days ago I wouldn't have even cared if you beat me around. I even wished you would, id it meant having you back. Not any more, though. I don't know if your initial aim was to make me hate you, but you've achieved that. I can't stand your guts anymore, though I'd never say that to your face. We were just starting to get really close (or so I thought). I had so many things I wanted to try with you. I was learning, and I feel even more responsable for this because of that fact. Maybe you could have liked me if I had had an inkling of what I was doing. Or maybe it was fate telling me I should find someone who didn't just want to bone me.
Papa Roach says it exactly-
I tear myself open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
And my weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
I also don't need to be with someone who can't handle little bumps in a relationship, which just proves my theory more that you were only leading it on to get me in bed. The way to get a girl three years younger than you is NOT to say you're going to take her off somewhere before school once she arrives and have sex with her because you know a good, safe spot in the school. Because there's no such thing. And besides, HOW long had we been going out at that point? I think it was less than a month. You don't know how sick I get of all this emotional pain and turmoil and second-guessing, blame, that you put inside me. God, so bad I just want to... to take my dagger back up again. But I'm not going to let you kill me. I suppose one good thing came of you cutting the slim thread I was hanging by- I'm now stronger than I'd ever be. And, no, I don't care if you plan on it in the next year. I'm not getting back with you. From the reasons you gave me, foremostly the reason of the thing that happened in my past, it would be pretty stupid. Because my past won't change. But, congrats. I don't think I'll ever quite love or trust someone compleately again. I hope you realize that I'm not going to be following you around once the school year starts again. We won't even see eachother except occasionally in the library if you happen to work there again next year.
Now, I'm not soft or innocent or kind or trusting anymore. I'm a ******** rock again, quiet and planning and distrustful and wary. Maybe you think it's better off this way. The last time I was like this, I almost died. Twice. But maybe I was just your way to get laid, since like you said you'd do anything to get some, even rape me. Which you're a ******** idiot for saying, after I told you what happened. But I'd rather have the afore mentioned things that you took from me back. I'd rather live on right now. You began making me see reasons to stay alive. So please don't undo that, unless you'd like to tell everyone in my eulogy why I killed myself- because I wouldn't sleep with you when I'd only been going out with you for four or five weeks.
One last thing before I colse, and you'll never have to hear from me again. Why did you do that? Why did you go out with me, spend the whole ******** night with me, and tell me you loved me so much and that I made you happy if you were wanting to break up with me? If you'd been planning on doing it for quite some time? You didn't have to invite me along. I could have just dropped my sister and her friends off there, and left. You didn't have to tell me that you'd be there, or when, or ask me to come. One thing I don't understand about you is how you can break up with me and then say you still love me and that you're sorry. If you wanted a break or if there was too much drama going on- which is going to happen at the end of the school year with summer and exams and such going around. Not to mention stress and the feeling of last time to give advice to friends before the next year- you should have just talked to me, like you kept telling me I could talk to you. Like I told you, it goes both ways. I feel like such an idiot, having trusted you so compleately and then let you torture and kill me so sweetly. And, for being so naieve as to let you in, to think that you actually liked me for me, not anything else, for thinking you cared and letting you past all my walls... I can't think of a suitable punishment at the moment. But an Iron Maiden wouldn't be comparable. So, please stop texting me saying to look up, because you plan on getting with me again in the next school year, saying you love me, saying that you love me or that you just want to talk or to know how I'm doing. I'm past all that stupid s**t now. If you want to keep pushing people away from you, fine. I don't care anymore. I'm actually really glad I didn't sleep with you, besides the obvious reasons. I can't imagine giving that much of me to a person like you. Have a nice life. See you in Hell.
06.03.2009
02:45
02:45
