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I've had enough slacking around.

I'm going to train to compete again. Definitely not any time soon, but I'm going to keep the option open like the good old days. The good old days, I remember them so well, but they seem so far removed from what I consider myself right now. I remember doing things like laughing at 10k's, sparring for hours, doing pushups until my arms went numb, and loads of other gloriously fun things. It's hard to say why I even stopped.

This revelation has come to me after watching an anime that I'm just now getting to. I've heard a lot of good things about Toradora, so I put it on my "watch later" list, and well, now's the time. The point to this is that one of the characters reminded me of someone special and very dear to my heart. I gave up a lot of things that I never thought I'd be able to live without for this person, and now she's no longer in my life. I'm dealing rather harshly about this fact too, and I still have nightmares, and I still forget that we need to have nothing to do with each other at times. I've just become too used to life and complacent since I met her. So watching Toradora has made me think about her again in a less depressing light, and it made me remember how life was before I met her.

Life was really good before I met her too, not that she made my life hell or anything. She made me very, very happy, it's just that she was very demanding. I live to serve people, and I follow orders loyally, but there are only two things that someone should never be able to stop loving in life, yourself and what you live for, and being there for her made me question that. She needed me a lot, and she needed someone to talk to almost around the clock, which I obliged to happily, but I had to cut out a lot of hours of training per week. I became less muscular, and my arms shrank in size considerably. I knew she liked thin, lanky guys, so I never let it bother me, nor did I try to bother her with it.

When she left me, it never really set in. I still waited for her, and made myself available for her needs, but the fact of the matter was that someone else was meeting them then, and I was just whithering away with my habits. I've still got a lot of those habits, in fact today I woke up and expected to talk to her again, but then I recalled that she wants to forget our existence, and I became bummed out. Later in the day, I accidentally sent her another email, because I'm really thick-headed like that. I hope she understands that I'm trying to meet her half way, but sometimes it's like I have brain damage. So I really must stop it. This is why I reminisced about my days of yor.

I'm going to be who I was before I met her, or at least how much I want to be of who I was. She helped me come to accept a lot of things that I'd kept bottled up in myself, and I will always be grateful for the confidence that she's given me to be true to myself, but in truth, I'll most likely be that guy that people are shy of, because when I train for the better part of the days and weeks, I can't shut off the serious nature. I always thought it was like a mask for my happily optimistic side, but it's probably more like something I grit myself up for and just have trouble releasing. So, I'm probably going to scare a few people, and confuse a lot more who hadn't known me before I started dating this girl, but I do think people will start looking up to me again in my art.

That's another thing, people used to look up to me, and admire me in my art form, and through time I've begun to lose their respect because I've grown weaker and less devoted to what's important in life. So I'm hoping that along the way I'm going to start getting that nod that tells me that they know I am where I am, because I fought and kicked my way through everything that thought they were an obstacle. This most likely means that I'm going to have to beat through those very same obstacles to deserve that respect again. I look forward to that.

So, I think I'm not going to take "no" for an answer on this one, I'm going to start the old ways. The ways I knew before her. Which means I'm going to be 100% celibate again. Which is already more or less true anyway, just not in the mind. So I look forward to the clarity and balance.

On an unrelated note, I was just offered a nanny position half way across the world for about a month. They'd have flown me out and I'd do the cooking, cleaning, and caring for adorable children--things that I would enjoy so much that I couldn't say no to. However, I'm already enrolled in school, so I had to regretfully turn that option down. Ya know what's really sad? The things I'm famous for are things nobody would ever guess I'm good at. Anyone in Kansas will tell you I'm a kicker right after Roy Porter, but then most other places in the world I'm either this or that, and usually things that are really the complete opposite of a martial arts fighter... Fancy that? ^^;