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You are not the victim here, even though you pretend to be. I can sense your happiness now that I am gone. I see you smile; I hear you laugh, pretending I'm not even there. You must feel relieved without me! This will be the most depressing Christmas of my life, but as for you, just keep smiling. You obviously have done no wrong in your mind.

I'm am so ******** confused! I needsome1 to help me out. Really. What the ********?

Okay, okay, so Caitlyn broke up with me, never telling me why. Never even giving a hint. I had no ******** idea what I had done to cause it. Now, today, after confronting her, she tells me she needs "space." WHAT THE ********!? Couldn't you have just ******** told me that in the 1st place? NEWSFLASH: You don't have to break up with some1 to have space. You just politely ask and I'll ******** leave you alone for a while. I wish she'd have told me before. She never would have if I didn't go up to her.

The story is that I forgot my P.E. clothes in my locker, so I went through the courtyard to pick 'em up. I saw Caitlyn trudging by. Ha! She must've seen me 'cause she ******** bolted to be at the opposite side of the courtyard. Wow! I was sick of her giving me the cold shoulder.

"You know I'm still here for you. I'd like us to be friends, and I wanna know why."

Something like that, ********, I don't really remember all too well. She asked me 'bout my face. I told Caitlyn that I had to show her that I was hurting without her (which she'd have known if she read my journal). I couldn't tell her since she was avoiding me.

All day I had been getting in trouble. It's not like it was the 1st time I had major cuts across my face! You don't think I haven't done this before? Ha ha ha!
Oh god...

My P.E. teacher, who doesn't give a s**t about any1's personal life even asked me about my face. He actually looked worried too! Of course Vincench asked. I told her I appreciate her concern, but they were cuts from a metal piece in my garage. I added enough detail to make it sound believable. Later in the day, i was so used to telling that lie to teachers, I had it practically memorized.

Let's see, hella school kids asked me (even Tia, whom I am very shocked even gave me her number to call me if I was ever in need. That was surprising because of the cruel joke she played on me last year. I expected her to be a b***h, but she's proving me wrong.), Mr.Larsen, Ms.Vincench, some new Yard Duty guy whom I've lied to dozens of times before, Madam Cayla, and... wait for it... Moran (!!!).

Moran walked into my my 5th period and asked to see me. I gave him the fake story, which I knew he didn't believe. He knew my ma took me to school, so she saw the cuts, but he said he'd call home anyway.

"Stop saying you care, or that you're worried. You are only doing this to keep your job. Wait 'till you get sewed."

With that, I slowly walked back to class. I heard him shouting "That wasn't nice! I can't believe you said that! That's insulting!" Then he kept repeating my name, trying to get me to come to my senses and at least give him some respect.

I didn't respond, or even turn around. I entered back into French as if nothing ever happened. I found out later he did not call my mom. I guess what i said really did get to him. Damn! I'm a b***h!

Samantha got her cell back today and I practically begged her to come over, but she was glad to. She arrived with Todd. Yes, I admit, i was disappointed. i wanted it to be just her and I. We had dropped off Todd later on and Samantha and I went to my room. My ma prolly only let her in 'cause she knows Samantha is hella straight.

I opened my wallet and handed over Samantha 20 bucks for gas money. Earlier the 3 of us went to the gas station and she barely got any gas for her car 'cause she only had a 5.

Samantha made sure to go through all my s**t in my room.
It felt like she was nervous to be in my room. She was acting as I did the day I had 1st really kissed Caitlyn. Before I did, I kept staring at s**t in her room, making myself look busy and not to feel awkward.

"You know, this is kinda weird, having a straight girl in my room. It's just that- I never bring a girl alone to my room unless we're gonna ******** around." Now I didn't say ********, I said ******** around. Big difference, but to any1 I say that to, it all means the same.

Samantha kept herself occupied searching through my CDs.

"You're hella boring me! I swear I'll do something sexual!"

"Well you aren't."

"Do you want me to?"

I crouched next to her, staring into her eyes. I put my arm around Samantha's shoulder. Figures, she got a text from her mom, telling her to come home now or else she'll take away her phone again. She hurriedly got up and told me she'd come around another time. After all, it is break.

Now don't tell me I'm a player, or any of that s**t. Yes, I want to go back with my girlfriend badly, but I'm trying so hard to get over her. She probably doesn't want me back. I should respect her wish and move on.

While in the hallway at school, I saw her. That girl. I'd LOVE to type up her name, but as I said, I'm not gonna give anything away yet. I'm not sure about her.

So Cody and I were talking while walking to Geometry and in the corner of my eye, I saw her. I pretended to be all laid back, not drooling over her or anything. Basically, i ignored her, just paying attention to the conversation I was participating in. I saw what she did though. Not to brag, but she hella checked me out. I usually do that to her! I was kinda shocked when she did. All I did was glance out of the corner of my eye.

Here I thought she didn't even know I existed and I had this little crush on her, giving her signals all the time while walking by that I do infact like her, and she checked me out!

Yeah, nothing to get all thrilled about, but it is to me. I've only been with 1 actually lesbian (besides myself. jk jk) She was my 1st love. The rest of the bisexual girls I've been with didn't turn out so great (Caitlyn as an exception). It's just that, if I'm with a lesbian girl, I don't have to verbally bring her down. I can't say she's following fads! She's lesbian! Any1 who is out is brave, and I respect them. It took me years to finally come out. But at least I did.

Yeah, yeah, I talk about this girl and Samantha like they're so great. Well Samantha is my best friend, and I cannot have any relationship with her above friendship because I cannot afford to lose her kindness. I barely know the other girl. And if Caitlyn wants me back, then I'll gladly forget about that butch. I'm just preparing if Caitlyn doesn't want me back. But I wont do anything until she tells me what she wants.

~random~ 1 of my friends has committed a great crime. He has been sparing me the details though. He is fleeing from his home and going on a jetplane to start a new life. I'm just mentioning this because lately I've been writing everywhere that I possibly can "I wish that I could runaway too, by leaving on that jetplane with you." He's leaving to start over. I need to do that too. But how can I just forget everything? I'd live in a world of hurt, much greater than what I am am dealing with now.

Not any 1 of my friends, or any1 for that matter, knows who I am talking about. I have never mentioned him before, and have never been seen publicly with him, knowing his criminal tendencies. I just want to say, that nothing is his fault. He has been trying so hard to live. Please, leave him alone.