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Living

I must make myself forget, because that is what she wishes. I live to make you happy.

I do not understand what happened, or what I did. Wouldn’t you want me there to help you in your time of need? Can you at least tell me what I did wrong? Give me another chance. I was trying really hard.

Is that what she wants me to say? ********, because I’m thinking it. 1 part of me wants to punch Caitlyn in the face, the other just wants to apologize to her and win her back.

But I guess I have to move on. That is what she would want, yes? But it isn’t what I want. It is difficult to go to sleep without hearing my love’s voice, but I shall try to manage. I’m struggling. I wish I knew what I did. Last night, I was playing the CD my girlfriend made for me. I kept playing Wonderwall. I began to cry, kneeling by my bedside. I was crying so hard my ma heard me over my blasting music. She ran into my room and I staggered over to her with open arms. I put my head on her shoulder and sulked repeating, “What did I do? I didn’t do anything.”

Caitlyn left me for convenience I’m guessing. She has Mollie as her comfort. I on the other hand have no1 to help me now. Samantha’s cell has been confiscated by her parents so I cannot call her to have her drive her a** over here, Julia thinks I’m straight, Morgan ******** hates me, I’ve burdened Dani enough plus she has problems of her own, Banita likes to make excuses, and it’d be awkward to talk about this with John. Really awkward.

I have no1. Not anymore. My future is gone. Where’s my wife? I’m worried sick about her.

To survive I’ve been hanging out with friends. Practically all my friends are the 1s you can never get personal with. We just joke around 24/7. So that means I have told them nothing. Good. They don’t need to know my business and I don’t need to know theirs.

John and I have been practically inseparable! I love making new friends! It’s really fun at 1st ‘cause you get to tell them s**t they’d never have even guessed just by looking at you.

John and I were hanging out at lunch and guess who we ran into. YEAH!
********!
No, I texted John later on and he told me her name. I’m just not gonna give it yet.
Sure Imma be after her now, but hella other girls too. Where’s Samantha when you need her?

Anyway “the butch” has such a beautiful name. Never heard it in my life. Definitely original.
While John and I were making our way through the courtyard we ran into her. She spoke with John about call-backs. Out of the blue, she turned to me.

“Did you and your girlfriend brake up?”

I’m never 1 to tell. “Uh…why?”

“Oh, I see you guys together all the time, but not anymore.”

We just kinda stared at each other for a bit. Everything felt so awkward with John probably waiting for his friend and I to start making-out right in front of him, but I’m sure he would not get pleasure from that sight. (I would!) I might have muttered an “okay,” but hell, that doesn’t matter. She developed a nervous smile and a hint of a blush. When she spoke it was almost a laugh.

“I wasn’t trying to get at chu or anything.”

My sexual humor kicked in, “Ha! No, hopefully you are.”

Awkward silence again. ********! It’s always my fault!

“I was kidding!”

She seemed relieved,” Okay, I thought you were being serious. Yeah, hella girls like me ‘round here.”

I saw a bit of myself in her and pointed it out, “Wow! Conceited much?”
The bell rang. We stood looking at each other as if the opposite from ourselves was some obscene creature. We must’ve stood there for a while because the bell had wrung and John gave us his good-bye.

As if struck by lightning, we were shaken and put back in our bodies, realizing class must be attended. I turned around, smiled, and said bye.

When I came home I cherished those few moments with her, but she’s hardly girlfriend material, just a good ********. That’s what I told John.

I kept listening to 2 songs, over and over again; Unbeautiful and Space.

I entered my room playing Space on my CD player since the song is not on my iPod.
I cried what felt like forever.

Telling myself not to cut to silence the screams of pain in my mind did not work. I reached for my hidden glass and pocket knife and did something I made sure every1 would notice. Now people know I’m hurt. I want people to know that I need help. I want Caitlyn to know I am hurting without her.

I remember crying, looking in the mirror, “Please, just tell me what I did, and forgive me. I’ll make it up to you. I said I’d change. I promised.”
Yesterday my dad went to the gas station. While he was out of the car I looked at my reflection in the window.
“I love you. I just wish I could hear you say it back. Please, say it back”

I guess I have no choice but to move on.
But I cannot bare to live without you.