Remember all of those cute little things you used to stay up all night for? Talking about nothing and singing lyrics to songs that made too much sense? Yea... Teasing best friends, fighting with enemies... Always chasing that boy that never seemed to notice you. Loving and having fun without even having to leave my house. Yea, I remember those days. It all seems so far away, those days that really mattered to me. Since then: break ups, depression, new friends, old friends, more fights, anger, sadness... I miss my old life. I miss my old dreams, my old friends... Not worrying about life around me. My life was such a game and I should have loved it so much more than I did.
Now I am faced with insecurities... Worried about things that are not mine to worry about. I don't know what love means to me anymore. I don't know when it's friendship and when it's called being used. I don't bother with looking into it, either. I don't take time to stop and watched the world around me. I let things slip out of my grasp until they're too far gone to reach. And I'm so alone these days.
I don't know what I'm doing these days... Looking up into the stars and dreaming of a better day. Ideas keep forming and than getting squished again. You can always try and smash the circle blocks through the square holes, but does it always work? Does he love me, does he care? Does he know I lay in bed and think about him 'til 2 am when I need to be up in just four more hours? I don't think so... Tears are no longer shed, but my empty heart still aches. So I can lie to myself for as long as I want, but nothing's going to go back to the old ways...
I just need to keep pushing, I guess. Friends will come and go... So live my life with them to the fullest until the glass decides it needs a refill. But how do you know that the liquid you're putting into the glass is able to be drunk? You don't, but you just gotta try new things! Which seems hard... People like me are not used to change or difference. We know one thing and stick to it... We adapt to that way of living and don't bother with fixing it until everyone else has already moved on passed the situation.
At the moment my mind is stuck in some tight space. I can't decide where to head to next... Backpedal? Or take the next step? Build stronger relationships with my friends... Be more active. Be strong in my family, even when it seems hard. And work to build up the broken bones that have occurred when playing to rough for the other team.
Life's still a mystery to me right now... Just keep trudging until you can grasp what you've been working for. Even if those things are impossible... I'll still try. I'll always try.
 MarionetteOfShadows · Wed Mar 11, 2009 @ 02:21am · 0 Comments |
